Pressure from family, friends, and others - WHAT SHOULD I DO???!?

[kittykatharine]

Hi everyone!

I guess I basically have been stuck in a very difficult position for some time and I just do not know what to do. I have been in a relationship with my SO for 4 years and 1 month. We have spent a year and a half of that in our LDR. He lives about 250 miles from me and I see him about once a month. Also of importance, I am 28 and he is about to turn 28, and we both are working on our doctorates for the next two years (him medical school, me phd).

Last June, my SO's little brother (i.e., he is 21 and his fiance is 21) proposed to his girlfriend (i.e., they had only been together for a year). There wedding is in June - and as this date approaches I have become increasingly stressed out by the whole situation. Both his family and mine have dropped a ton of hints as to why my SO hasnt proposed in all this time. Being the female in this situation, it has really upset me a great deal. I know we both live in different cities and I know we are still working on our education - but I am just so upset that he has yet to ask me. I know he loves me and there is no doubt that he will eventually ask me - I just know that the LDR has pushed this happening by years. THe closer I get to the wedding, the more panicked i become regarding sitting there as the 28 year old girlfriend - while all his family members look at us like something is wrong.

I guess my question is - what would you do in this situation? He has offered to go to the court house over the Christmas break to tie the knot - but that doesnt sit well with me either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as this whole thing has been extremely stressful.

Also any advice on how I can survive this upcoming wedding? My SO is the man of honor - so I will be sitting in the aisles by myself. I really feel like this is going to be hell on earth for me.

[nicole]

ouch this is a horrible situation to be in.... As for not proposing- I'll tell you why my SO has said he won't propose to me when he come to visit at New Year's- he wants us to be back being a CD couple so we can enjoy our engagement together. It sucks and I begrudgingly see his point, but might this might be a reason as to why he hasn't proposed? To propose and then leave again must be a very hard thing to do...

If you don't want to do that at Christmas, then simply don't- it's your wedding at the end of the day, you only have one. So if going to the courthouse doesn't sit well with you, don't do it- that is a bad foundation to base a marriage on.

As for the wedding... I'm glad I got out of my SO's best friend's wedding by being out the country- I didn't like the thought of sitting alone either, especially with all the family around going "So when is it your turn hmmmmm?". All I can suggest is keep a smile on your face and focus on your SO. If people ask awkward questions, give them a non-answer and continue on. If it's really worrying you, I would talk to your SO and come up with some sort of "Battle tactics" lol, it's his family, and you're in this together after all!

[kittykatharine]

Thank you so much Nicole for the advice. I am sure one of the many reasons (in addition to being a poor grad student) is he too doesnt like the idea of us being engaged in different cities. The family pressure is just getting to me. To be completely honest - if this wedding had never happend, then I porbably would be just fine. But I am just dreading all those awkward questions. You are totally right, in that, I need to prepare myself - where he and I prepare for all the, "so when will it be your turn" stuff. He and I have talked about this at great length, and he is well aware of how difficult of a day it will be.

[Silviar]

You should never base your relationship's stages on someone else's. Period. Ever. You're a happy, stable couple who are working towards some serious goals to benefit your life together, and that's pretty damn important. Personally, I could just as easily flip this around and say "Well gee, why are they getting married after only being together for 18 months?" To play devil's advocate, it may not be long enough to see if long-term they'd be stable together, either.

It's not a race to see who gets married first, and I think if this is what's weighing on you then you should reconsider your priorities. If, however, it's only the worry about the pressure/looks, then hold your head high and tell them you're waiting for the right time OR why not get engaged? I think you both need ot decide together if you want to take the next step and get engaged now, or if you're happy where things are at. Only you as a couple can determine that.

People who give you talks need to mind their own business, and you can tell them as such, since digging is rude.

[kittykatharine]

Silviar,

You are absolutely right about not letting others dig into our business. I know the main reason he hasnt proposed is because he can't afford a ring right now - and he wants our engagement to be special. It is just so hard sometimes when you are the butt of everyones joke - and I am tired of the "old maid" crap that I am getting from other. I need to just channel my inner strength and hold my head up high. I know for a fact that he loves me, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just need to stop allowing the actions and comments of others from effecting me so deeply. Your right in the sense - that his brother and fiance may not make it, since they have barely had to the time to really get to know each other. I know that my SO and I have been through a lot in the past 4 years and our relationship is both strong and stable. Thank you so much for you help.

[Silviar]

Silviar,

You are absolutely right about not letting others dig into our business. I know the main reason he hasnt proposed is because he can't afford a ring right now - and he wants our engagement to be special. It is just so hard sometimes when you are the butt of everyones joke - and I am tired of the "old maid" crap that I am getting from other. I need to just channel my inner strength and hold my head up high.

If someone tries to do that to you, call bullshit on them. You're only 28, for crying out loud! The average age for women to get married is 27, and for men, 29. Here's one link to stats, but you can find plenty of places that back it up. you're not an old maid if you're in a steady relationship to boot. You're just not married. For that matter, who says you 'have' to get married? I mean, if you're happy not being married, you certainly don't have to. People need to modernize, sheesh.

Listen to me, I'm getting indignant on your behalf. XD