Confused and Lost (Or How Things went today) LONG!
So, we did spend most of the day together. We saw the new Harry Potter...went to the used bookstore we've always haunted, he went into a comic store, and then we went to the sports bar for dinner and to play trivia. That's the easy part...the details are what's killing me right now.
I think I threw a wall up...plus I got a bit sick for a few. We were at a bookstore when he got a phone call....for some reason--to ME---it seemed like this was some one he cared for very much. The way he did for me before he left. Just the little bit a caught was enough to make my heart break for all we'd lost. It's also quite hot in the store, so I used that as an excuse to go out side. I had a smoke then went back in for the restroom. Ran into him looking for me, and we headed back outside.
I started getting all shaky and hollow feeling like I do when I get a sudden drop in blood sugar, so I checked it before starting the car. We stopped so I could grab some crackers (nabs to those who get the term) and then went to the comic book store.
I was feeling shitty still and told him I was going to finish my crackers and see if I could get to feeling better. While he was in the store, I grabbed another smoke and played with my phone and the radio.
He came out with a nice little collection of comics. I go to starr the car and it won't crank right. Fiddled with the connectors to the battery, then called mom. She agreed we needed a jump. Just as Billy is heading off to check out the gas station up the road for a battery, a lady comes out and askes if we need a jump. I holler at him, he and another guy hook the cars togther and we are in business.
Billy wants to hit the nearest auto parts store to get them to check the battery..and sure enough it was FUBAR. So he fricken buys one...which was almost 100 dollars. Then one of the connectors breaks, so he paid for that too. Once the nice guy from the store has everything put in,we go to the sports bar. We had dinner, played some trivia and chatted a bit. And then Billy's all yawning (still suffering jet lag, poor guy) and pays the check. He asked if I needed the gas he'd offered when he'd asked if I could come down and I said I did. We go out to the parking lot and hug (a long tight hug) and then head to the gas station. He uses his debit card on the pump, then hugs me again...tells me he's gonna grab an drink and to be safe going home.
So..what's missing here. How about a kiss or few....OMFG. It felt like when we first started seeing each other, only without the rush of newness. We always kissed good bye for the last few months he was here. Not sure why he didn't try for one..if I had a wall up like I think I may have or...I don't want to contemplate the ors.
So...he shows he cares (getting the batter for the car, his concern when I was checking my sugar, the way he hugged me) but it's just a step above the way I expect friends to treat me. We are so gonna have to talk (I didn't do the whole let's talk bit because I wanted to enjoy the day and see where we actually are...OMFG, I so can't believe we've lost this much). I literally cried most of the way home...cursed and screamed for a good ways as well. I think that something that SHOULD have been wonderful has been damaged if not broken beyond repair. I know my part in the breaking (not dealing with issues straight on, not pushing for more communication, not being clear and specific about what I NEED from him...I could go on but I ain't gonna beat myself up) and will own it loud and clear...I just don't know how I am going to stand it if we can't fix this.
I won't ruin his Thanksgiving by bringing it up, but hopefully we can talk Friday afternoon. He will be gone to a party Saturday and possibly into Sunday (I am so not comfortable with that...with how things are, I am just scared for him to spend time with any female who isn't blood related.) I know we will have to talk before he leaves again, even if its via phone...or text, goddess forbid.
I don't know how much I will be around the next couple of days. Your support has meant everything the past several days...please know it has been and will continue to be highly appreciated. I will probably linger a bit tonight, Just so I don't feel so alone. Unless I decide a pity party complete with balling my eyes out is more in order.
I think I threw a wall up...plus I got a bit sick for a few. We were at a bookstore when he got a phone call....for some reason--to ME---it seemed like this was some one he cared for very much. The way he did for me before he left. Just the little bit a caught was enough to make my heart break for all we'd lost. It's also quite hot in the store, so I used that as an excuse to go out side. I had a smoke then went back in for the restroom. Ran into him looking for me, and we headed back outside.
I started getting all shaky and hollow feeling like I do when I get a sudden drop in blood sugar, so I checked it before starting the car. We stopped so I could grab some crackers (nabs to those who get the term) and then went to the comic book store.
I was feeling shitty still and told him I was going to finish my crackers and see if I could get to feeling better. While he was in the store, I grabbed another smoke and played with my phone and the radio.
He came out with a nice little collection of comics. I go to starr the car and it won't crank right. Fiddled with the connectors to the battery, then called mom. She agreed we needed a jump. Just as Billy is heading off to check out the gas station up the road for a battery, a lady comes out and askes if we need a jump. I holler at him, he and another guy hook the cars togther and we are in business.
Billy wants to hit the nearest auto parts store to get them to check the battery..and sure enough it was FUBAR. So he fricken buys one...which was almost 100 dollars. Then one of the connectors breaks, so he paid for that too. Once the nice guy from the store has everything put in,we go to the sports bar. We had dinner, played some trivia and chatted a bit. And then Billy's all yawning (still suffering jet lag, poor guy) and pays the check. He asked if I needed the gas he'd offered when he'd asked if I could come down and I said I did. We go out to the parking lot and hug (a long tight hug) and then head to the gas station. He uses his debit card on the pump, then hugs me again...tells me he's gonna grab an drink and to be safe going home.
So..what's missing here. How about a kiss or few....OMFG. It felt like when we first started seeing each other, only without the rush of newness. We always kissed good bye for the last few months he was here. Not sure why he didn't try for one..if I had a wall up like I think I may have or...I don't want to contemplate the ors.
So...he shows he cares (getting the batter for the car, his concern when I was checking my sugar, the way he hugged me) but it's just a step above the way I expect friends to treat me. We are so gonna have to talk (I didn't do the whole let's talk bit because I wanted to enjoy the day and see where we actually are...OMFG, I so can't believe we've lost this much). I literally cried most of the way home...cursed and screamed for a good ways as well. I think that something that SHOULD have been wonderful has been damaged if not broken beyond repair. I know my part in the breaking (not dealing with issues straight on, not pushing for more communication, not being clear and specific about what I NEED from him...I could go on but I ain't gonna beat myself up) and will own it loud and clear...I just don't know how I am going to stand it if we can't fix this.
I won't ruin his Thanksgiving by bringing it up, but hopefully we can talk Friday afternoon. He will be gone to a party Saturday and possibly into Sunday (I am so not comfortable with that...with how things are, I am just scared for him to spend time with any female who isn't blood related.) I know we will have to talk before he leaves again, even if its via phone...or text, goddess forbid.
I don't know how much I will be around the next couple of days. Your support has meant everything the past several days...please know it has been and will continue to be highly appreciated. I will probably linger a bit tonight, Just so I don't feel so alone. Unless I decide a pity party complete with balling my eyes out is more in order.
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