Not Quite Sure what to make of this...

[AshleyH]

My SO, Roland, has always been lame when we text. He's never been into it, but I text him ever day when we're apart. We skype at least once a week, and I felt like asking him why he doesn't like texting. He says he doesn't feel it's necessary, and that he's really busy and doing other things and its a bit of a bother to him. At first I was a little upset he said it was a bother, but I'm kind of accepting it. He says he loves me and misses me, and he says he cherishes the times when I come down, but he doesn't care for texting all the time.

We always call each other before we go to sleep, and he says he'd rather not do that either... I am the one who always goes to see him because our situation makes it extremely difficult for him to come down to me. So I told him that I want him to still call me before he goes to bed, because I drive to see him and I at least wanted to keep that... I think that's reasonable if he isn't going to text me all the time.

I feel I'm trying to be understanding, and I know he's not into texting... But texting is a little way for me to cope... I'm not sure why it made me feel like he didn't care about me, it just struck me that way when we talked about it.

I'm home for a month, and I spent 4 days with him, and now he's been home for two days. Today is the third day he's been home, and I'm kind of bummed that he didn't come over today because he told me he would. (Our parents homes are only 5min apart). I decided to let that go because his sister came in town, and he normally keeps his promises... I just felt kind of down, and I'm not sure how to cope with not talking to him as often. He tells me I have nothing to worry about and that he would never cheat on me, and that he's just busy... He's never lied before, so I trust him. He told me I should go out with my friends more and keep a bit busier, and I told him that he should text me or call me randomly.

Sorry for the long post... A lot of things are on my mind. He rarely says really meaningful things, but when he does its so sweet. He tells me its way more meaningful since he does it sparsely... He doesn't try hardly at all to be romantic when we're apart, but he's so much fun when I'm there with him... His friends just replace me since I'm not there. I dunno... I know he loves me and I love him, we don't fight, I just feel like I'm needier than him. He also says its because I love him too much. I told him it's not possible to love someone too much... maybe it's he doesn't love me enough... But regardless, I'm not thinking of breaking up, I want to stay with him, I love him so much, and he loves me too, I just feel like I need some advice coping...

[samglam209]

I'm sorry you're having trouble.
Maybe write letters would he be more willing to that and call atleast 3 times a week or something?
I feel like my boyfriend has replaced me with my friends as well but I think it's normal. Instead of sitting there missing you he's trying to keep busy.
It kind of sounds like he isn't understanding of your feelings though as well... Which isn't good.
I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. He felt I loved him "too much" and I felt he was neglectful. I broke up with him,for a day mind you.lol. But thats what I did and since then he hasn't taken me for granted. I don't know how to get it through to your boyfriend but he needs some reminder and to think about your feelings. I hope everything works out!

[TknandLvnIt]

Coming from someone who used to wish that she could text her SO all day and gets upset when we have to get off the phone or he stops answering me...I would say that its probably something that you both need to work on in your relationship. I worry that I will become too needy for my SO and reassures me that I'm affectionate not needy and because he is too he understands it. I would love to be able to talk to him all the time since I can't be with him but I understand that he is busy...and I am learning that like your SO said I need to have a life of my own so that I am not so focused on missing him and the time he is not spending talking to me. My SO and I Skype once a week as well and we text in the morning and later in the day...sometimes its a call instead. I prefer to hear his voice but he likes texting shrugs. I think it just comes down to understanding what forms of communication work for the both of you. If he knows that you want to hear from via text since you only skype once a week then ask if he will text you in the morning just to say hi and what the plan is for the day and then talk to him that night. It seems that your SO might be getting frustrated by your "neediness" or "loving him too much" and is pulling away. Some guys can't handle the affection and like my Ex they pull away. I also think that you should let him have some time to spend with his family and catch up especially since you just saw him and plan a date like you normally would. I think being closer for you means that you hang out every day and for him it means you hang out when you are free....so maybe you should talk to him about that. Good luck in the conversation :-)

[Micah]

I think the moment that you start placing rules on communication, then it has the possibility of becoming a chore to the other person. If someone is expected to talk to you every night, even if they don't want to, then it's not fun for them. If they are forced to text, even if they don't really like doing so, then it can cause some annoyance, resentment, and pulling away.

My SO and I talk on the phone every few days. I would love to talk to him every day, but he's not a phone person. So, the fact that we talk every other day or so is something that I have had to adapt to. I text him daily, and 9 times out of 10, I am the one that initiates the text. He has always told me he's not a very good long distance communicator, so I just have to accept that. I would rather have him talk to me when he wants to instead of forcing him to talk to me. Like your SO, my boyfriend is awesome when we are physically together. I always feel a little empty and want more communication when we are apart. We don't Skype either because he isn't a computer guy. So, I can somewhat relate to how you feel. You just have to reach a common ground on what is acceptable communication for the both of you and meet in the middle. It may mean you might have to miss him a little more, like it does in my case, but you will eventually get used to it. And, although I am not a game player, sometimes I find that if I sort of pull away from communicating with my SO, he steps up on the communication because he realizes he missed it and depends on it too. So, perhaps if you pull away a little bit and give your man some space, he will get more of a chance to miss you and step up on the talking.

[becca53088]

My SO is also not a huge fan of texting. I would text much more often if he enjoyed, but I do not want him to be forced to do something he doesn't want to do and I respect that. I would not worry so much about that, I know a lot of people who find frequent texting to be disruptive to what they are doing. I have found that not pushing the texting issue and not constantly texting has caused my SO to be more responsive to the texts that I do send. My SO and I talk every night and that has never been an issue because we both want to talk every night. If he does not prefer talking each and every night before bed, is this because you talk a few times during the day? Ask him what he has in mind as far as communication goes and what he would be happy with. Then, you need to be open and honest about what you would like. Try to meet in the middle, however try to communicate to him that communication is absolutely essential in LDR's--that what you have to rely on to get by. My SO and I talk every night and exchange texts every so often but not frequently. This definitely suffices. They key is that you both find a balance that you both feel okay with and stick to that. Neither of you should be forced to talk when you do not want to, but neither of you should feel deprived and constantly wanting more because you may be unhappy and the relationship may not ultimately work out.

As far as the visiting part goes, it should definitely be more equal between you two. I had to speak with my SO at one point because I was doing more of the visiting and he never realized my point of view and that it was unfair to begin with. Tell him to see it from your perspective and let him know that you want to reach a compromise in all aspects of your relationship and it will be good.

[Čternity]

Sometimes you just have to let your SO 'row the boat' for awhile, meaning let them do the work of contact, while you get on with life. Let him miss you. Be patient and wait for contact while you are getting on with your life. Placing rules around communication really doesn't tend to work well if one person resists it.

[Richard Marks]

Man I am sorry that you are finding it so tough, and I pray that things will get better for you soon.

Anyway I thought I would post from a mans perspective, or at least 1 mans perspective.

When I was dating my wife (sorry I have to go on experience here), I did find it very difficult to be apart from her, we did not even have the option of texting one another or even skype (She did not have the internet, except at collage). We even had a hard time finding time to ring one another once a week due to conflicting schedules a lot of the time. So we made the best of it when ever we could. 2 to 3 hour phone calls were normal.

Anyway, as I said it was hard on me to be apart from her, not even being able to talk to her all that often, so what I personally did was I filled my time when we could not talk to one another with something else. Something to take my mind away from being apart from her (for me it was computers and games).
This did unfortunately translate into me being a little distant with her at times. My mind would be occupied with thoughts of the game or something.

It was in effect a self defense mechanism designed to reduce the pain I felt about being apart from her.

Did it hurt her? Yes it did. It put a strain on our own relationship that during our longest absence apart (8 months, no physical contact and only the odd phone call) almost led to our separation. Thankfully we worked through it by talking about it.

I have to say, that it seems to me that women seem to deal with the separation present in a LDR better than men do.

[AshleyH]

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I really appreciate it! I've already had a conversation with him about the communication... I think I'll sit him down one more time before we separate again. I really miss him more I guess because I am mostly doing school work and not fun things. He is my tutor because he is so smart, so I am lucky to have that.

Thank you for all the advice, I will let him do a bit more of the communicating. I hope it makes him miss me more and not be more distant...