ok I need help...seriously

[Miramaid]

My situation is very similar to the one on here "He gets these "paranoia attacks""
but it is a little different. May be worse. I need help because the more I think about it the more I get confused and I do not know what to do.

We have lost trust (or did we ever have it?) He lied to me abt this girl he used to have a relationship with but he said he never did but I found out later from his phone that he did. So he got pissed off at me for looking through his phone. Now he digs into my Facebook and looks through stuff from 2008-2009...He did that before too but now he does it even more trying to find smth and he doesn't come out and say "I have found this and this and I want to ask you about it" he asks me indirect questions to see if what I say will be coherent with what he saw and if it is not he says I lie to him and a lot of times I did say smth not exactly the same with what he saw but excuse me, coz I do not have any idea why he asks and he asks abt things that were a year or two or three ago BEFORE me and him met!!! So he doesnt trust me coz I do not always give the answers that he wants to hear or they are not coherent with what he says and he says that he can not trust me with big things if i "lie" abt little things like that. That he can not know for sure if I do not do anything here while we are away or anything.
Well and I am loosing my trust because of the situation I described above (with the girl) and that situation happened WHILE we were still in a relationship, and because of how he is acting towards me I too am starting to feel insecure, because he told he he cheated on his girlfriends in the past and because he had slept with A LOT of women some of them he doesn't even remember. So all that makes me feel insecure.

I am going to see him in 3 days. He has been out tonight and last night. And we argued again today over the same issues (described above) and I just do not know what to do! We ALWAYS argue over and over about the same things. And the bottom line is that we have lost trust. And the distance doesnt help. I wrote a list of what I like and do not like abt him (well I did not think abt it for days, I just wrote whatever came to mind at the moment) so here it is:

Things I do not like:
1) That he has slept with a lot of women, some of them he doesn’t even remember
2) that he cheated in his previous relationships
3) that he lied to me about that girl M
4) That he makes me feel like I can not go somewhere with a friend if that friend is a male (and that includes Walmart, movies, lunches etc.)
5) That I know if I went out with a even female friend to a club or a bar it would be a problem for him (I am not into clubs tho)
6) That he searches my FB to find the facts from my past and indirectly ask me about it to find when I lie
7) That he doesn’t believe me that I did not switch “shoots nudes” from “yes” to “no” on accident. I did not do it on purpose
8) The fact that he doesn’t believe that John is really just my friend and nothing else and he has never been more than a friend
9) The fact that when he is upset he doesn’t say “I love you” even if I say it to him, he doesn’t kiss or hug me if he is disappointed, mad, or just not in a mood even though I do even if I want to cry and I am upset
10) The fact that he doest trust me at all
11) The fact that he has passwords on his comp, phone etc and makes me feel like he is hiding smth
12) The fact that he wants me to accept the fact that he slept with a lot of women, cheated on his GFs and is still friends with all of them, but he would not accept my male friends and if I was friends with my exes it would freak him out (I am pretty sure)
13) The fact that he is looking for friends on dating web sites


Things that I like:
1) That him and I want the same thing: family and kids and want it together (or so he says)
2) That he can always make me smile so easily
3) That he tries to be supportive of me in the way that he can
4) That he talks to me abt problems, even when we argue, he does talk, even if he can become distant and all, generally he talks things out
5) The fact that he has a HUGE heart and I know it and other ppl do too
6) I like that he is vulnerable actually
7) I like that he is sensitive (and I think he is afraid of it himself sometimes)
8) All the physical aspects (his body and how he touches me and all – no details here)
9) The fact that he could have become a different person (a bad guy, really bad) giving his background, but he did not and he is above it all and made it through and doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, drinks very rarely and only socially
10) The fact that we both like the same cartoons and I am sure would have liked the same shows if I was an American (some of the shows have a political context that I do not understand)
11) The little things that he did for me (I wish he did more, but whatever he did I like)
12) The fact that when we just started dating he ALWAYS asked me what I had for lunch and breakfast to make sure I ate and ate well (he doesn’t do it any more)
13) That he can be VERY thoughtful.
14) The fact that he realizes he needs to do smth in life to succeed and he is trying


I guess I need help with how to sort things out. I love him and I am having a HARD TIME and I am so confused and I do not know what to do. Instead of being excited about seeing him in 3 days I am afraid of this trip.

I need help :'(

[Darth_Taco]

While I do think you screwed up with the looking through his phone thing, he's taking this way too far. This relationship doesn't seem equal. He excepts you to be completely ok with him being friends with all his past fuck buddies, but you can't have male friends or go out with the female friends. How would he react if it were the other way around? Then there's the fact that he's convinced you're either cheating on him with your friend John or want to. Then what's the point of staying with you if that were the case? I think he's bullshitting a lot of these insecurity issues to have control over you. Best ways to control people are with fear and guilt, and he's using both. You can't let him do this to you, please set up some boundaries. If he refuses to abide by them, then I suggest cutting your losses and getting out of this relationship.

As for the visit, I'd personally cancel or at least postpone it. You two are having a lot of problems obviously, and it's going to put a real damper on the visit. Think about what would happen if you were to break up during the visit, how would you get home? Would you be stuck there for long?

[Miramaid]

i have plane tickets and i have friends there too if i need to stay somewhere else

[Darth_Taco]

Oh ok, that's good. I suggest talking to your friends and seeing if you can make any back-up arrangements if something happens that requires you to get away from him. It definitely is best to talk about this face to face when emotions are easier to pick up on, but I'd normally not recommend it if it weren't a situation likes yours where you have other people to rely on.

[Miramaid]

I know I can always stay at my friend's without even making arrangements. I have very close friends there. ANd I think I will go and I will not postpone it coz you know it is long distance and the last thing you want is to postpone seeing the one you love. But I understand what you mean. Unfortunately EVERY "serious" talk always ends up with arguing for us. Even though I never raise my voice or ever try to make him mad, he gets irritated and mad...so when I go there I know I will probably avoid negatives and such I do not know... I am tired emotionally but at the same time I can not break it off coz I love him

[Èternity]

I think you should definitely go. When you get there, I would talk it out, all of it, and call a truce that you both agree to. Truce on the snooping, mistrust, jealousy all of it. Try to start with a fresh slate and a commitment to leave the past in the past and move on. Give it a month, see where you both are at in a month's time and then work out what's best for you from there.

[mllebamako]

Honestly, I would be pretty scared if my SO was this controlling and holding me to such a double standard. Obviously it is completely unfair that he kicks it with his exes while you can't even have 1 male friend or go to a bar or whatever. There is no trust there but he can't be this controlling if he wants to rebuild trust.

Another thing: Making a pro/con list is great. I do that all the time. But notice that your con list is straight-forward and honest BUT everything on your pro list is followed by some sort of explanation. Like, I love this (but he doesn't really do it anymore) or This is great that he believes in this (or so he says)

Just notice that and ask yourself why you wrote them that way.

I think it's good to go and see him but you have to have a serious talk about this and come to some sort of agreement. You can't keep living like this, it's not a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

[LadyMarchHare]

Personally I'd be concerned about going. If he's this controlling, manipulative, and just about backstabbing when you're not there, who's to say that abuse won't turn physical or he try to control you by making you stay at home/the hotel while he goes out? This isn't just paranoia, he's LOOKING for a fight here, looking to blame you for something to either justify his own guilt or just to have a way to shut you up when you say you don't like something he does. It's not healthy and personally if I saw this behavior in my SO, his ass would be grass. But, only you can make the decision of whether or not to visit and whether or not to stay, but he seriously needs to clean up his act because you going through his phone, while a big no-no, does not justify what he's doing now.

[Silviar]

I want you to read over your list and look at how many red flags are on your list of things you don't like.

Sometimes we love people even when they're not good for us. He doesn't sound good for you at ALL. Please, walk away and find someone who cherishes and appreciates you for you.

[Zephii]

I agree with Silviar.

With that said, trust is repairable. It takes open communication from both sides, plus a whack load of personal individual work, and it doesn't happen overnight. Obi and I had some pretty bad trust issues at the beginning of the year (And no, they weren't due to my being a cheating lying bitch in my previous relationship, just in case that was your guess . Here are some of the things we did to remedy it: (Note, we were CD by this time.)
* He removed all passwords from his computer and handed me his phone. He understood that if I found nothing to be upset by often enough I'd stop looking and he would receive the privacy he desired, because my respect for him would outweigh my suspicion.
* He sent an email to the ex that was repeatedly flirting with him (he never flirted back, but he'd never had the balls to say "stop") and told her that it wasn't acceptable. They've had no contact that I can tell for at least 5 months.
* He googled about how to win back someone's trust.
* I stopped hiding my BOS (like a diary) and he stopped being paranoid every time I wrote in it. I also stopped using my main online blog because he always felt that I must be writing bad things about him (but never checked, silly boy) and now I only blog here, which is better for him because it's more private.
* We talked A LOT. Even when we knew that what we're about to say would hurt the other. Honesty first, always.
* We both realized and admitted to the power we have over each other. We try our hardest not to abuse that power.

I don't know if this will help, but I wish you luck.

[Rane]

I agree with Silviar that is seems like how he is NOW just doesn't seem right for you. That being said, I also agree with all of the suggestions Zephii made. It's a shame that you have a trip so soon, and you're not able to talk this out with him before, but maybe it would be better to have the talk in person (Unless he's the type to get violent when he's angry...). From all that you've said, how so many of the things you like about him are things that he used to do, used to say, it sounds like somewhere along the way, the motivation to make things work dropped off. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I know (Though I really didn't see myself doing it at the time) I'd neglect to do the little things. So I needed to work at just trying to get back to the little things, to let her know I'm thinking about her, and still care. We didn't have much trust issues, but that one thing stuck out in your post to me, all of the things you like about your relationship, and the things he used to do, but doesn't anymore. Assuming you want to try and make things work, along with Zephii's suggestions, maybe express to him how you feel about how all these things you loved about him just seem far and few between, ask him if he still wants to work to make the relationship work. Just my thoughts on the situation, but good luck with your trip, and I hope for better or worse, you can work out what's best for the both of you, and I'm glad that you have that safety net there if you need it.

[NikkiP]

Personally I'd be concerned about going. If he's this controlling, manipulative, and just about backstabbing when you're not there, who's to say that abuse won't turn physical or he try to control you by making you stay at home/the hotel while he goes out? This isn't just paranoia, he's LOOKING for a fight here, looking to blame you for something to either justify his own guilt or just to have a way to shut you up when you say you don't like something he does. It's not healthy and personally if I saw this behavior in my SO, his ass would be grass. But, only you can make the decision of whether or not to visit and whether or not to stay, but he seriously needs to clean up his act because you going through his phone, while a big no-no, does not justify what he's doing now.

I want you to read over your list and look at how many red flags are on your list of things you don't like.

Sometimes we love people even when they're not good for us. He doesn't sound good for you at ALL. Please, walk away and find someone who cherishes and appreciates you for you.

Just re-iterating what they've said above because I very strongly agree with them... So let's get pretty personal with your list now shall we?

Things that I like:
1) That him and I want the same thing: family and kids and want it together (or so he says) - has he always said this? Are there tones when you talk about this or do you feel this way because of the point in your relationship you are currently at? This is NOT enough to stay in a relationship. I stayed in a relationship for over four years when this line right here, your #1 reason you like him was the only thing that we had in common. We wanted the same lifestyle, the family, the house etc... It is not enough.
2) That he can always make me smile so easily (he doesn’t always do but he easily can) - why doesn't he? If he really loves you and wants to make you happy then why the hell is making you smile when it's so easily done not a priority for him?
3) That he tries to be supportive of me (in the way that he can) - So he's not actually supportive, but he tries? That may actually be a plus if it's not done with selfishness.
4) That he talks to me abt problems, even when we argue, he does talk, even if he can become distant and all, generally he talks things out - Huge plus.
5) The fact that he has a HUGE heart and I know it and other ppl do too -
9) The fact that he could have become a different person (a bad guy, really bad) giving his background, but he did not and he is above it all and made it through and doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, drinks very rarely and only socially - I'd be curious to know why this makes your list. Having grown up with quite the "background" myself and being who I am today... I don't think I've ever had somebody tell me that's something they like. Maybe that they're proud of me for rising above it... That being said, it is an ongoing battle.
11) The little things that he did for me (I wish he did more, but whatever he did I liked) - When's the last time? This is did in the past tense not 'things he does"... people change and grow together or apart... Is this still something that is on your list today? who he is now?
12) The fact that when we just started dating he ALWAYS asked me what I had for lunch and breakfast to make sure I ate and ate well (he doesn’t do it any more) - See my response to 11
13) That he can be VERY thoughtful. It hasn’t happened recently, but he can be
14) The fact that he realizes he needs to do smth in life to succeed and he is trying (may not be trying too hard and gets depressed, but at least he knows he needs to do it and why)

As said above... Nobody can make this decision but you. But I promise you that I have been in that situation and there IS somebody out there who will do those things continuously and they will hold you and be there for you when you cry and love and support and trust you for who you are... This guy doesn't sound like that man... Just my 50 cents... Sorry if it was harsh.

[Miramaid]

Thank you guys.....It is HARD to let go. Esp coz I love him and I feel like he does too...and we can not work smth out ever :'(

[NikkiP]

*hugs you*

[Michelle]

I sometimes think people are quick to tell other members that they should end their relationship. But in this case I really think it should be considered. This has gone pretty far, and and possibly past the point of repair. And even if you do love each other, I think it is a very unhealthy love. I would encourage you to remove yourself from this abusive situation... it's not physical abuse, but it is emotional abuse which can hurt you even more than physical abuse sometimes. And I know that you think that maybe your love for each other can help you get through this and eventually fix everything, but if there really was love (on his end especially) this wouldn't even be happening.

Besides the fact that he is controlling and manipulative a huge red flag that stood out to me (and I'm surprised no one else has caught it yet) is that he is looking for friends on dating websites. To put it bluntly, NO ONE looks for friends on dating websites. And I think to say that is a lame cover-up/poor excuse for still being active on a dating website. There are other places to find friends online. And besides... most dating websites COST money. Why would you pay a monthly subscription to find "friends?"

Here is a thread that I think you should read through. (In this case the boyfriend was a member of "World Friends" which cost a monthly subscription... it turned out to be a lot more than just a site where you could make friends) https://members.lovingfromadistance....quot-and-so-on

And after you read that one, here is the follow up to it: https://members.lovingfromadistance....including-mine!!

Sometimes those that have cheated are the ones that are the most insecure/suspicious about their partners cheating on them. You already said he acts like he has something to hide...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you know that you deserve better.

I know it's hard to let go, but sometimes the best things for us are the hardest to do.