therapy opened my eyes

[amandamayaaa]

so, as many of you on here know eric and i have an ongoing issue with my neighbor/guy best friend and trust

i began going to therapy today to try and get someone else's opinion.. as i have gone to therapy in years past and i have loved it

so after going today i'm looking more into eric's perspective than i ever have before

and she even talked about how it wouldn't be too out of the loop to cut ties with my neighbor because of his boundary issues.. what do you guys think about that?

i'm really glad i started going it's helping a lot already

[Caitlin2009]

why cut ties with him if he's only a friend? im sorry but i think Eric needs to kinda deal with it, he's only a friend yeah ok you had a sexual history with each other but notice the word...HISTORY! as in past tense!!! he's just a friend now, and you shouldnt kick friends to the curb just because of that. but thats just my opinion

[Zephii]

That's great to hear. I think you need to do what's right for yourself and your relationship, and sometimes it's hard to see exactly what the best option is there. Whatever you decide, I'm sure you will both grow from the experience.

[Silviar]

It sounds to me like your therapist was a great choice, and I think you're strong enough to make that decision on your own - she's helping guide you into making the healthiest decisions for you, and that's what's important.

[LadyMarchHare]

why cut ties with him if he's only a friend? im sorry but i think Eric needs to kinda deal with it, he's only a friend yeah ok you had a sexual history with each other but notice the word...HISTORY! as in past tense!!! he's just a friend now, and you shouldnt kick friends to the curb just because of that. but thats just my opinion

If it was honestly damaging the relationship neither side should have to 'deal with it'. I don't see the issue here as amanda seems open to the idea, meaning losing ONE person to keep peace of mind in a more important relationship is not that huge a deal.

[TknandLvnIt]

It depends on why he has an issue with it in my opinion. My SO wants me to cut ties with my ex before him because of the hurt associated with him and because he tried to sabotage us a bit by saying he still loved me even though he was with someone else. My So has trust and jealousy issues because of past relationships and I agreed to stop contacting him but I can't control his actions. I understand what it means to do what's best for your relationship but we also have to realize that sometimes even though we want to do what's best for our relationship feeding into fears will not help in the long run. Like was said before do what's best for you and your relationship. Therapy is helpful but not the only answer because they aren't inside of your relationship...I hope you get the answers you are looking for :-)

[machstx]

i think you should cut ties with him. whats more important erics feelings or the friendship with a guy that you have history with?
when i moved back to nor-cal away from my bf and down the street from an ex...(who started as a good friend) i had to cut ties with him. it made my bf feel much better and i dont blame him. i wouldnt want him hanging out with anyone he used to fool around with so i gave him the respect id want him to give me.

[agentholli]

I just think that if you have your SO, they should also be your best friend. Then it doesn't cause any other issues. I say cut ties with him. But just my opinion

[Caitlin2009]

I dont understand cutting ties with someone thats only a friend now? thats like your SO controlling who you should be friends with, and thats not right even if a therapist says so. Denise has someone like that and of course im gonna be a little bit paranoid because he was the only one that treated her really well but it wouldnt be fair for me to tell her to cut all ties with him just because im uncomfortable with it, if you trust your SO it shouldnt be an issue so forgive me if im a little confused by this

[LadyMarchHare]

I dont understand cutting ties with someone thats only a friend now? thats like your SO controlling who you should be friends with, and thats not right even if a therapist says so. Denise has someone like that and of course im gonna be a little bit paranoid because he was the only one that treated her really well but it wouldnt be fair for me to tell her to cut all ties with him just because im uncomfortable with it, if you trust your SO it shouldnt be an issue so forgive me if im a little confused by this

You're making a case out of convenience, caitlin. It's her decision made from getting an outside opinion, not something she feels she has to do because of her SO. I cut ties with my best friend during my relationship. My SO didn't like her after some things she said, but I didn't leave her because of that. I left her of my own free will, which is what amanda would be doing. No one is forcing her here.

[Caitlin2009]

and thats fine and dandy nobody is forcing her but just because your SO is not comfortable or doesnt like a friend you have doesnt mean you gotta cut ties with that person, doesnt make any sense to me on why you should do that. thats not fair to them especially since theres no reason behind cutting a friendship because your SO doesnt like them, if the friend was a backstabbing asshole who kept trying to force himself on her then i could understand, but thats not the case here. maybe im missing something here *Scratches head*

[amandamayaaa]

yeah caitlin thats how he is though lol and thats the problem

i mean he has always been a very flirtatious person, and he has done some things to show that he has absolutly zero respect for our relationship.

now after all that i tried not hanging out with him very much, a lot less than we use to.. but still being friends with him because im a strong believer in the whole not giving up friends just because of boyfriends.. however, this situation is different.

he's a great friend of mine, but he sort of takes advantage of me.. but then on the other side i really enjoy hanging out with him, and he has been there for me through tough times.. buuut it makes my boyfriend extremellyy uncomfortable, like i can't even say his name without him getting annoyed because of the things he's done in the past

yes it was in the past.. which is why i've always had a hard time cutting ties because it does not happen anymore, but looking at it in his shoes more and understanding that what he did.. it's really hard to just gain back that trust, especially being so far away from me, and i torture eric whenever i'm with my neighbor

i'm trying to be a good friend and girlfriend.. and it's so hard

and yes agentholli you're right, eric is my best friend and boyfriend.. but that doesn't mean that he has to be my only friend.. i don't want to isolate myself from everyone in the world

[Cucaratcha]

I don't really know what's better to do for you as I don't know EVERYTHING, but if my girlfriend was in the same situation, I would probably be a bit annoyed, and I would probably ask her, not ask her, but tell her I would feel better if she cut the ties with him... But I know in some ways the fact of telling someone to cut the ties, could make the opposit... you know this famous "forbidden-limit" that is so exciting to trespass for some crazy people !

For example, if my girlfriend tells me once she feels uncomfortable about a friend of mine, I would leave him/her instantanely, of course, after explaining me why...

Just think about what's better for you relationship, you want him more than anything ? So then do the necessary to make it possible.

[Rach321]

Hmm- I tend to take a different perspective. To me, if my boyfriend asked me to give up another relationship so that he will to be happier in our relationship is a form of control. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. It's just something I avoid in my relationships. If I'm completely faithful to my SO, then his jealousy and insecurity in our relationship is his issue to work out within himself. It's not my responsibility to fix the problem for him by doing something I don't feel comfortable doing.

Hope that doesn't come across as harsh. It's just the way I see things. I do think it's great that you're talking about this with a therapist. And you may find that it's better for your relationship with Eric to end contact with your neighbor. Just wanted to add in my two cents because it's a little different from what others have said.

[TknandLvnIt]

Hmm- I tend to take a different perspective. To me, if my boyfriend asked me to give up another relationship so that he will to be happier in our relationship is a form of control. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. It's just something I avoid in my relationships. If I'm completely faithful to my SO, then his jealousy and insecurity in our relationship is his issue to work out within himself. It's not my responsibility to fix the problem for him by doing something I don't feel comfortable doing.

Hope that doesn't come across as harsh. It's just the way I see things. I do think it's great that you're talking about this with a therapist. And you may find that it's better for your relationship with Eric to end contact with your neighbor. Just wanted to add in my two cents because it's a little different from what others have said.

I agree with you I wonder where the line lies between doing what's best for your relationship and doing what makes your SO most comfortable...I mean its understandable especially with the guys past that he would be leery of them hanging out...But not hanging out ALONE in my opinion would resolve any fears my SO might have. I am in a similar situation and I'm at a bit of a loss as well...I don't contact him but I do reply if he texts me which to my SO is the same thing. He was initially very disrespectful of my relationship and HIS OWN but I told him that if he couldn't respect my relationship and have a conversation with me without bashing my SO then we couldn't be friends. He was really upset by this and stopped talking to me for a bit but realized that he was at fault and now we are working towards a healthier friendship...but I wasn't going to allow him to mess up my happiness or the trust in my relationship and for him that's all it took. Maybe he just needs an ultimatum.