LDR falling apart..

[bgoodell12]

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. Ever since Derick got back from Basic Training (Georgia) we've been fighting constantly. I don't feel close to him at all anymore. I feel like this relationship is just not important to him. I'm moving out there to be with him, and transfer schools in May. I know it's only 3 months, but at the rate things are going it might not even make it that far. My biggest fear is to move away 13 hours from everything I know if Derick isn't fully committed to me, and ready for this move. He says that he is, but it feels like we're so distant (emotionally) from eachother.

We never talk anymore, we never webcam. I flew out there for Valentines day, and it was a disaster. We fought, and he didn't even do ANYTHING special for me at all. I'm getting sick of feeling like I have to nag him to want to talk to me. He says that he's just so busy, and that he keeps himself busy so that he doesn't miss me as much, and so that he doesn't get depressed that I'm not around.

So then I got to thinking, maybe I should get more involved in activities, and keep myself busy so that I don't miss him as much. But is that me being stubborn, because he doesn't talk to me? The reason I'm upset is because I don't feel important to him, and I don't think that not talking to him will help the situation.

Idk what to do...

[Roberta]

I think you definitely need to think things through before you move to be with him. =/ You should tell him what you're feeling, and try to make sure it doesn't evolve into an argument. Don't say things like "You never do this..." or "Why can't you just...". Just tell him what you're going through. You may even want to tell him this in a letter/e-mail instead of over the phone. Getting involved in activities will help with missing him, but it won't solve any problems. Good luck with this, and I hope that talking to him helps.

[Mio]

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. I have heard that sometimes when they go thru training and deployment their behavior changes a little. You should talk to him, and tell him how you feel about your relationship and his participation on the relationship. Always remember, don't accuse, but declare how you feel. Best wishes!

[Tanja]

Yeah definitely have a LONG and serious talk about your relationship before you make the big move!

[Andy]

Awwwww I'm so sorry to hear about this, the timing is just awful

You certainly need to have a long serious talk about things. Explain everything you posted to him, how you feel he's behaving towards you, ask him anything you wanna ask, and don't hold back, I think you have to be as blunt as you need to be considering how advanced you are with your plans. Good luck, I hope things work out.

[Taija]

You're very right about not moving together before you've worked out your problems. It's easy to feel like the move is gonna solve everything and then end up even more miserable.

I think you should try writing him an e-mail so you can take your time purring your thoughts in order and really let out your feelings about the situation without it turning into a fight. Try not to blame him of anything, just tell him how you're feeling, and then ask him to write a similar honest e-mail back to you.

[ErinKristine]

When did your SO get back from basic? Has he gone through AIT or whatever the equivalent is for his branch (I'm familiar with Army things). Many people go through a lot of changes during basic, it's a challenging time both physically and mentally and when they come back home for a time it's a period of adjustment.
You really do need to think a lot about moving closer to him if this change in his behavior has been going on for a while.
Feel free to pm me, my SO is in the Army so I could try to give you some insight into military related things.

[arizonamyrie]

Sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you at this point in the relationship. Every person's relationship is different, so we can only really be here to listen to you, and offer some advice from all of our own perspectives. I agree that talking with him is the best - but remember that basic does change a person. I have several friends who have been in the service, including my fiance, and several friends who are former/current wives of men in the service. Each person was different. But one of them gave some really good advice one day about basic and everything that happens: the person is still there deep underneath, but to survive everything, they have to develop this thick skin. Without that skin they will not survive fighting, being at war, being away, etc.... So, even if it hurts us at times, because it is there, it keeps us from getting hurt when they can't survive. It is hard for us, but from what I've heard about basic and serving our country, that's even harder. I do think talking together will help a lot, but I also think finding out about what basic was like will help at least open the line of communication to find out more of what is going on for him. Often times my fiance, even several years out of the service, will still act like this and it's just a matter of gently poking to find out what is wrong. Good luck, and we're here no matter what happens.

[asianbarbie0917]

I'm currently undergoing the same thing with my SO. He jsut got back from AF basic and now he seems as if he doesnt want to plan towards our future, and he's beyound skeptical of how we'd work out. Its very painful on my part but I've gotten alot of advice on this site that have quelled my worries. You have to remember that they're entering a brand new stage in their lives and they have to decided what parts of them go and which will stay. All you can try to do is to talk to him about your thoughts. just be completely honest and try to figure out if he still has the same emotions he had for you before basic (even if they are deep inside) at least if you know than you wont be questioning it as much. And this way you at least know that its there to be rediscovered again