How to help him deal

[blankita719]

My SO's mother is in the hospital. They expected her to pass away last night, but so far she is still hanging on. However, they are moving her to hospice care tomorrow and they have told my SO and his brothers to be prepared.

It's times like this that I hate the distance the most, because if we were in one place then I could be there, holding his hand through it, or helping by taking care of the day to day things that need to be done so he can focus on his mother. But what can I really do in this situation? I've already basically told him not to worry about calling me, just asked that he send me updates when he gets a chance so he doesn't have to stress out about whether or not he's got time to talk to me. If she passes, I won't be able to go up there because I have my own obligations with my work and my son; and I've already got a trip planned next month so even if I were able to manage getting around work, the expense alone for my son and I to fly up there would prevent me from being able to go.

He's not very close to her, but she is still his mother, so I know he is hurting right now. And when he hurts, I hurt too. I just don't know what more I can do, if anything to ease it for him. Has anyone else ever been in this type of situation? If so, any suggestions?

[LadyMarchHare]

All you can really do is reassure them via phone/text/IM and tell them you're available 24/7. Stay on the phone if he needs it, tell him you're a text away and you'll answer at any hour. You can offer all the support in the world, but it is still up to him to take it. I know a lot of times when my SO hurts he doesn't take me up on the offers, but he appreciates that I care that much anyway.

I'm sorry he's going through this and I hope whatever the outcome is, his mom doesn't suffer.

[ioanna]

blankita i'm sorry you guys are going through this, it is a very hard thing to be away in those times... when i was in your SO's position, i just closed up and kept my SO away... it was hurting me even more than helping when he tried to cheer me up, because i felt more alone if it makes any sence...

i am now visiting and just lost a member of the family while away... even though i am with my SO, not being able to be with my family or comforting my grandmom is very hard.

the only advice i can give you is to listen to him and let him come to you... the best way for me has always been to talk about other things that take my mind off the grief, and then have a good laugh that always ends in tears...

he surely knows you are there for him, and that must be a source of comfort in itself, even if its not the same as being there...

your family is in my prayers

*hugs*

[Čternity]

I've never been in this situation and it must be so stressful. For the practical things there is probably not much you can do. At least his brother is there as well. I would be sending my support in a way he appreciates. If you don't want to call him, because he is with her, I'd be sending emails or texts that you love him and you are thinking of him, that you don't expect a reply etc but you wanted him to know. It's so tough. I'm not sure if he is the sort of person to expect it but consider sending flowers if the worst happens, if you think it is something he may appreciate you doing. Wishing you all the best.

[Dauntedpoet]

Okay Honey, I have been a hospice care provider twice in the last 2 years. Here are the things that family's find helpful\thoughtful. Flowers for his mother's room, it brightens things up even if she can't see them because she is unconscious the visitors will see them. Depending on where she is, and if you want to message me and tell me, I can give you the info you will need because I live here. Food or Pizza delivery to his home so he has hot food already paid for, coordinating time may be difficult though. Also having a veggie platter or a cookie platter delivered to the nursing station at hospice is a really good way to get her some special attention. A lot of families do it after the patient passes but it really DOES work especially for off hours staff who don't usually see the family. I will be happy to deliver anything you might like since I'm guessing it will be within 20 minutes of me and I head up where your SO lives at least once a week. Including food delivery if you need help with it. I will be happy to help from behind the scenes anonymously however you need. let me know via messages. thinking of you all Michelle

[196]

I just went through this with my SO a few weeks ago. He lost his grandfather and they were super close.

Like everyone else has said, just be sure to tell him that you're always there for him. Don't send him too many texts/e-mails about being there for him or about the situation, let him come to you if he's upset. My SO didn't talk to me for about a day or so because he was so upset, so if that happens, don't take it personally and just wait for him to feel better (he'll love you more for it and you'll definitely feel closer after everything is over!). And you can always send him a nice sympathy card!

I'm so so sorry this is happening, especially around the holidays. His family is in my thoughts.

[blankita719]

Thank you all so much for your support...I just hate feeling helpless like this. Really the best thing I can do right now is exactly what I am - just reassuring him that I am here, but it still feels like I should be doing more, you know?

@Michelle - If I can find out where they are sending her, I may take you up on one of those offers. He's been less available the past few days (with good reason of course), but that is so incredibly sweet of you to offer to help. Thank you so much

[Miramaid]

send him a telegram and may be random text messages like "I am thinking of you and I am with you through this" and yes just be there for him. Send texts ...
not much u can do

[agentholli]

I am sorry to hear this. At times like this it REALLY sucks that you can't be there. Chin up and be strong for him!

[Dauntedpoet]

@Michelle - If I can find out where they are sending her, I may take you up on one of those offers. He's been less available the past few days (with good reason of course), but that is so incredibly sweet of you to offer to help. Thank you so much

Seriously not a problem! Just seems practical since I am right here!

[Karringtyn]

I am praying. I am here if you want to talk my friend...I understand the helpless feeling.......((((((Hugs)))))))

[Karringtyn]

And Michelle...it just hit me....you are very close to TWO of our SO's....lucky you! You really are the best...you know this right?! Very kind of you to offer for her!

[blankita719]

Hi everyone - just wanted to post a quick update. My SO's mother passed away this afternoon. I can't thank you all enough for the support you've shown. I only met her very briefly many, many years ago, but she gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, so for that, I also mourn her.

[PaperbackWriter]

Oh no! I'm so sorry.
You, your SO, and his family will be in my thoughts and prayers.