Your relationship isn't a real one mentalities

[pytsip]

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was upset because her boyfriend was away for the weekend for 3 days because he's in a band and they were playing a show in Tennessee. She and I were talking about him being gone the one night and I told her to be glad that it was only 3 days and that she would see him at the end of the weekend. I don't know if that was just not the right thing to say to her or not, but she looked at me, and replied "Yeah, well Dan and I love each other."

I just point blank looked at her at that point. I mean, how can she say that? I have no doubt that her and Dan are in love, but the meaning of her comment was to undermine my relationship. Just because we're not with each other physically all the time, doesn't mean that we don't love each other and honestly I think that it shows more depth to our love considering that we're both willing to stay with each other despite the distance.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has run into something similar to this. Kind of like a "Your relationship isn't a real one" mentality from other people.

[LadyMarchHare]

My SO actually brought something similar up a couple weeks ago in that he was saying some believed that less attention equaled less love. I guess it could be what your friend was thinking was less physical attention/time together, less love. Personally I would've brought all hell down upon her for questioning my own feelings towards my SO when you didn't even question hers, just compared her circumstances to your own.

That aside, I have run into that mentality, and from a therapist no less. I'm also of the mind my mom has it but she has other bones to pick with my SO so it's not something I'm worried about. It's rather funny we run into that stuff and then see those dating site commercials where they say 1 in 5 relationships begin on an online dating site and those can be LD as well.

[pytsip]

I almost wanted to ask her if her if she could handle Dan being on the other side of the world. It might be somewhat shallow of me, but part of me thinks that ldr's aren't for everyone and that the majority of people in the world couldn't handle being in one. Despite our world becoming less physically attached due to technology and such, I feel like a lot of people miss the whole emotional connection in relationships because everyone is so focused on the physical aspect of them. Maybe that's one of the reasons why 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce? I'd actually wager a guess that people who have survived a long distance relationship with their SO are more inclined to stay married because those couples have focused so much on actually getting to know the person. It just really irked me that she would hint at the fact that my boyfriend and I don't love each other, and even though it happened a couple weeks ago, it still bothers me, I mean she's supposed to be my friend and here she is basically saying that my relationship is a lie and that we don't really love each other.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well no, LDRs aren't for everyone and it's kinda been proven on this forum. People break up all the time for various reasons but the majority being distance and the uncertainty of the future. And I agree a lot of people don't take the time to get to know each other on a deeper level and with a LDR that's sort of all you have to do since you can't have sex, you can't go to clubs or parties or just hang out under the stars. You're talking and looking at each other, if you're on skype, and learning. Does it always work? No, not really, but it sure as hell helps.

As for your friend, my best friend of 9 years acted the same way. She told me all he wanted was my virginity and all I wanted was to lose it. Great way to go about it, right? 600+ miles between us REALLY is gonna do that. I'd still be mad at her too, because that's an honestly low blow.

[Silviar]

Pystip, I don't blame you - I'd be pretty irked myself. And I'd probably shoot back with a snarky response myself. LOL.

I had a recent similar experience - last night, in fact. It's bugging me so much that it's still on my mind.

I called my grandma to talk with her, and at the end of our conversation she asked how Matt's visit had been. I filled her in on a few things, and then her tone changed. She told me that she hoped I had a good trip, and that it's an 'awfully long distance for a relationship' - and implying that she hoped I enjoyed the moment, because it's all I had. That my relationship wasn't a 'real' relationship. She started to say more, but I told her firmly that we were planning on closing the distance, and that I was moving to Australia. I could tell from her tone and the following words that she didn't approve. She started asking me where I would live (I told her Matt's family invited me to live with them, but I could easily get my own place), and I basically laid down that the strong economy combined with the acceptance and ease/lesser cost of a visa meant that I was moving there, and I also told her we were quite flexible on moving back to the US if it was more advantageous for us.

She made it clear that the Matriarch Did Not Approve with her voice when she said it was 'a long ways to move.' Like I didn't consider that?

Ugh. Family. XD

[milaya]

Well my father surely has that mentality. He hasn't said anything, but negative things about it. And some of those comments has also been on the "Your relationship isn't real" side. Like when he complains about the time my SO and I use to talk.
My father: "you spend like 4 hours a day talking to that guy."
Me: "No I don't. More like 30 minutes and how much doesn't regular couples talk?"
My father: "Well you went and found a guy from "over there", so you could just put the talking on hold until he's here."

Also I was talking with some friends a few months ago about birth control. One of my friends said she would start using the pill if she got a boyfriend, I told her that I wasn't using it. (I use the other popular method) Then she told me "yeah, but yours is different"... "You do know people in a LDR can get pregnant too, right?" (My SO and I are together around 35% of the year)

I actually often hear "yeah, but yours is different". My mom also uses that. For an example when I talk about the amount of time my SO and I have been dating. "Well, mom we have been together X months", "yeah, but your relationship is different." (Yes, it's a lot harder if that's what you mean!!!")

[Emma-Louise]

I think that people need to understand that being in a LDR means that you get to know a person on a higher level than that of a CDR, because when you're with the person physically all the time, you'll never get to talk to such depths like that of a LDR. You discover so much about that one person before you meet them and find out about them in person.. There are so many different types of couples these days. Why pick on those whose only difference is distance.. We're still in love.

[raein]

My boyfriend's parents think that our relationship is basically worthless and just a phase. It sucks because I love him so much and want more than anything for his parents approval. All I have to say is you are in it for each other, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

-Rae

[Dziubka]

I don't know, maybe because I talk about my boyfriend a lot and we do get to see each other quite regularly, but I haven't gotten that yet.
I get a lot of "You're so lucky, you get to travel abroad all the time!" and "Wow, you're going again? It must be so cool to have a boyfriend in [city]". I really do like travelling and all, but I'd happily give up all the flying and travelling to have my boyfriend with me all the time. Most of my friends only see the frequent flying and travelling, though

[LadyMarchHare]

I think that people need to understand that being in a LDR means that you get to know a person on a higher level than that of a CDR, because when you're with the person physically all the time, you'll never get to talk to such depths like that of a LDR. You discover so much about that one person before you meet them and find out about them in person.. There are so many different types of couples these days. Why pick on those whose only difference is distance.. We're still in love.

It's because modern society's been fed that those on the computer are all liars and it's just fantasy, therefore they treat our SOs like serial killers and our relationships like playing house or with Barbies. People think you need to be in someone's face to know them but like I've said countless times, if someone wants to lie, they could be 3 feet from you or 3,000 miles, they'll lie. There's a lot of ignorance in people when it comes to social interaction via the web and the measures we all go through to maintain some bit of normalcy in a not so normal relationship setup.

[threecheers9980]

I kind of get that feeling from my father. He's never specifically said that he believes the relationship isn't real, but he just thinks Joe is stringing me along, taking advantage of me by borrowing money from me. That because I haven't met his family, that he's like some shady guy.

The irony is that now that I think about it, my father is in an LDR too. He's married to some chick who lives a couple hours away but doesn't live with her. I've never met her and don't know anything about her except for her name, so I could probably throw the shady crap back in his face. But I don't.

[Snowy.Winter]

A few weeks ago a friend of mine was upset because her boyfriend was away for the weekend for 3 days because he's in a band and they were playing a show in Tennessee. She and I were talking about him being gone the one night and I told her to be glad that it was only 3 days and that she would see him at the end of the weekend. I don't know if that was just not the right thing to say to her or not, but she looked at me, and replied "Yeah, well Dan and I love each other."

I just point blank looked at her at that point. I mean, how can she say that? I have no doubt that her and Dan are in love, but the meaning of her comment was to undermine my relationship. Just because we're not with each other physically all the time, doesn't mean that we don't love each other and honestly I think that it shows more depth to our love considering that we're both willing to stay with each other despite the distance.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has run into something similar to this. Kind of like a "Your relationship isn't a real one" mentality from other people.

If I were you, I would've been so incredibly mad at her and possibly even shouted at her. Reading her say that, actually made me angry.

[Silviar]

It's because modern society's been fed that those on the computer are all liars and it's just fantasy, therefore they treat our SOs like serial killers and our relationships like playing house or with Barbies. People think you need to be in someone's face to know them but like I've said countless times, if someone wants to lie, they could be 3 feet from you or 3,000 miles, they'll lie. There's a lot of ignorance in people when it comes to social interaction via the web and the measures we all go through to maintain some bit of normalcy in a not so normal relationship setup.

Exactly. Serial killers can pick women up in bars, hookers, always blonde women who work in administrative positions... it's not just 'the internet' that has crazy people. 'Those crazy people' are around you in real life. It's funny how people can get so caught up in the internet idea that they forget the exact same things can happen to a relationship or person you meet in the same town - lying, cheating, being with a loser, etc...

[pytsip]

So I finally told Andrew today about that whole conversation with her and his response was "haha, and that's one of the reasons why I never liked her, she's an idiot and a bitch."

Anyway, I mean the issue with the media and internet dating is huge and based on the people on here it's obvious that so many great relationships come from meeting on the internet, it's really just another avenue of finding your soul mate, and I think that with the need to connect on a deeper level (oh boy I sound like an eharmony commercial) with internet relationships that there is definitely no doubt that people in them really do care about each other.

But my issue with her saying that to me was the fact that if I didn't really love my boyfriend and he didn't really love me, we would have ended our relationship when he moved to China. I mean yes, maybe our relationship was at first pretty physical, but obviously I wouldn't continue to be in a long distance relationship if I hadn't already established that I cared so much about him and loved him. I mean it just to me goes to show how much we both really do love each other. We were both so used to spending every day with each other and to just so voluntarily let go of that physicality for the time being but still remain together I think goes to show how deeply we both care about each other and want to be with each other.

[Tabitha]

I haven't really encountered this problem. My parents are no longer here, and my SO's parents had to be in an LDR for two years after his dad graduated from college while they were waiting on his mom to graduate. Our friends are all supportive as well. If someone ever directly stated, or even implied, that our relationship isn't real, I'd let them know exactly what I think about it. I'm never one to keep my mouth shut when I don't like what someone says. lol