Help me out

[Jovan]

Here I am again....with problems and problems which never ending.

I don't know what is the right step for me to solve my problem anymore as we keep on argued all the time even it's only a small thing. The arguments made us tired. Sometimes I don't feel Love at all. This were happen because of our understanding, lack of trust and ego. We have been broke up once. She leaved me, she dumped me because of her family. I was really sick and fighting my life when she dumped me. She asked me to get married with another women because she can't take care of me. After 2 months dumped me, she wants back with me. It took long for me to say 'Yes'. And now we already been 9 months together since we brake up. Yesterday i said a thing that hurts her a lot. I tell her that i leave her without proper reason. I just felt that our relations will not sustains and I'll be more hurts. I'm not confidence with our relations while she really worked hard on our relations. I was effect by our past and this is another reason why sometimes I acted cold to her and easily get mad to her. She dates with someone while with me. She cries and tears all day and night when I said to her, we brake up. She don't want to accept it. And so, we back together again. Yet she afraid that i might blow up again. mad at her, keep changing. She asked me to promise, to not acted cold, and mad at her again. We are human and we tend make mistakes. And how can I promise to her? I don't wanna hurt her anymore. I am trying to keep a space and give our time. How i should do it? No text? No calls?

[Richard Marks]

You two have some problems to work out here. First and foremost there is a lack of trust on both your parts. You both need to sit down and work on that, as to how I would actually back off from the whole 'love' idea at the moment and just work on being friends. Any good long lasting relationship, even marriage has a good strong friendship as a basis. My wife is the closest, and best friend I have. So work on friendship first and stay back from the whole love relationship for a while while you rebuild that trust.

I would say that you both also have personal issues to deal with, for her it is her family. Only she can deal with that while you support her. For you I would suggest that you work harder on your commitment to her. Both of you also need to deflate your ego's, or more precisely I would suggest that it seems both of you have strong personalities and so you both need to work out compromises to situations. Otherwise you will both be trying to ride roughshod over each other all the time.

Finally, I see in you a need to lash out at her, understandable as she has hurt you badly. But I would strongly suggest that she is beating herself up over the way she treated you and she feels somewhat ashamed of how she has acted to you. By cutting the calls and or texts out you will just make her feel worse. Imagine yourself in her shoes. You hurt her badly and now feel ashamed for what you did, you are desperately trying to make things better but for some reason everything you do just seems to hurt her. So you beat yourself up even more and have arguments. Now if she gave you the cold shoulder it would make a bad situation worse, and you would feel even worse than before, and even more desperate to make up for what you did.

So whats the cure? Talk to her, let her know that you understand that she is feeling guilty over what happened. You may even have to apologize first to get an apology from her. Then Just ask if for the time being you could just be friends. You can still text, and still talk and it will be a new start in your relationship for the both of you. Just please do not be tempted to rush it back to the love stage. Give it time and let it flower.