Re-LDR

[Rugger]

I know this is stupid to post about, but I really need to get it off my chest to someone that understands.

My boyfriend has been living with my family for a month, looking for jobs all the while. He's had 6 interviews thus far, 3 of which resulted in free lance work, which he hasn't been called for at all. He's worked 2 days in the past month. He's miserable here, and I've tried everything I can to allievate his stress, but nothing has worked (I've made posts about it in the past)

He's going home for the holidays tomorrow, and I don't think he's going to come back. After being in an LDR for more than half of our relationship, him moving here was a godsend. He wanted to move here so badly. Now it looks like I'm going to be stuck in an LDR again, and this time it will be worse, since most likely we will land permanent(ish) full time jobs. It makes me worried because the job I have now, I can just take off whenever I want. If I get a real job, I can't do that, which means no time to drive and see him.

I feel like udder crap. I'm doubting myself and our relationship. I don't know if I can do it again. Help guys

[Zephii]

Talk to him and ask him not to give up... ask him to come back after christmas. All you can do is work together and sometimes that sucks, takes a lot of time and is nothing but hard work. It's hard, and moving home is often tempting, but you've come this far right?
I'm sorry to hear about this I don't often have much to say, but I always read your posts. The last few months have been so unkind to you.

[Mizpah]

Talk to him. He needs to know your feelings and fears, and you won't feel any better until he does. Ask him not to give up, and to come back after the holidays.
I know how frustrating it can be...I was in your boyfriend's place for nine months, and it took me six months to find even a part time job and the stresses of living with his family didn't make that any easier. Being with my love, and being dedicated to him, did. Perhaps his visit him will be a much-needed breather for him from the stress of the job hunt, and not the end you fear it will be. In any case, I wish you the best

[Karringtyn]

You sound so sad. I am so sorry things seem so hopeless. Fight for your love..talk about it..there has to be some way to make this all work...I am thinking of you...

[Caitlin2009]

have you talked to him about your fears? if not before he leaves you should, clear the air a little bit and see whats going to happen

[Sano]

Did he say he wasn't coming back? He's probably just taking advantage of the break to stop worrying about looking for a job. Im sure if he's dedicated to making your relationship work he'll come back. Have you ever thought about going to live with him?

[Silviar]

You've gotta talk to him and see how you want to handle this problem together, as a team. That's what you are.

[Bluestars]

I have actually been through almost the exact same situation that you just described. My boyfriend moved here thinking he would find a job the first day he started looking, but he still couldn't find one after two months. It was pretty obvious that he was depressed, and he ended up gaining a good bit of weight because of it. Not only that, but we fought a whole bunch because he became negative and down about everything and I am all about trying as hard as you can and never giving up. After a month and a half, my boyfriend made a trip back to his home (which I am sure changed his perspective on things). When he came back, he got an interview for a job, but he got really upset when they turned him down. He said that he would try staying for one more month to see if he could find a job, but I told him just to go ahead and leave now because it was obvious to me that he didn't want to be here and I didn't think he would actually try hard enough to find a job (he trying his best, but he really wasn't trying all that hard imo to find a job because you can't give up when people reject you). I told him I would rather be happy and far apart than miserable and together, which is true.

So in the end, my boyfriend moved back and said he would try moving back in a year or two. Well, it has already been a year and there is no discussion of closing the distance anytime soon. He now says that he has to figure out his life, and I have no idea how long that will take. The first three months of the transition back to LDR were hell and we almost didn't make it, I am not going to lie. We fought a lot, and it was a very big adjustment going through so much change in so little time, but we tried very hard to make it work and we are still together. Looking back, I think that my boyfriend still needed to make the move because he had to accept a lot more responsibility when he got back (luckily his old job took him back). Right now, we are trying to focus on the present instead of forcing closing the distance again. If it is meant to happen it will. We now have a better idea of what to do when closing the distance, and I think if we attempt it again it will go a lot better. It is obvious to me that my boyfriend is not ready to close the distance anytime soon now, but I know that eventually he wants to close the distance, so that is enough for now. I have not graduated college yet, so I really do not have a need to rush it yet.

I really hope that your boyfriend chooses to stay, but I know from experience that it doesn't always work out that way. One person once remarked after it happened that I should have been heart-broken, but that is ridiculous. You do what you have to and accept it. I completely agree with Silviar that you two need to talk about this as a team. If you two decide that you want to go back to LDR, it will be hard, but it can still work if you guys communicate with one another.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Best of wishes!

[Rugger]

Thanks for the pep-talk guys. I talked to him last night and He goes "Of course I'm coming back", which made me happy. I just told him that I want him to be happy and I know he's not. I guess If he ends up moving back, I'll just go with it. I'm not going to lose him over something like distance.

Sano, Yeah We've talked about me going to live up there as well. I've been looking for jobs where he lives as well as where I am. If I get a job up there, then I will take it so it would be easier ( The cost of living is sooo much cheaper) The only problem is that there are NO jobs in his field up there, so It would kind of defeat the purpose if I got a job up there and he got one down here.

[Sano]

^.^ atleast you know he's coming back now

[Richard Marks]

well Glad he is coming back to you

However if I may make a suggestion: Niether of you should be too proud to take any job that comes along, there are always places hiring and even if it is not what you want it is a start.

For example, When I lived in England I was an Aircraft Maintenance engineer for the Royal Air Force. I did that Job for 9 years, Then I moved to East Texas and found there were no Jobs available in my field. Now I could have quit and gone home, but I did not. Instead I started looking for a Job, any Job.

Well to cut a long story short, I had two Job interviews in the same week. One was for wal-mart as a cashier, the other was working for a Prison as a Guard. Neither was what I really wanted, but I took the Prison Job anyway. That was 2 years ago, and today I have a Job interview working for a small local airline company.

I consider this Job interview my reward for being willing to take anything that comes along and to be patient until a job in my field opened up .

[Mizpah]

However if I may make a suggestion: Niether of you should be too proud to take any job that comes along, there are always places hiring and even if it is not what you want it is a start.

This. Three months before I met my now-husband, I got my dream job. My college sucked (every time I was 'ready' to graduate they found another credit I needed), but my professors loved me. On a whim I had taken a Social Work class, and she saw that I had what it took, so so gave me a recommendation when I applied for a position at a childrens' shelter--my DREAM job since I have worked with troubled youth in the past. I got the job, and loved it so much that I would often forget about payday completely, and I am not rich by any means. Then I met the love of of my life, and three and a half months later I chose to risk NC to be with him, and also to get away from the resurfacing abuse from my parents. We had planned to end the distance that summer anyway, so I wasn't completely blind. It took 6 long months to find a job, and when I did it was as a coffee shop barista. My drama-oriented co-workers made it a challenge, but the job itself was fun and the owner recently added me on FB since I left on such good terms when we moved back to my hometown, that didn't work out too well, but I have been working as a cashier. As long as I am with my husband, I am happy. We are planning to move this week for an amazing opportunity that my husband has in his home state, and there should be plenty more opportunities in the field I left behind for me as well. Also, I could finish my education at a college that doesn't suck so much I know what you mean about feeling like you have a "reward" for a sacrifice.

[fromWAtoMI]

Aw man rough situation! This stupid economy is messing with all of us...relocating becomes sooo much harder than it was before! Good luck and stay strong!!