LDR/Age difference issue -kinda long

[Carynthia]

I joined this site in Nov. and have pretty much just lurked but having this site has been so helpful about LDR relationship's and now I just need some advice or thoughts. My SO and I met online through a game. We talked for about 4 months as friends when we both realized we felt more for each other. Initially we tried to push away from each other but we couldn't as we felt a "connection" which neither of us felt before. The reason we tried to push away was I am 34 and he is 24 plus we are on opposite sides of the U.S. (Boston/Cali) I have children from a prior marriage (4) and he has none from his prior marriage. We decided to give it a shot after our feelings grew stronger and see what happens. Honestly, neither of us talked about long term as we wanted to see how "we" would work together first. So it has been two months and we actually work great together, we can talk for hours on end on the phone, we laugh all the time, we can talk about serious issues (he is very mature for 24), we fully trust each other, we talked to our families about the other. It's odd how close we became from actually having not met and we had planned on meeting in Oct. 2011. He accepted the fact that I had children. Well, he is attempting to start a music career and feels he has this calling to live in Seoul at some point in his life (he did not mention this until end of Nov. as he thought it was just a phase that he felt that way). I have indicated that while this could be a choice for me down the road, I can't at this moment...my youngest is 8. He also wants a family and children (5) which I am ok with having another child or two but not 5. We both feel that we would have to start having kids right away and we know that is unrealistic at this point and not smart either.

We talked about compromising on the children issue..maybe not so many but ventured off that topic and didn't approach it again. Also, he is feeling a physical void right now as far as having someone to come home to, to vent or just laying down with after having a hard day. That is something we both knew came with a long distance relationship. He is really longing to have the "physical" aspect as far as holding hands, watching movies, cuddling. We both have had our ups and downs with that...I just got over mine and it looks like it's his turn now. He has not had internet since Dec 1st and won't until March so it's pretty much phone contact at this point.

Last night, we were trying to decide to end it or continue but pretty much ended it. We are extremely upset about this choice and I can't help to think that maybe we are rushing to end it. Instead of talking about the "how's", we talked about the "cant's". How could we live together, have a family, how to continue an LDR etc. I guess I'm just looking for thoughts, past experiences, talking points. After all we talked about, it seems crazy to just end it after an hour and a half conversation. I did post this on an age site as that is the other half of it and figured that different aspects might have different views. We would be an LDR for at least a couple of years but would def. make plans to meet. The other thing is personally he is going through a rough time...a dear friend passed away, his uncle/aunt are divorcing and it's affecting his grandmother whom he is extremely close with, along with his brother having issues..so I don't know if that is affecting his viewpoint either.

[DelicateMelodies]

If he's going through a hard time right now... maybe he just needs a break?

[Silviar]

First, welcome to LFAD - you picked a doozy of a first post. I hope I'm able to help.

The way I answer advice questions is what I would do in your situation. And the first thing I would do is consider the checks and balances of the situation. All relationships have positives and minuses, and I (personally) feel that ending it because of the distance is bullshit. Now, some people can't handle the distance, and if they just can't handle it, that's fine, but the fact is if that's the only thing stopping you from having a relationship is feeling the distance is too much while down in the dumps, then I call shenanigans. Everyone longs for the physical aspect; it's important in a relationship. But if you love someone, then having another's touch isn't going to satisfy you or make you happy; in fact, it'll probably make you feel more empty.

I also don't see age as a barrier to love; one of the best couples I know has a 26 year gap between them. They're married, and one of the most balanced couples I've ever met.

So what I would really ask in the end is if he wants to be with me, and only me. If so, we can work together to make it work. If he's on the fence, then no dice.

It sounds to me that in the end that you're both focusing on the entire length of the time, which is important, yes, but you're not going to be alone - you'll see each other a few times a year. As long as you have meet-up plans on-going, I think you'll find the distance easy to manage.

Don't forget that at the holidays people bring lots of personal baggage as well because of their past experiences around the holidays, whether they're conscious of it or not. But I don't think talking about it while he's so stressed about other things will help, either, so I'd ask him to consider talking about this when his mind isn't so beset by so many other things. It's not fair to either of you to make a decision about this when everything else is so pear-shaped.

[Carynthia]

Thanks to both of you! I agree...it's probably a bad time to have talked about and maybe I should have realized that. The holidays with personal issues with being lonely...meh it's a recipe for disaster! Yes, this is a doozy of a first post but what a way to say hello =)

I think I will give him a couple of days to breathe and then reach out to him and ask him to talk.