Long distances becoming even more farther.

[COgrl789]

So my bf of a year and half and we have been in a LDR for over a year is now going to New Zealand for a contract job of 9 months or more. I asked him when he comes back then what are we going to do. All he could answer is that he didn't know, that he could be going anywhere and where the jobs are at. I understood and suggested maybe me moving but he was hesitant and said that it would not be fair for me to move around a lot. It just seems like all the facts are pointing to this relationship ending. He even agreed on that point and said he comes to the choices of either take the risk or go where the money is. And that's a really hard choice for him. He says he "thinks" he wants to be with me but he's not sure until he gets things settle.

Anyway, I'm just wondering what will be the best way to keep in contact for a relationship that is across the ocean? Any suggestions on how we could keep things going?

[pytsip]

Your situation is very similar to mine, my boyfriend is currently in China, me in the US, and his contract for work goes through until August and even after that he's not sure if he's going to have made enough money to come home. You have weigh the pros and cons, both of you. And you have to asses whether its worth waiting 2,3, or even 5 years to be with each other or if you both want to go your separate ways. My boyfriend and I both did this, and we both decided that regardless of how long he is in China, that when he comes home, we want to be together. From there it's just keeping in contact with each other. Andrew and I talk every morning and every night almost. We send each other emails and we write on each other's facebook walls. He has a cell phone over there, but I don't call it and he doesn't call me from it because it's just too expensive, especially when skype is free and we can see each other's faces. We talk about what we're going to do when we see each other again and we talk about what our future is going to be like together. It all goes back to the fact that what both of us want is to be together when he moves home again. Luckily for your relationship, the avenues to communicate are more widely open than they are for us since China is very strict on communication in and out of the country.

[Rach321]

My boyfriend and I have been in a similar situation. We were a 5 hour drive apart, but then he took a contract job in the middle east for 12 months. At first, I was really unhappy with the decision and felt like it was a sign that he wasn't as committed to the relationship as me. But we talked it over and I realized that he was actually taking the job because he saw it as a way for us to have a better life in the future. We don't currently have a precise plan to close the distance, but our relationship is strong.

I'm not sure what advice to give. It's not going to be an easy transition, and you'll both need to be committed to making the relationship work. Maintaining communication has been the most important thing for me. My SO's in a war zone, so communication can be limited at times, but he's made the best effort he can to stay in touch. I think you'll need to continue talking about it with your boyfriend, and if he's not willing to put in the same effort as you, then the relationship might not work.

You don't need to make any decisions now. It might be better to see how things play out once he's actually there and settled. Tell him what you need, and if you feel unhappy, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

This site will give you many ideas for ways to keep the relationship going. There are so many people in similar situations!

[Silviar]

I understand how you feel - my SO and I are transpacific, and we can't close the distance until we've got our money situation settled. I think you need to have a frank talk with him about both of yours expectations and see if they're on the same page. Are you willing to relocate and he be the primary breadwinner while you pick up jobs? Is he ok with that? Are neither of you happy with that? Money isn't everything in life - it should help you afford what you want in life, and if you want each other, then you need to decide what works for you together as a team.

Life is rarely fair, and there has to be an understanding of the sacrifices with most LDR's - like one or both may need to move away from their family/friends/comfort zone, alter career goals, give up a favored apartment/house. Some things are so important they can't be negotiated. The rest are fair game. It sounds like you both need to decide on what the hard and soft rules for closing the distance are.

[COgrl789]

I am dif willing to wait it for him like some of you. But you SO were willing to say that they do want to make this work. My bf just keeps telling me that he does not know what he wants. But he likes having me around, as if he is saying "I like you but I want to keep my options opened." Its difficult, cause he doesn't seem to want to make any compromises...

[Silviar]

Well then, if he doesn't want to settle down, I think you have your answer right there, then, hun. Only you can decide what you want to do from there.