I can't handle much anymore(terribly long)
Hello folks,
Been awhile since I've posted, heh reason being i started seeing a counselor instead of using this forum. All those college services can come in handy.
Long story short I'm afraid I'm sabotaging the relationship with my SO, we just passed 7 months of dating. We see each other roughly every 2 weeks for a good 4-6 days. We are only 2 hours apart myself in hamilton her in london, ontario canada of course.
We've had our bumps, our ups and downs. But we are still together.
I had a breakdown in October resulting from the stress of the relationship. Which as I said caused me to seek help.
We've broken up twice now, first when she decided to seek *cough* comfort outside the relationship. Asked for me back, I forgave her we moved on. Second time she decided it would be easier to break up with me instead of dealing with an issue, she asked for me back promising to change.
I've been diagnosed with depression, not the Major variety but I'm only missing a few symptoms. She has thoughts of suicide and cutting herself, both attempted in the past, no attempts since we've been together. Memory lapse, and forgetting large chunks of time (a month) October, was that month she forgot, still bothers me to this day.Though she claims she doesn't have a problem and refuses to see a doctor or other professional. One form of tension. Since i want to see her well, and push her too hard in that matter, while she stone walls the issue. I've since backed off, though it's always on my mind.
She has trouble communicating, in all forms. Most likely linked to her almost complete physical deafness. No her condition doesn't bother me, we've learned to patient with each other when talking to each other, having to repeat ourselves many times etc. Though when trying to communicate, say when we are arguing, or trying to talk about an issue about the relationship, 95% of the time she can/will only respond with an idk(i don't know). what I've learned is it means either she doesn't want to talk about the issue or just plain doesn't know. Again a source of frustration that i'm slowly becoming able to deal with.It's so bad she's willing to give up on everything and us, instead of working through a quite simple problem between us.
this was slammed home almost 2 weeks ago when she tossed a bomb on me saying she didn't feel as connected anymore and she wasn't sure if she loved me. This was sparked by my flipping out over a miss-communication, one that lasted a whole night that she didn't correct me on until the next day. I tried to talk it through however my "favorite response" was thrown at my every question, idk. By talking with my counselor, I gave her an option of maintaining her promise to change, to continue trying with the relationship, treating me well, showing me affection( the promise she made when she asked for me back), and if she could not, then i would leave her. I gave her one week to decide, and let her know i would decline to speak with her about anything else, though he sure as hell tried to talk to me about almost anything else. On the 4th day she gave me her response and we were back on the road of our relationship together.
But the damage i believe was done, i may be too battered and bruised from this relationship, I'm not taking anything negative very well, not like I used to. For instance she told me she was going to move back in with her emotionally and verbally abusive mother instead of finding a place with her friend. she got kicked out 2 weeks ago(physically dragged out, her mother broke her necklace), again just before she said she wasn't feeling connected.Needless to say I flipped out. This wasen't the first time she's been kicked out, and both time she has been devasted. Even the last time she said she does not want to deal with it anymore, and she started looking for places to live with her friend. I was mad, surprised, disappointed and scared. Knowing how much her mother puts her through, that she's willing to walk back into that... it just baffles me. Knowing i have to look forward to comforting her in the future when her mother decides to flip her shit.
It's these thoughts that are killing me. I'm feeling like our relationship is always on the edge of a knife, anything that happens to her...directly effects me and our relationship. And that's what it's been about, her. comforting her, making sure she's happy, if the relationship is up it's cause of her, when it's down it's cause of her. I'm trying to get that to a 50/50 area but as i said at the start i feel like i'm sabotaging things with my defeatess, and fearfull attitude right now. I feel i can't talk to her about any of this becaus es you guessed it, my good friend idk greets me at the door.
/sigh i feel beat up honestly, and i'm in no position to keep this relationship going like i have. I love her, and i know she loves me. But i cannot shake this feeling that a fight or breakup is right around the corner no matter what i do.
Help.
Been awhile since I've posted, heh reason being i started seeing a counselor instead of using this forum. All those college services can come in handy.
Long story short I'm afraid I'm sabotaging the relationship with my SO, we just passed 7 months of dating. We see each other roughly every 2 weeks for a good 4-6 days. We are only 2 hours apart myself in hamilton her in london, ontario canada of course.
We've had our bumps, our ups and downs. But we are still together.
I had a breakdown in October resulting from the stress of the relationship. Which as I said caused me to seek help.
We've broken up twice now, first when she decided to seek *cough* comfort outside the relationship. Asked for me back, I forgave her we moved on. Second time she decided it would be easier to break up with me instead of dealing with an issue, she asked for me back promising to change.
I've been diagnosed with depression, not the Major variety but I'm only missing a few symptoms. She has thoughts of suicide and cutting herself, both attempted in the past, no attempts since we've been together. Memory lapse, and forgetting large chunks of time (a month) October, was that month she forgot, still bothers me to this day.Though she claims she doesn't have a problem and refuses to see a doctor or other professional. One form of tension. Since i want to see her well, and push her too hard in that matter, while she stone walls the issue. I've since backed off, though it's always on my mind.
She has trouble communicating, in all forms. Most likely linked to her almost complete physical deafness. No her condition doesn't bother me, we've learned to patient with each other when talking to each other, having to repeat ourselves many times etc. Though when trying to communicate, say when we are arguing, or trying to talk about an issue about the relationship, 95% of the time she can/will only respond with an idk(i don't know). what I've learned is it means either she doesn't want to talk about the issue or just plain doesn't know. Again a source of frustration that i'm slowly becoming able to deal with.It's so bad she's willing to give up on everything and us, instead of working through a quite simple problem between us.
this was slammed home almost 2 weeks ago when she tossed a bomb on me saying she didn't feel as connected anymore and she wasn't sure if she loved me. This was sparked by my flipping out over a miss-communication, one that lasted a whole night that she didn't correct me on until the next day. I tried to talk it through however my "favorite response" was thrown at my every question, idk. By talking with my counselor, I gave her an option of maintaining her promise to change, to continue trying with the relationship, treating me well, showing me affection( the promise she made when she asked for me back), and if she could not, then i would leave her. I gave her one week to decide, and let her know i would decline to speak with her about anything else, though he sure as hell tried to talk to me about almost anything else. On the 4th day she gave me her response and we were back on the road of our relationship together.
But the damage i believe was done, i may be too battered and bruised from this relationship, I'm not taking anything negative very well, not like I used to. For instance she told me she was going to move back in with her emotionally and verbally abusive mother instead of finding a place with her friend. she got kicked out 2 weeks ago(physically dragged out, her mother broke her necklace), again just before she said she wasn't feeling connected.Needless to say I flipped out. This wasen't the first time she's been kicked out, and both time she has been devasted. Even the last time she said she does not want to deal with it anymore, and she started looking for places to live with her friend. I was mad, surprised, disappointed and scared. Knowing how much her mother puts her through, that she's willing to walk back into that... it just baffles me. Knowing i have to look forward to comforting her in the future when her mother decides to flip her shit.
It's these thoughts that are killing me. I'm feeling like our relationship is always on the edge of a knife, anything that happens to her...directly effects me and our relationship. And that's what it's been about, her. comforting her, making sure she's happy, if the relationship is up it's cause of her, when it's down it's cause of her. I'm trying to get that to a 50/50 area but as i said at the start i feel like i'm sabotaging things with my defeatess, and fearfull attitude right now. I feel i can't talk to her about any of this becaus es you guessed it, my good friend idk greets me at the door.
/sigh i feel beat up honestly, and i'm in no position to keep this relationship going like i have. I love her, and i know she loves me. But i cannot shake this feeling that a fight or breakup is right around the corner no matter what i do.
Help.
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