Stressed about her going out...

[Cucaratcha]

Hi there !

I need some feminine advices/testimony.

First of all, my girlfriend doest go out that much... by going out I mean friday or saturdays night in a club... Since we are together she has never gone to one of them (without me), well she hasn't really had the time

I trust her a lot, but I know I would be really stressed if one day she tells me "tomorrow im going to party with some friends"... I know how the majority of the guys are in those parties... they are just there to "hunt the female"... That makes me mad, I hate those guys who are just thinking about their little piece of meat downstairs... I know I would be stressed/scared/annoyed... She's a strong temper, so I'm quite sure nothing could happen, but I never know, maybe if we put the distance, the excitement of the night, a bit of alcohol (though she's never got drunk, and I've never seen her drinking more than 1 glass in a night) in the basket, she could make a mistake... we are all human

I won't tell her anything, because then she might think I dont trust her...

I know it seems ridiculous, but I'm someone really worried (too much) with that kind of things... I'm trying to work on it, but I need much more time.

What do you think ?

[Dziubka]

I know it's hard but I think you need to find a way to deal with it. Talk to her about your fears. Don't tell her that you don't want her to go out. Maybe try to make clear that you feel that it's you who has the problem and if she could somehow help you with it. She could text you when she's out or write you right when she gets home.
Obviously I have no idea what it's like im Colombia, but she goes out with friends right? She doesn't get very drunk and (I guess) she doesn't go to any shady places? Surely she can dance and enjoy herself without having some monkey jump at her?!
I go out all the time and get to know new people, so it happens that guys give me their numbers or ask for a date or whatevs, but so what? I tell them that I feel flattered but that I have a boyfriend that I'm very much in love with and that that's not going to change anytime soon. I mean if we were living together I'd still (sometimes) go out on my own and it'd be the same...

This is the one thing me and my boyfriend are pretty adamant about. I'd be majorly pissed if you told me not to go out with my friends and I want him to go out. If he stopped all of a sudden I would totally feel cheated (Like: I got to know him as a sociable person with tons of friends etc and then he'd turn into a stay at home that studies or plays computer games all day?! No, thanks.). It's also so so so important to keep in contact with your friends, go out and have a good time, even without your SO, if you're in a ldr. If you hole up in your room, all packed up in self pity and only think about how much you miss your SO, none of you is gonna be happy.
In fact, my boyfriend's best friend is in a ldr (800km) as well and since he started dating his gf he has basically stopped going out because she doesn't want him to and aparently caused a scene the few times he tried to go somewhere. Needless to say that in their group of friends the girl isn't exactly popular. I too wouldn't like it if I felt someone was taking my friend away from me and making him sit at home on weekends...

[Cucaratcha]

Thanks for your comment !
Definitely it's my problem, I know it. When she goes out, yes, it's with her friends and she's really not the kind of person to get drunk... I've met her best friend and he told me he has never seen her drunk, I'm not worried about that... and she doesnt like to dance ahah... she more goes there to be with her friends. But I don't know, I'm still stressed, even if there's no point. Jealousy and possesivity are my 2 bad defects... fortunately Im aware and I can usually keep it for myself, because I know it's usually a matter of bad interpretation...

A girl from my class has asked me twice if I wanted to come with her and another friend to a club, but I said "no I have a familial diner" because I didnt want to stress my SO, and I'm quite sure she would have been stressed as well, as Im not really used to go out in the night... I like family stuff and staying quiet at home... I really dont want to tell her "dont go out"... first because I dont have the right to do so, and second because it would kill our relationship... The idea of texting isnt bad, though I have 6 hours more than her... but usually on the weekend I stay until the morning to speak with her and sleep during the day

Anyway, thanks again for your opinion

[Dziubka]

It might be different because we both like going out and it's an important part of our social lives. If my boyfriend would so much as try to tell me that I should stay at home, he wouldn't be my boyfriend much longer. Luckily, he really doesn't have a problem with that. I always tell him who went with and who I met and everything.
Most of the time I'll also text my boyfriend when I'm out and I always text him when I get back home and so does he.

Like I said... there are guys at the parties. One of my friends keeps telling me that he wants to marry me (I suggested him to get a German wife cause aparently he had some visa issues - he's Japanese) and my boyfriend knows about it, but he trusts me. And the fact that he trusts me unconditionally and isn't worried for even one second, in return makes me trust him.

Even if it is hard...Think about it: if she didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't. You're living half the world away and she's still with you, because she loves you. There's not a single reason you shouldn't trust her.

[Cucaratcha]

You are right... I talked about that with my mother, and she told me "You received the same defect as me, we sometimes misinterpret the situations" and I know, even if I trust her a lot, I will be makinh movies in my head everytime she will be partying, and then when she'll be back and will speak to me, it will be obvious everything went alright and I will just be like "ohhh gosh, why did I stress, I'm stupid" until she goes out again...
I'm trying to find a way to control this feeling, because I'm the one who's wrong, but it's hard...

Thanks again for your useful words !

[lucybelle]

Well I'm a little too ADD to read through all the posts, but I did read your original one... you have got to LET GO a little. I think it's extremely unhealthy to not only worry about her going out, but not go out yourself. I mean I think it's almost ridiculous to ask your SO to put their social life on hold while you aren't around. I go out, I hang out with friends, I go to dinners, I go to bars, I go to parties... my SO does the same. I understand you think you're worrying on her behalf, but she's a strong independent woman who can take care of herself. I mean she did before she met you, and she can continue doing so while with you. And the same for you.

Don't put away your life while you're not with your SO!!!

[London-FortCollins]

Its ok to worry, its only human. As long as you try not to let it affect you too much.

You've already said you wouldnt tell her not to go - and thats a good thing! It shows although you get jealous (natural human emotion) your not actual possesive in the very negative aspect of the word.

Talk it through with her. Maybe phrase it lightly "I know I'm probably being silly, but I wanted to tell you I am worried about you going out." Remind her that you do trust her, but you just wanted to share how your feeling with her. Then maybe ask if she wouldnt mind texting you, and that you'll text her back - to let her know your thinking of her.

She may say something like "Its girls night, we wont really be on our phones" or she may not have good reception where shes going. If this is the case dont let it add to your worries. Many groups of girls when out for the night "put the phones on hold" so they can enjoy each others company and catch up. (However with my girls even when we say that they let me off because I'm LD!)

And on the night when shes out try and do something else to distract yourself and not think about it.

When she gets home, you'll realise you had nothing to worry about and will find it much easier next time I'm sure.

[Tabitha]

My SO is the same way. He tends to worry a little too much every time I go out with friends. It's gotten better over time though, because he's met all of my friends, and he knows that they wouldn't allow me to put myself in a bad situation no matter how much I drink. He's not much on going out himself, but he trusts me enough to know that I'm not going to do anything to hurt him.

You just have to let her live her life. Being able to socialize with friends plays a big part in keeping LDR's healthy. You can't just sit around and do nothing all the time. It has a tendency to put a strain on even the most secure LDR.

[Silviar]

I wouldn't worry so much. There are lots of people not there to hunt the female, and there's no indication she'd be anywhere near the guys doing it. You trust her, yes? Then trust her to turn people down like she probably has before, and will after.

[Rugger]

If you trust her as much as you say you do, You know in your heart that nothing will happen. When My boy and I first became long distance, I was worried like you, that something would happen while he was out and drunk. My fears couldn't have been sillier, he spends the entire time texting me, until I make him stop and enjoy his friends. I'm the first person he's ever loved, I know he's not going anywhere. I would talk to her if I were you, have her text you or let you know what's going on. She loves you, She should want to make you feel at ease.

My boy knows that I'm okay going out, because if any guy touches me while I'm dancing, I give him a warning to back off. If he tried it a second time, He gets my fist in his face.

[Lunar Snow]

Okay, I have to get one slightly inappropriate comment out of the way first...and that is that I appreciate a guy coming out and talking about being worried about these sorts of things. Of course, anyone can get jealous, but it seems like lately I haven't really heard from any guys on this much and that many I know have this attitude which sometimes seems excessively cavalier to me (being a person that has jealousy issues or insecurities). I don't want to revel in you feeling this way (because, really, worrying can really make things worse for you), I just wanted to note that it helped me to know that there is a definite man (for me to see an example of) out there who feels this way sometimes and can own up to it.

Now, I haven't read the other posts (just your original), but I hope I can contribute, too. Regarding drinking and being "human" and such, if it seems like your girlfriend is not the type to party much or drink much, I doubt anything but a very impactual event would make her take a radical turn to party animal. Even before I was old enough to party like that, I was already so over it. When the time came, yes, I did go out clubbing sometimes, but I usually only had a bit to drink (I'm a light-weight) and mostly enjoyed the dancing. When I was single, yeah, it was kind of fun or funny if a guy hit on me or something (but wouldn't consider anything physically intimate or dating-wise with smarmy club guys), but if I was taken, I would probably make fun of all the smarmy guys and have a blast dancing with my group of friends. Plus, seriously, I would consider myself and my group of friends quite good-looking people and I found sometimes that we wouldn't get hit on so much, because we were in a big group and weren't dressed like we shopped at the dollar stripper store. I do admit that when I was on the outs with my first serious relationship, I did go to the club (again, only occasionally--I had other things I found much more amusing) and be a bit flirty and act single, but nothing happened beyond that (and I only acted that way because I felt so emotionally neglected in my current relationship, but didn't have enough experience to realize I needed to break it off--if your relationship is happy and healthy, then behaviours like this are really unlikely).

It may happen that, one day, she has some super post-exam stress or something and wants to blow it off with some friends at the dance club and that's okay. It's not a crime for you to worry about that a bit and believe me, I totally get where you are coming from feeling that way, but it seems as though she would be really trustworthy in a situation like that and could also benefit from something like that to have fun. I do kind of feel the same way if my SO goes to his local haunt bars and such, but he mostly just goes there and has a drink and reads the paper or something, plus he seems to be doing that sort of thing less and if he does go out, he usually surprises me with a text or a call. Let her surprise you, too--sometimes, I find that if I let needlessly (obviously, some scenarios are justifiably worrisome and need to be talked out) worrisome scenarios happen without much comment, then I am pleasantly proven wrong and more positive feelings than worries are reinforced. I'm not sure that I described that last bit very well and it is still taking me time to feel...I guess that I can let go of the worry sometimes. I had a similar worry once and my sister said to me that it was okay to feel that way and worry about it for 15 minutes or an hour or whatever and then let it go and do something I enjoy or that would be productive. That's really hard to do sometimes, but it does help.

Ahhh...sorry if none of this makes sense--I'm feeling kind of yucky, so my wording isn't coming out the best.

Edit: Just a little addition after reading some of the other responses--I think that if there is a specific situation that worries you or that this worry continues to be pervasive, then you should talk to her. Yes, I agree with some that it isn't okay to tell someone not to do something like that. However (and that's a big "however"), you have every right to say how a situation or behaviour makes you feel and leave an opening to work something out with your SO, together, that would help you both feel happiest in a given situation. Yes, it's important to have a social life outside of our SOs, but we also owe ourselves and our partners the true respect of being able to share and discuss our feelings openly and with the view that we aim to support the well-being of the individual person as well as the well-being of the couple.

[Cucaratcha]

Wow ! Thank you guys !

[sabby64]

If I was that worried I would ask for a compromise, for example, instead of texting all night, maybe you could ask her to call you and talk on her way home so you can make sure she gets home safe I did that with Brandon, and it made both of us feel alot better.

[JMAR89]

dude, i know the feeling! and i hate it sooo much!!
in my heart i know that i trust my lady more than anything, and that she loves me an would never do anything to hurt me.

but whenever she goes out and parties i get sooo worried and stressed out for some reason!!
i keep gettin attacked with random thoughts of worst case scenarios. it's like freakin poison to my mind..
but at the end of the night when she calls me to say goodnight, all of the stress that was building seems to go away.

all i can really do is try my best to distract myself and try not to let myself worry.