Projection of garbage

[tiffinnie]

Warning : I get very wordy and angry when I rant, which is what I'm doing in this...

Ok so for the last couple of weeks my SO has had finals (close to graduation for him! woo!) and I've been really supportive and silent when I need to be.. I haven't been demanding attention or anything that would take away from his working on his final project... I've actually had to pull myself away from the computer because he wont stop talking to me when he is working on it... anyways... So between that and stress at work, hes been overly stressed and a little uptight (for lack of a better term)... but I've been sweet and dealt with all of it and never said anything about his bad attitude or the fact that we aren't talking as much as we used to (for understandable reasons)... I've been leaving him encouraging messages so that when he gets on theres something nice and hopefully something that will make him smile...

anyways... my major malfunction with all of this is I'm angry because that lovely boy is being difficult. I simply ask "what happened to you last night" and the response was "why?" UHHHH Because you didnt say anything to me for like 6 hours and your lunch break is only 1 hour so I was kinda thinking that you would be back after an hour... I understand you had a meeting but you could have at least said "hey I've got a meeting I'll talk to you tomorrow" or leave me a message after your meeting was over and tell me you are ok because I'm stupid and kinda got worried when you didnt say anything for soooo long... but now I'm just pissed off cuz then when you said you were tired and I said its ok cuz you will be outta school soon you tell me youre going to study more next year? uhhh what about coming here? UGH! Then when I ask whats wrong with you, you ask me "why?" again! because you have short responses and ask me why whenever I ask a question, your response is that you think its just an impression I'm getting from reading it wrong? no... you're being weird... whatever. then hey when I say "i love you ill talk to you when you get to work." your response is just "sure" and you leave? Awesome. Fall down some stairs please? (no I don't mean that... I'm just very annoyed with everything right now...)


Other than that, I am all hyped up on Thermaflu and Midol and I'm constantly eating cough drops and blowing my nose and I can't taste anything and my appetite has gone soooooo low that I didn't eat for almost 24 hours without noticing (someone asked me what the last thing i ate was...)

Just needed to rant and ask someone else... am I sounding crazy?

[LadyMarchHare]

It sounds like what you want at the moment is more communication from him and I don't mean like more talking. If he's giving short answers, you're looking for more SUBSTANCE in the communication and I think he needs to know that. If he can't think of anything better to say, fine, but he could try and say more since the short answers obviously bother you as well as what sounds like a constantly changing mind. Maybe when you're feeling better and he has some time you could talk about him clearing up his end of the communication line as well as trying to be on the same page?

[Thad]

Ok, so I've definitely been here and done that. Although my perspective is from his point of view. In my relationship, I was the one working on a thesis project for graduate school and my SO was the one being treated in similar ways you describe. One night she let me have it and we had a long drawn out fight over things that were basically blown out of proportion by either stress (on my part) or frustration because of lack of attention and quality communication (on her part). We both apologized and discussed it the next day and made our way through it.

Basically what I got from that situation (and other similar ones in times past) is that when one partner is very busy its easy for them not to realize how they are treating their partner. On the other hand, the other partner (you in this case) keeps there mouth shut and unintentionally bottles up frustrations and lack of attention because they want to be supportive. As you allude to, its a recipe for disaster.

You need to tell him how you feel in plain an simple terms. Tell him exactly what you expect. If you want to know he's going to be in a meeting and thats why you can' talk you need to tell him that, and he needs to figure out a way to communicate that to you. Basically the way for you to be supportive is to communicate your needs and have him do the same to you, and try to figure out the best way to balance each other.

And maybe if you want substance and he's not in a position to give it at the moment that you can agree on something else. It will be tough at first. My SO and I talked a lot on the phone, but the quality of our conversations dropped as I got busier. I kept calling because I thought its what she needed. I didn't realize I was having lower quality conversations. So we agreed to text more. It was hard to get used to at first, but after we got used it, it was a much better method of communicating during a busy and stressful time.

And lastly, its no good that you're sick either. I hope you feel better soon because that will definitely help. Above all remember, that his exams are a finite time, and when they're over he'll be that much closer to you, and hopefully you'll get your quality communications back!

[Karringtyn]

^^ Thank you Thad for your perspective...what you said makes so much sense.

Don't want to take over the thread with my own issues...but this helped ME.

Tiffinnie...communicate...and girl rest!! I am sick too.... Hope you get to feeling better...

[willieboy]

One thing that is important for both parties to realize is that in a long-distance relationship communication is really all you have. Sure, there are visits, pictures, videos, Skype chats, etc., but it's critical to remember that communication is the one thing you really, really have. You have to be intentional about developing your communication skills. When you have a little argument or a tiff and you get past it, it's essential to honestly process together how you solved the problem. If you're able to close the gap at some point, you'll have AMAZING communication skills and a deeper, more wonderful relationship in person. And if you are in a position where you just don't have time for longer conversations, it's important to communicate that clearly to your partner and to respect one another's space.

Use this opportunity to foster good, open, honest communication.

[tiffinnie]

@Thad, you rock. A guys perspective on this was exactly what I need... it probably doesn't help that our communication issues aren't just because of lack of time and the distance, but because english isn't his first language... meh I hate trying to explain things to him when I'm angry and get him to explain things to me when he is... its difficult but we're working on it! The quality is lacking majorly right now and I know if I could just get better it wouldn't be so... annoying... to me. I understand that he has all this going on right now and I can handle it usually, but this whole being sick thing is making me really short tempered.

*goes to sleep*

@Karringtyn, go for it, its here to get advice and answers and opinions and let all the bad out... and yes, I am going back to sleep riiiight now! Hope you get better soon!

[tiffinnie]

** update **

i was sick and angry
he was stressed out with graduation coming up and doing his final project and presentation... most of which is completely done and over with thank god (He did an amazing job apparently, not surprised, he's a pro <3)

so when I tried the tactic of being "aloof" haha i like that word... anyways when I became "aloof" he asked what was wrong and i said nothing and he said i was being different and i told him he was too and then he apologized and went back to being semi normal... I'm sure I can give him time and space and things will go back to normal. Just... stress levels were high. and now they are less... intense. Thank you guys <3

[BabyGund]

I wanted to thank Thad and Willie for their insights. I am struggling with something similar, and this has been helpful.

[wisdomdreamer]

I don't want to take over the thread but just thought I'd share:

To answer your initialy question: no, you don't sound crazy.

Wow when I read this I couldn't help but giggle a bit because I had this EXACT problem not even two weeks ago.

Things have changed since we talked about what was going on, on my part, now that I've seen his perspective and that it was affecting him as well it helps me be more understanding that we really are in this together and am no longer resentful. He has also become more spontaneous with the phone calls and tries to let me know every day that he's there and that he loves me (through a cute text message or something).

We also decided that on days when he was too busy that he should let me know, send me an email about his day that I would reply about mine etc and when he took a break from work he could read it, and right before I go to bed I would call just to say goodnight. It also helps knowing that this isn't for forever, he'll be done this section soon.

Another thing I found worked well last year was during that phone call have each of you ask a question about something that happened to you that day or in the news, something that made you think. It brings a third discussion topic into the conversation and can be done relatively quickly and makes you feel like there was some substance in the phone conversation you just had without changing the length of the conversation. Kind of like asking their opinion on a topic. It can be serious or silly. "If you could choose any bird as a pet, what would it be?" "A badminton birdie" (gotta love his humour). This may or may not work depending but it's an idea.

Sometimes a little compromise goes a long way.

Btw please get better, I'm dealing with a flu/cold right now and it bites the big one.

[Stephanieeee]

ugh, completly understandable. theres no reason for short worded bitchiness, especially when its on purpose to piss you off. not retunring an 'i love you' is never nessacary, and a rather imaature way to deal with an annoyance. you should talk to him about how thats probably a lot more upsetting then he thinks.

[tiffinnie]

ugh, completly understandable. theres no reason for short worded bitchiness, especially when its on purpose to piss you off. not retunring an 'i love you' is never nessacary, and a rather imaature way to deal with an annoyance. you should talk to him about how thats probably a lot more upsetting then he thinks.

you think thats bad. haha i havent posted anything about his overbearing need for privacy... which includes refusing to put any kind of relationship status on facebook (doesnt bother me as long as he doesnt put single!) and his awesome refusal to say i love you back to me if i post something that says it... i got pissed and he went on and on about how he feels in the sentimental sense is no ones business but his own and he knows that might be hard for me to wrap my mind around but its who he has always been (haha its ruined relationships before me) he has really only posted when he finished his project to announce his new status as an official computer engineer... otherwise he has pretty much not used his facebook and just kinda keeps it so i can fill it with obnoxious posts (then again I am the one that made it for him...) and so he can add old friends. Annoying and hurt my feelings because I let it. I mean I'm going to sound a little stupid in saying this but I am totally ok with him not changing his status... it just stings a little when he wouldnt post ilu in response... So the compromise was that I make a group on FB (haha I love those things!!) and then make it secret in privacy settings and then if i have anything i want to say to him i can say it there without feeling like he is rejecting me because he will actually respond to it there. He said he has two of his big bosses on his FB and tons of co-workers and his personal life is none of their business (which I agree) but when I said then don't add them he said "doesn't that make me an asshole?"
no... no it doesn't... but he disagrees. bleh we'll never agree on this so i just leave it alone...



in other news i've put the good ol' ebook of questions to great use! I love it! and I'm not sick at all anymore (all i needed to do was go back to my nocturnal sleeping pattern and my immune system would start fighting off the cold again! YAY!) we can't text or call because of international fees (ugh I hate it but whaaatever) and I think I like the suggestion about emailing. I tried this with him once and he didn't really understand the point when he could just tell me about his day when we converse the next time... which is a good point but... sometimes its nice to just get it out there right after it happens... <-- ugh I'm such a blogger!

Thank you guys <3