I don't know if any of you remember my last thread (I'll probably find a link later) but we had worked things out, though us at LFAD had come to the conclusion that I need to do what's best for me and stop being a doormat.
Lately, it's like he and I don't talk as much; yesterday we got like twenty words combined and usually we would talk for literally hours on end. We had a nice day on Valentine's. Until I asked him to be my Valentine (I was cute about it, so ready for him to say yes) and he said, "I want to but what if I meet a cute girl at the [festival I'm going to tonight]..." I'm sure you can imagine how much that stung: it's one thing to accept that maybe one day we will find people that are better for us, no one here knows if our or your own "us" will last the test of time; it's a totally different thing to make precautions and avoid commitment. I said he had to decide who he wanted to be with more, then. He knew I was going to work at a Valentine's dinner for my church, and he asked if that was that night or the night before; when he found out I wasn't going to see anyone else Valentine's Day night, he said, "I was going to suggest we be e-Valentines but that's not fair to you.... I will be yours and yours alone, my silly."
What the hell is that? Him saying just the last thing would have made my night eight hundred times over, but it meant nothing with the circumstances. He had that festival late that night, so we didn't cuddle to sleep like usual; class the next night, he didn't even bother saying anything more than "hi" to see if I was awake when he got home, usually he will say "*crawls into bed with you, wraps my arms around you, and kisses your head*" and he knows full well how much that means to me when I see it in the morning; today he's no where to be seen, I'm going to bed in two hours and I can't have my phone in my room (as a punishment this week from my parents, ironically for me being irritable, partially about this) to wait up for him.
So, I wrote him a long letter. It outlines exactly what I need, how I need to be the most important, how I need to made to feel valued, how I need to not be afraid of falling in love with him. I'm going to give it to him, probably right before I go to bed at this rate. I think that just reading that you can tell he doesn't want the same serious relationship, official or unofficial or whatever else. I don't want an open relationship, I thought he knew that. Sucks because he thinks that if we end things (we've discussed it before) we still be able to talk all night and be best friends and whatever else, and I think I'll need at least a few weeks for closure.
Now it's make or break, I get what I want, need, and deserve or I don't. I'm either going to be happy, really happy, that he's finally agreed to a definite commitment or I'm going to be quite sad that he won't, but glad I found out before I fell totally head over heels over him. You know, I just know he's going to say he doesn't want what I want and it'll be over for good. I've already started kind of getting that into my head.
I guess we'll see.
Lately, it's like he and I don't talk as much; yesterday we got like twenty words combined and usually we would talk for literally hours on end. We had a nice day on Valentine's. Until I asked him to be my Valentine (I was cute about it, so ready for him to say yes) and he said, "I want to but what if I meet a cute girl at the [festival I'm going to tonight]..." I'm sure you can imagine how much that stung: it's one thing to accept that maybe one day we will find people that are better for us, no one here knows if our or your own "us" will last the test of time; it's a totally different thing to make precautions and avoid commitment. I said he had to decide who he wanted to be with more, then. He knew I was going to work at a Valentine's dinner for my church, and he asked if that was that night or the night before; when he found out I wasn't going to see anyone else Valentine's Day night, he said, "I was going to suggest we be e-Valentines but that's not fair to you.... I will be yours and yours alone, my silly."
What the hell is that? Him saying just the last thing would have made my night eight hundred times over, but it meant nothing with the circumstances. He had that festival late that night, so we didn't cuddle to sleep like usual; class the next night, he didn't even bother saying anything more than "hi" to see if I was awake when he got home, usually he will say "*crawls into bed with you, wraps my arms around you, and kisses your head*" and he knows full well how much that means to me when I see it in the morning; today he's no where to be seen, I'm going to bed in two hours and I can't have my phone in my room (as a punishment this week from my parents, ironically for me being irritable, partially about this) to wait up for him.
So, I wrote him a long letter. It outlines exactly what I need, how I need to be the most important, how I need to made to feel valued, how I need to not be afraid of falling in love with him. I'm going to give it to him, probably right before I go to bed at this rate. I think that just reading that you can tell he doesn't want the same serious relationship, official or unofficial or whatever else. I don't want an open relationship, I thought he knew that. Sucks because he thinks that if we end things (we've discussed it before) we still be able to talk all night and be best friends and whatever else, and I think I'll need at least a few weeks for closure.
Now it's make or break, I get what I want, need, and deserve or I don't. I'm either going to be happy, really happy, that he's finally agreed to a definite commitment or I'm going to be quite sad that he won't, but glad I found out before I fell totally head over heels over him. You know, I just know he's going to say he doesn't want what I want and it'll be over for good. I've already started kind of getting that into my head.
I guess we'll see.
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