Taking a break?

[Rosebud]

No, I don't mean a break as in we stop dating and see other people. This is really difficult to explain since I don't fully understand why I considered this tonight but hopefully you all will get what I'm trying to say.

Things have been going well between me and my SO first off, this isn't based after some huge fight or anything where we both need some alone time or anything. It's an odd feeling but I think with Christmas approaching it's made my missing of him even worse which is what I think brought this all on. He doesn't ignore me, we chat almost every day so I know I have absolutely nothing to complain about and I shouldn't be even considering this 'break' considering how fortunate I know I am with how much we get to talk. But the issue is, it still doesn't feel like enough. I don't know what's wrong with me lately but it's like I want him to literally be with me 24/7 which is ridiculous even for CD couples. I get jealous when I know he's talking to his friends online but given how much he talks to me I know it would be unfair of me to ask him for some specific time only for us.

My issue here is that I already know I have a very dependant personality, it's not a good thing but I've accepted this about myself. But lately I feel as though it's starting to rise into a problem with just how much of his attention I want. Even when he tells me he loves me or says something sweet I always want more or I won't fully believe him until he repeats it a few times. I know that since I'm aware of this problem it should be so easy to just tell myself to knock it off and stop bugging him so much, but really...it's not that easy. And as much as I do NOT want to be away from him I wonder if forcing myself a couple weeks not talking with him would be a good idea before I start to smother him entirely.

I really don't know what to do. Thinking of not talking to him for so long on purpose ( and I apologize if I come off as offensive since I know there are couples who have dealt and have to wait much longer than a couple weeks ) honestly breaks my heart and I don't want to do AT ALL, but I wonder if it's one of those things I HAVE to do before I risk becoming obnoxiousy clingy and exhausting to him. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Kalmyia]

The hardest thing to do for me in a relationship is just what you described, taking a step back and not sharing every second with my SO. It took me several days of thinking about it to get the motivation to do so, and having done it I know it is a very difficult thing to do. I'm not sure I would NOT talk, as that could lead to a whole slew of other issues, but if you can try to limit it to say.. an evening phone/skype/IM event (or some other time) instead of constant contact that might help give your SO more space and allow you to tone down your own feelings.

[Sano]

I understand completely. I was / am feeling the same way a little bit. But I've just started trying to preoccupy my time with something to keep my mind off him. I work a night shift (i should be working right now actually) so I've started letting myself sleep more during the day until. The thing I noticed right off is that after the first day of doing it, he started calling me asking why I dont call him. I do want to smother him actually atleast until I get enough of doing it

[mllebamako]

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way I don't think you have to go as extreme as NOT talking at all. I agree with what Kalmyia said, maybe just limit contact to specific points of the day. My SO does not have a phone but he goes to the internet cafe every night. So I know that I have no choice if I want to call him...I just HAVE to wait until 11 pm when he'll get online for a 1/2 hour.

I think you should talk to him and work something out like that. Explain what you just wrote in this thread and that you are feeling like you are getting too clingy so you want to just choose a time, maybe everyday, to talk for 30 minutes or an hour, or whatever you decide is best. Then sign off of IM and skype until it's that time.

I think this would also solve this issue:

I get jealous when I know he's talking to his friends online but given how much he talks to me I know it would be unfair of me to ask him for some specific time only for us.

I think it's totally fair to ask for 30 min or an hour a day where you both just stop everything and concentrate on each other.

*sending hugs* Remember that you aren't alone in this. I went through a period where I was feeling way too clingy and dependent (this is when he had a phone and I could call him whenever) and I had to use some serious willpower not to call him every time something new happened.

[folclor]

I struggle with codependency myself, albeit likely from a different source than you. Just because you've admitted to yourself that you're a bit dependent it's not going to be easier to deal with. What you're feeling is completely normal but if you stop talking to him for a period of time it's going to feel like hell to you. If you haven't talked to him about it you probably should. Just tell him you try to help how you feel and change it but you don't know how. There are ways to improve yourself, of course. This takes a lot of introverted thought and talking through issues and getting to the roots of things and figuring out how you want things to be. It's not easy and takes a long time. Some people need therapy to deal with it but I think most people are strong enough to do it on their own if they'd only let themselves have a little confidence.

You seem like one of those people who could do it on your own. Perhaps you should try to talk to your boyfriend about the problem and get down to it that way? I mean, it'd be better for the both of you and he'd understand more where you're coming from. Then again, maybe you have talked through it. Either way, I think stopping communication completely for 2 weeks is not a good idea. Maybe you could just cut back a little? like give him a day to himself and take a day for yourself?

[Silviar]

I don't think you need a break, I think you need to just work really hard on finding things to enrich your immediate life.

[samglam209]

I've had to deal with the exact same thing. My boyfriend and I broke up for a day. lol long story on that but it taught me that I really need to look to other things that make me happy. And starting school has helped me a lot. Just focus on your work or studies. I hope you can get through this,I know it's hard but I believe in you! Good luck.

[garnet]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I know I went through periods of being too needy while Rane & I were LD. :/ I agree with those that said a total communication break may not be for the best. I like the idea of limiting specific times for you two to share together, and no distractions. I hope you feel better, and remember to keep him in the loop of what's going on with you!

[Karringtyn]

Working on YOU is the key. Not taking a break. That basically is what I am known best for..."running." The problem doesn't go away....just the opposite..the problem is there with you...your dependency on him will be WORSE because you have cut yourself off. Just talk. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

I have been there my friend. It is something I struggled with and have worked very hard on. And as I told you before...I am here if you want to talk.

[TknandLvnIt]

I think its really great that you know yourself well enough to e aware of issues that you might have with being too clingy...I think i struggle with the same thing but when I mentioned to my SO he told me that I could never be too needy because I deserve all of him and that urge is stronger because we are apart...feeling like you can't get enough of talking to them...even when have been talking for hours...I think that a lot of times conversation because an effort to fill the void that we feel from not being able to be near them. Like everyone said its best if you explore your feelings and express them to him communication is key...and don't punish yourself or him by cutting off communication...because it is a HUGE part of LDRs. But no its not too much to ask for to have time that is just for you. If you were there you would so why not now...My SO and I have date night every week and bible study together...That doesn't mean we don't talk anytime other than that but this time that is just ours and its really nice. I wish you the best and don't beat yourself up if he hasn't said anything to you about being to clingy or anything like that maybe he doesn't mind it....I'm sure he loves you in spite of your flaws :-) I mean that's what love is...he knows everything about you good and bad and is still there!

[Rosebud]

Thank you everyone so much for your help and patience (and Karringtyn, I may have to take you up on your offer very soon!!), it really helped me to see that I was perhaps thinking of it a bit too extreme, but I am glad to know I wasn't completely out of line in thinking that maybe we needed a break. My bf seemed to think otherwise on the matter however as I don't think he realized that anything was wrong until I brought it up and told him that perhaps cutting back our talking time together for a little bit would be beneficial. I was really scared to tell him since I didn't want him thinking I wanted to break UP, but thankfully he understood where I was coming from and we were able to talk about what was going on a bit more and he told me he liked the way the things were. I do feel relieved that he hasn't felt like I've been smothering him but I AM going to still try to watch myself and not get so upset when we can't talk as much as I want to.

I know you all are right that fixing this from the inside out is where I need to start and lately I have been trying to improve myself and I guess this is another thing I can tack onto that list. I've been neglecting my drawing and sewing as it's been growing difficult to concentrate on them anymore, but I'm hoping to make myself focus on them again or get back into my writing and that will help with the issue as well. Thank you all again so much for your posts, I really appreciate it