Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

He's not happy here

Collapse
X
Collapse
 
  • Page of 1
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts
Previous template Next
    #1

    He's not happy here

    As some of you may know, My SO and I closed the distance 11/14 when he moved in with my parents and I for a job close to me. He's been living with me for 10 days and it was really awesome the first couple days, but now I'm very sure he's not happy down here.

    Job training for him hasn't started so he basically just hangs around my house while I'm at work. He's been going to the gym, but that's about it. He's been complaining constantly about how expensive it is to live here and how he wishes the job he got were in his home area. It just makes me feel shitty.

    I don't know what to do to make the transition easier for him. I wish I could spend more time with him when he's at home, but I intern and work 5 days a week so that's not really possible. I just want him to be happy here.

    Any advice? experiences?
    "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love " ~ Theodore Seuss Geisel.
    Tags: None
    #2
    If he doesn't have friends, know the area too well, have something stimulating to occupy his time, of course he's going to be unhappy. Plus, it's only been 10 days. The euphoria of being there at last has probably worn off and given way to the "Well what now?" moments. If he has the time and a car maybe he could drive around the area and see what interests him and frequent the places. I know being a regular customer in places earns you people to talk to. If he doesn't have a car he can still walk/take the bus. Have him search local news sites for stuff going on, the newspaper, etc if he's willing. That way he'll have things to do when he isn't working and you don't have to feel the pressure of "well I should be there all the time" because you can't and chances are doing that'll drive you both batty.

    Hope some of that helped. Good luck.

    Comment

      #3
      Maybe have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him that you understand his moving to a new, unfamiliar place can be a bit overwhelming. Be encouraging...let him know that you're certain things will look up for him once he starts training and making friends. It was his choice to relocate and accept the job in your area. Hopefully he will give it a chance. I agree with LadyMarchHare that there is going to be a bit of an awkward period of adjustment. So, hopefully these are just some growing pains that you can both work through together!!

      Comment

        #4
        Warn him that it's going to take time. Being the one to move is hard. Stupidly hard. Tell him that every time he makes a negative comment he needs to follow it up with a positive one (and they need to be different positives.) That's something that helped me, and believe me when I first got here I could find a hundred things I didn't like about Canada.

        Once his job starts and he makes some friends it'll be easier on him, but that might not fix it.

        One thing I really wished Obi had done for me was show me the positives about being in Canada. I'd talk about the things I missed, but he wouldn't/couldn't find things similar here, or find a way to smooth the transition. So, show him the good parts of being where you are. Plan little dates together, do things together in the time you do have off.

        I can't really suggest anything else because I don't know where he's moved from or what he misses.
        Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

        Comment

          #5
          I will share a little bit of my own experience before I try giving some advice.

          My SO moved an hour away from me after he graduated last December, and he only lasted two months before he decided that he couldn't handle it/ didn't like it and moved back home. Some of the reason was monetary, but a lot of it had to do with his attitude about the move. He ended up getting really depressed because he didn't know anyone in the area, and while I encouraged him the best I could, he was really shy so it was really hard for him. He tried finding a job, but he didn't get any luck. Although he did the best he could considering he was depressed, I sort of think he didn't look hard enough and gave up to easily when it came to jobs because once he got rejected at an interview he just gave up. He told me constantly that he missed his friends back home, and he said multiple times that he regretted moving there and that he just wanted to go home. We ended up having a serious discussion, and he said he would try staying one more month to see if he could find a job. However, I told him just to go ahead and go back because he wasn't happy here and he shouldn't even stay if he wasn't going to try hard in the first place. The transition and his negativity/stress/depression was taking such a toll on our relationship that we were fighting all of the time and I decided I would rather be far apart and happy than close together and miserable. (keep in mind though that we were still an hour apart, so it would have been different if we lived in the same town. He probably would have been less lonely.)

          First of all, I know how horrible it feels for you to hear your SO say things like that I know it is hard for the person moving, but it is also hard for the other person as well. Like the others have mentioned, it has only been 10 days, so your SO is probably just adjusting to the transition right now. It will take some time to get used to. It takes different amounts of time for different people. (two months wasn't even enough time for my SO, but I think if he would have waited it out it would have gotten better). That being said, your SO will have a job right? If so then he is really lucky. Yes, it might be boring now staying at your house all of the time (boredom and loneliness was one of my SOs biggest complaints), but he should be able to make new friends at work when he starts.

          As for helping make the transition easier, I would just be understanding when he tells you that he is having a hard time adjusting. Try not to take it too personally (which I had a hard time doing). Maybe you could take him out with your friends? Maybe you could buy him a book to read during his free time? LMH makes a really good point with the transportation issue. Does he have a car? If so, I would really encourage him to check out the local area. If he likes coffee, then hanging out at a place like starbucks would a good place to start conversation with others. Also, although he can be friends with your friends, he really needs to make his own, which can be difficult in a new place (especially if he is shy :/ ). My friend gave me this website when she heard of my situation back then because she thought my SO could use it. https://www.meetup.com/ My SO checked it out and we actually went to one meet up for a walking group, but it was all old people so it really didn't help him make friends :/ However, they do have people our age who have groups too! I don't know if he would be into that, but it could be a way to meet some new people in the area.

          Comment

            #6
            Hopefully he'll be starting Job Training when he gets back, which will get him out of the house and exploring. He likes to drive around so I'm really surprised that he hasn't been exploring when I'm at work. I've been trying to include him in outings my friends plan. For instance, yesterday my friend was hosting a breakfast gathering, and I invited him, but he didn't want to go, so I went by myself while he slept.

            I've really been trying to be understanding, I try to show him my favorite places around the county, like the malls, coffee shops restaurants, and parks. But I can't help if he doesn't want to try and help himself.
            "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love " ~ Theodore Seuss Geisel.

            Comment

              #7
              You're absolutely right. If he's not making the effort himself, he's just going to stay miserable until he either makes friends at work or a proverbial frying pan knocks sense into him. It's good that you've been trying to include him in things like that, but it sounds like he's being a bit of a baby by staying behind and sleeping.

              Comment

                #8
                ((((Hugs)))) Time. Give it time and just keep being supportive.
                NY to Texas Married on...August 17th, 2013

                Comment

                  #9
                  yeah like everyone else has said.. it's going to take time. it would be really hard to move away from everything to a new place, and not feel out of place or lonely. it will get better i'm sure.. but he won't get anywhere if he just thinks negatively the whole time.. try and keep him positive, your with each other.. that should be a huge motivation to make everything work!
                  <3
                  sigpic

                  Comment

                  Previous template Next
                  Working...
                  X