Pressure from outsiders

[Andrea]

Hi,
My SO Mark & I originally met over 20 years ago (he’s in the UK, I was in NJ am now in NY) – we loved each other then, but at the time I had so much pressure from friends and family to end the relationship…eventually I did cave under the pressure and I wound up ripping his heart out in the process. Fast forward to 2009, Mark & I reconnected on FB – I was in a bad marriage & had already decided to leave my husband. Mark & I became friends…after a few months he came to visit and we became more than friends and I’m more in love with him than I ever was 20 years ago & I know he still adores me. We are now, always have been & always will be the loves of each others lives…I have no doubt about that.

He was in a relationship for 12 years & had two beautiful children with his ex. He sees his children every weekend & does his best to get along with his ex. When we first got back together one of his friends had “friended” me on FB & we chatted occasionally I became very comfortable with talking to him and I started confiding a lot of information in him about my relationship. The last time Mark was here we had gone to an immigration attorney, just to get an idea of time, money etc in getting him here permanently…I had told the friend about this and he went back to Mark’s ex. Ever since then it seems she’s been on a mission to come between Mark & his kids and just generally to hurt him. He’s never outright said it, but I’m starting to sense that none of his friends or family support our relationship anymore…I have no doubt about how much he loves me…but I’m so scared he’s going to cave under the pressure, just like I did over 20 years ago. Any advice on how to deal with this?
Thanks

[NikkiP]

If he hasn't outright said it, have you asked him? Ask him what others opinions are, and then ask him if it really matters. I'm not really in a position where people don't support my LDR, but more of a position where I am at a point in my life where I'm not ready to tell most people about it... So I understand not having the support, though it always sucks when the people you love cannot be happy and supportive of whatever it is that completes your life.

Tell him about your fears. How did he feel when you discussed these things with the friend? Have you stopped confiding in that "friend"? Maybe he also needs to talk to his ex. Is she afraid that he will try to bring them to NY? You really just need to open up to him and say here are my thoughts and my fears, now tell me what's going on inside of your head. Cause trust me, if you let this fester, it could ruin what you have all over again.

I hope this helps.

PS Welcome to the forums - I am from upstate NY originally but it is just TOO CHILLY for me.

[Silviar]

Mm, this is a tough one, so I hope our other divorcees with kids get a chance to respond. I'm a divorcee without kids - I lost a stepdaughter, which was hard to me. I think I would ask him straight out about if he feels unsupported by others, and that you'd like to talk about how he's feeling. All you can do is a be a supportive, loving partner and tell him he has your unconditional support. Just because others don't support your relationship doesn't mean they're pressuring him to break it off. There's noncommittal and then there's negative, and I think you need to find out which it is, and ask him how it feels for him.

The ex is a whole other level of hassle. There's little you can do in terms of fighting in court or anything like that, and unfortunately, all you can do is give as much in terms of love and hugs during. I'm sorry things are so pear-shaped.

[Andrea]

Thanks for your replies Nikkip & Silvar, I unfriended the "friend" and I Think the ex knows he doesn't plan on brining the kids to the States...she's just afraid that he's going to walk out of the kids lives (completely understandable), I don't know much about her but get the sense that she isn't exactly easy to talk to or reason with, so I don't think he's said much of anything to her. I know I need to talk to him, just stressing over whether to bring it up on Skype now or to wait til I'm there in January & I honestly don't know where to start. His kids are 7 & 10 and I have a 4 year old son as well (& my son's dad is very involved in my son's life - bad husband, great dad) - so it looks like that pond is going to remain between us for quite a while, so we need to learn how to communicate a bit better.

[Moon]

Hmmm...Can't say I blame your SO's ex, to be honest. I'm divorced, with a (now adult) kid, and its not easy! Imagine how you'd feel if your children's father was attempting the same thing, the last thing you'd want is for him to disappear out of their lives for some other chick's family, ya know? Anyway, since you both have small kids, it IS gonna be awhile before you can close the distance, but maybe in time, you'll gain the support you lost back, once his family and friends know he's not going anywhere. There's no fast way, you just have to wait it out, until they get over the circumstances and realize he's not about to skip out on the kids.

Also, and I'm sure you've realized this now, but NEVER, EVER discuss your relationship with HIS friends! Their loyalty really is to him, and that's what your friends are for. Facebook can be such a relationship killer!

[Andrea]

Hi Moon....no I don't blame his ex at all for getting upset - I can't imagine what she's going through. As far as Facebook goes - it IS what brought us back together, but now it seems that it could tear us apart - I don't want to delete my account, because it's how I share things about my son to out-of-state friends/family...but I've seriously considered talking to Mark about unfriending him