Absence makes the heart grow... distant?

[lucybelle]

I'm in the same situation you described (no set times for chatting, going on maybes and chances, constantly waiting) but to me it doesn't spark anger or the need for long e-mails about what you said. I get sad, but I get over it, which is why I asked the question because I know others aren't like me, others will have other reactions. I'm glad something positive came out the email though and you know where your limits are as far as communication.



Depends on the situation. Some people have jobs that keep them away from their SOs, their families, etc and give them no time to where you're either initiating contact that won't/can't respond or you get very little. If it's all legitimate as Rosebud said, you can just suck it up and put on your big girl panties because at the end of the day they can't help being away. It's like those guys with families who are truck drivers, airport pilots, important businessmen, in active duty. They can't help having no time but they love their families all the same and vice versa. So just because there's no time and you CAN'T make time doesn't mean it can't last.

Yeah you must be much more resilient than I am! I'm usually a pretty calm, happy person but I seriously felt crazy lonely that night. I guess that's when I learned a little bit more about myself. I do need a certain amount of attention and contact in order to feel okay.

And as far as families being apart because of jobs, I remember this growing up. My dad had a job where he would go around to different parts of the country (sometimes world) to teach software to companies. He was barely ever home, so I don't have a lot of memories of him. It didn't bother me then, but thinking about it now it sort of does. He eventually got a job so that he didn't travel any more.

[Dauntedpoet]

In the course of our 12 years relationship, we have had times where we couldn't actually talk via computer, or text or phone. 3 or 4 and once even almost 6 months. But during those times, we were still thinking of each other constantly. When he was flying in and out of Ireland for work each week, he had no online access. I sent letters and small gifts to his parents house, so he would come home on the weekend and have 3 letters waiting. I sent him a small box of pre addressed, pre stamped post cards so he could just write a quick note and put it in the mail. When I was without a computer or internet, he sent cd's he'd made for me and letters and books. I guess LMH what I'm saying is in my LDR with my SO... distance didn't change anything... we figured out ways to let the other know we were there constantly thinking of them.

[Rosebud]

Fantastic answer!

You're right in bringing up the different circumstances subject. But even so, I've witnessed some people on here take in situations we find the logical version of communication cuts, and treat them like the illogical ones. They automatically assume it's for an asinine reason and don't stop to think about work or life getting in the way, so that was also a part of my question was sort of regardless of the reasons why, how would you treat it?

Hmm, well that's difficult for me to answer since in my personal experience, yes I do admit to jumping to conclusions and getting huffy during times he's away (for long periods of time that is) without telling me...but that's really the problem, not that he's away but that I don't know what's going on. I have a very pessimistic view of things and I always jump to the worst conclusion that he got hurt, someone in his family passed away, he got fired from his job, etc.

And perhaps that's why other people who post who sound so antsy are all about too in that they got no warning from their SO that they'd be gone for awhile and it also has some level of distrust thrown in there as well (or that may be my own personal bias since I do know I have a wall of distrust built up to protect myself which used to make me very wary of when my bf was away). I am fortunate however in that my boy knows how jumpy I can be and will text me if we're unable to talk. For me, lots of talking (I'm not saying just communication, but actual talking itself, which I know isn't the same for everyone, just speaking for myself here) is important and he knows that so he's become quite good at keeping me in check with everything.

Wow, I think I got way off tangent there but hopefully that answered some of your question

[Bluestars]

I completely agree that talking considerable less can make you feel distant from your SO, and this has been a recurring hurdle in our relationship, but we have always managed to overcome it.

When my SO or I are really busy, we get to talk a lot less than normal. When he was writing his senior thesis problem, we did not have a real conversation for around a month because he was so wrapped up in it. Also, when he was working 60 hours a week, he would call me when he got in bed and he would be asleep in less than a minute.

In situations like that, I begin of feel sort of empty inside, and sometimes I have even questioned being with my SO. He has the exact same problem. It is not that we do not love one another. Sometimes we just forget what the other person is really like when we haven't seen/ had a real conversation in a long time. The distance causes us to think things that we would never consider if we were close together. This used to crop up a lot, and whenever it did we found that the best solution was to tell the other person and then come up with ways to become closer again. That being said, actually making that change is hard to do unless you can make more time to be with one another. We usually cannot work on our relationship until the busy period is over with. Some things that we have done in the past to make the problem better is make sure that we have a date night every week and to put more of an effort into finding fun things to do with one another.

The first few times my SO told me he was feeling this way, I jumped the gun and flipped out. I assumed he didn't love me and had a really hard time trusting him. However, I realized that he told me because he wanted to improve our relationship, and by doing so it showed that he trusted me and we solved the problem by improving our communication.

[Zephii]

I wouldn't say absence makes the heart grow distant exactly, not if there's love involved. And in an LDR I'd put up with limited contact for a little while, depending on the circumstances. I'd be more lenient about this in an LDR than a CDR too. But after a while I can't help but think it must damage the relationship.

I'm not sure what my stance on it is with an LDR, because Obi never made me have think about it. Even at his busiest, he would come "home" and "sleep with me" (skype). There was always that at least. I'm pretty sure I'd put up with it for a good six months before I started whinging. But CD, I make it known that I expect to be a priority. Other family members may come before me, and that's cool, but anything else, no. I've told him I will not be second to his work, and if he works too much (upward of 45 hours a week) I will request him to drop the hours. I'm not here just to keep his house clean while he works himself into an early grave. And of course, I do the same for him.