a little hurt and jealous...

[kateh]

today, my SO looked amazing on skype. he was in a suit, all cleaned up and told me was even wearing cologne--something he never does when i visit.
he just left to take another girl out on a date.
i told him i was okay with it--and i am.
this girl just had a bad breakup; she has had really bad luck with guys, and i feel bad for her.
but i can't help but feel really jealous of her. it's been five months since i saw tom, and we only went on one date when i visited (i was in fl for about 6 days). that was the first time i'd seen him in 10 months, too.
i know i shouldn't let it bother me, but i can't help it. i wish it was me going ice skating and to dinner with him.
he says they're really just friends, and that he has no romantic interest in her, and i trust tom with my life. but she's still on the rebound and i'm a bit worried about how SHE feels.
i'm finally back in america for christmas, but i'm with my grandparents and cousins--who i haven't seen in two years--but i'd still rather be back with my SO. my parent's won't let me visit him though.
things just suck right now. i have to pretend like i'm okay around my family and put on a smile when i was on skype with him. but now that he's left and everyone's going to bed, i'm feeling hurt and sad.

has your SO ever taken another girl/boy out? how did you react? what did you do?

[LadyMarchHare]

While I understand his reasoning for doing it, I think it's stupid to do it when you're taken yourself. There's such a thing as crossing the line with help/charity with others and I think the line was crossed with that. They may have agreed on certain conditions of the date, but to me dates are meant to spark romance, not try and cheer someone up like a pity party. And really I understand why you're upset, I know I'd be just for the fact it's being done and not the worrying over if she pulls a fast one on him or anything similar.

I would suggest telling him later that it did indeed hurt you, even if just a bit, and why. He deserves to know when he does something that hurts you just as you deserve to know you did something that hurt him. It's a part of the communication process and I think would help you feel better in the end than bottling it up and playing 'pretend everything's OK'.

[kateh]

thanks, i'll try to talk to him about it wednesday (i'll be gone all day tomorrow). but i have a really hard time telling him stuff like this in the first place... :/

[Èternity]

Yes, it should bother you. There is being an understanding gf and then there's WTF!! Seriously, seriously, would he allow you to do the same??? I'm just stunned and hurt on your behalf. He should set her up with a single friend of his, not himself.

[LadyMarchHare]

thanks, i'll try to talk to him about it wednesday (i'll be gone all day tomorrow). but i have a really hard time telling him stuff like this in the first place... :/

What about writing it down beforehand and using that as a prompt, like when you give speeches? That way you have time to write down everything you want to say about it and you can edit it as much as you want.

[lucybelle]

Well I'm almost positive I represent the minority in this situation-- I think it is perfectly okay for your SO to take out another girl IF you are okay with it. Which you obviously are not. Thus the post. Talk to him about it. Say "Of course I trust you to not make any moves, but you going on a date hurt me a lot more than I thought it would and I would appreciate if we could agree to not do that again on either end."

My SO and I were in an open relationship for about a year. It worked just fine for us. He was seeing other girls, I was seeing other guys. Almost everyone on here thinks that is crazy talk, but honestly it worked well for us at the time. We just a month ago committed to be monogamous. But both partners have to be alright with it. If my SO decided to take a girl out, I would be fine. But I guess I'm crazy

[kateh]

mmmn, maybe. i'm no good at speeches either though, haha.

and actually, he wouldn't mind if i did that. i consider just kissing someone else to be cheating, but he said he wouldn't mind if i kissed another guy.
he's also trying to convince this girl to get back together with her ex while he's out.
gahh, it's bothering me more that it's bothering me than that he's out with another girl, actually.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well I'm almost positive I represent the minority in this situation-- I think it is perfectly okay for your SO to take out another girl IF you are okay with it. Which you obviously are not. Thus the post. Talk to him about it. Say "Of course I trust you to not make any moves, but you going on a date hurt me a lot more than I thought it would and I would appreciate if we could agree to not do that again on either end."

My SO and I were in an open relationship for about a year. It worked just fine for us. He was seeing other girls, I was seeing other guys. Almost everyone on here thinks that is crazy talk, but honestly it worked well for us at the time. We just a month ago committed to be monogamous. But both partners have to be alright with it. If my SO decided to take a girl out, I would be fine. But I guess I'm crazy

It depends on the circumstances. To take a girl out who is just broken up and you're taken, it seems silly to me because dates are supposed to be for fun reasons, not pitying ones like that. I get it's to cheer her up, but then why not throw the girl a party? My opinion on it is a date of any sort even if it's supposed to be platonic is the last thing she needs.

[kateh]

My SO and I were in an open relationship for about a year. It worked just fine for us. He was seeing other girls, I was seeing other guys. Almost everyone on here thinks that is crazy talk, but honestly it worked well for us at the time.

haha i couldn't do that. i'd get too jealous and i'd feel terrible going with another guy....
i just don't want him to feel bad if i tell him that it bothered me. because i know it will hurt him that it hurt me--and especially because i didn't tell him right away. then he'll get mad at himself, and i really don't want that. it always happens like that if i mention anything that bothers me.

[LadyMarchHare]

haha i couldn't do that. i'd get too jealous and i'd feel terrible going with another guy....
i just don't want him to feel bad if i tell him that it bothered me. because i know it will hurt him that it hurt me--and especially because i didn't tell him right away. then he'll get mad at himself, and i really don't want that. it always happens like that if i mention anything that bothers me.

Well you were fine with it until a bit ago and you're busy tomorrow so unless you leave a note, which I don't recommend, of course you can't tell him right away. Yeah it may stir up hurt, anger, what have you but you can't hide these sorts of things from him just to spare feelings. If it bothers you, for whatever reason, he needs to know.

[garnet]

I'd be bothered by this too. That just isn't something you do when you have an SO... no matter if you say it bothers you or not. :/ I would seriously tell him. If he gets upset that he hurt you, okay, he needs to know that you aren't made of stone and have feelings. Let him be upset imo. You shouldn't have to take everything on your shoulders and just deal with it.

[kateh]

i'll send him a text in the morning. i finally have a phone again, so that makes chatting a little easier. but i'd hate to tell him over text, it's not the same and i can't talk it over so much....
thanks for all your advice and support, guys. i'll definitely talk to him about it soon.

also, garnet, i love your username. got a friend named gold?

[Butterfly]

The way you feel is completely normal.

My SO would be missing a very, er, important part of his body if I found out he was taking another girl on a date!

& I really am not the jealous type, it's just not something you do when you are in a committed relationship.

That in mind, I don't know you personally or your situation with your SO. If you were OK with this and it didn't bother you, then I wouldn't think anything of it and/or comment. But it doesn't seem like you are too OK with that.... :/ I would share your feelings with him and tell him how you feel.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed? Just a thought.

[luna_banana]

I'd be really upset if this happened to me!
But then again my SO would be upset as well if I took another guy out on a date, so I don't think he would ever do that.

[Cucaratcha]

Well it's kind of awkward.
I'm a guy, I would never do that just because I wouldnt like my girlfriend to misunderstand what Im doing... because there are many reasons where it can be misunderstood.
But I dont think your SO has bad intentions... I dont know him, but if he's in a LDR, and seriously in it, I dont think he's the type of guy to look for another girl. All the guys I know who are almost every weekend with another girl, well or every month, they all say like "OMG, I couldnt be in a LDR like you, it's too much" they mean physically...