It hit me.

[Yei&Jon]

Apologies in advance for the wall of text...

So these last couple of days I've been talking with Jon about the whole "When do you think we can close the distance?" subject and the first day I mentioned it he dropped the "I was planning you moving here on March of 2011" bomb. So, naturally, it surprised me because I always thought it was going to take around another year to close it. So, I told him there was no way that was going to happen so soon mostly because I'm not ready and neither is my mom, especially in the "funk" my mom's has been.

You see, about a month ago we had a loss in my family. It was my aunt (mom's sister) and they were practically best friends. They hung out together for almost everything and it has taken a huge toll on my mom because she also has had to take care of my aunt's kids (14 and 12 years old) because their dad is barely in the picture AND also had to take care of her mom (my grandma) in this small apartment we live in. So the thought of me leaving any sooner that she thought is not so pleasing to hear on her part. I'm the only one left living at home, my brother got married and my sister is also living with her husband-ish? (they live together and have a little girl but they're not married). Granted, they live in the island. But, me being the 'baby' of the three and moving away from home to go live in Texas, well, those of you that are the youngest of your siblings might know what I'm getting at. >.<

But anyway, got carried away there. >.> The point is that my mom needs me even if it's for emotional support. So, when I tried to explain this to Jon, he got slightly angry about it and I plead him to understand that it's not going to happen in March even though I may want to. He still has to come here and meet my family anyway before we set a date. He says that will happen in January or February. I also talked with a friend of mine and she told me she thought that summer might be a good in-between. I agreed with her but I still have to bring it up to both Jon and my parents and see if they can compromise because I don't want them to think I'm choosing one over the other, that wouldn't be fair to me or them.

(Oh and before any of you might misunderstand when I said Jon got angry about it, I'd like to clarify that he's not the kind of controlling/manipulative person that wants me to do as he pleases. He is a very understanding and supportive person regardless of his age.)

Something Jon told me in a conversation we had earlier that made me say "You're right..." was;

"Hon, it doesn't matter wether you leave tomorrow or 10 years from now, it will still hurt. But, guess what? If it was me, I would jump on it." -- I laughed at this and told him that he'd never really know because he's not the one that has to make the decision, to which he replied; "Why would I jump on it? Because I'm not really leaving my family. Regardless where I am, they will always be my family. I will always be talking with them and visiting them every once in a while."

So it pretty much made me think of that famous phrase we all use here; It's not a goodbye, it's a 'see you later'.

Anyway, the point of this thread was that it just hit me... We might actually be closing the distance this coming year and I'm already nervous about it even thought the date is not yet set.

What do you guys think of the situation? Does he have a point? Do I have a point? What would you do?

[Silviar]

I understand how you feel. I'm closing the distance sometime in 2011, but it's totally dependent on how soon I can save up what I need for my visa (my visa requires I have $5k minimum in the bank), and also because we want to permanently close the distance, we decided he has to have a job. But, aside from that, we know we're going to achieve those this year - as early as March, so it's started hitting me that I'll really be away from my family. Before it was a concept - soon it'll be concrete. The upcoming separation will be hard because I'm trading one LDR for another.

And I think that's why it's so hard for you - it's concrete.

It's great that you're supporting your family, but there comes a time where you have to decide it's ok to support each other from far away. Loss of family, and gaining of new members, is part of the cycle of life. Life is going to keep happening, and only you can decide if it's ok to move on. I wouldn't let your family OR your boyfriend force you in either direction.

I also saw you mentioned he hadn't met your family yet - I really think you should both be focusing on that before deciding on a date. It's only fair that you both know what you're getting into.

[Yei&Jon]

Thanks, Silviar.

And yes, the main focus right now is for him to meet my family. Like I mention in the post, I'm not going anywhere until he comes here and meets them. It might make it easier for my family to get used to the transition when they know the person I'll be living with. And as sad as it may seem to leave, I really want to get my life started, with Jon.

Also, good luck on your side. It's very true what you say; "Trading one LDR for another."

[Richard Marks]

Leaving home is always hard. Leaving home to go some distance away is also hard, you do not know what to expect. Leaving home when there is as much emotional turmoil as there is in your house, is even harder still.

OK now I can also understand why he would be a little upset with your choice, it sounds as if he has had some plans for you moving up to be with him for a little while, after all he had a tentative date set (March), and you almost casually blew that idea out of the water. Admittedly for good reasons, but still it would have hurt him some. I suspect that now he has had a little time to think he will be a little more understanding.

I think that once he has met your family, then a compromise will work out just fine. Plus a little more time than 3 months or so will give you more time to get things ready (such as a job, and to say your goodbyes, and prepare mentally for what is to come).

Finally, when I moved from the UK to be with my SO, I exchanged one home for another.

[Yei&Jon]

Thanks, Richard.

I can see what you mean by him feeling hurt when I said no to the idea of March. He explained why he wanted that date and it's because that's supposedly the best time to find jobs in Texas. I understand what he means but, again, I was very surprised when I noticed that was barely 3 months away. I have yet to find, at least, a part-time job here to cover the expenses of moving and also if I don't get a job there fast, I'd need money to cover my own expenses until I get one. He says they'd help me (His parents and him) but I don't want to completely depend on them. They've done enough already.

[Richard Marks]

Yei, I can understand your point. It was the hardest 9 months of my life when I could not work due to green card issues. I would feel guilty about having to so totally rely on my wife and her family to support me. However saying that I was (and still am) glad of their support and financial assistance. They truly understood how hard it was for me, and for me though I hated having to be dependent on someone else. I preferred that to not being with my wife.

Now as to Jobs, I will say this: Never be too proud to accept a Job. There will always be Wal-Mart to fall back on as a temporary measure. Depending on what part of Texas you end up in, there is always TDCJ, they always need correctional officers (even females).

To me, the important part is not the financial situation, I can truly understand your desires to be self supporting. But the important part (to me) is to be with your SO and happy, rather than apart and not as happy.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the other repiles, but...

You need to look after yourself first. I've seen too many people wasting their lives waiting for the time to be right. Example one being my mum. She always wanted to move out of our small town. She lived there her whole life. But, she wouldn't leave while her mum was sick, then once her mum died, she couldn't leave her dad there alone. Then, when he died, she got cancer and wasn't well enough to go anywhere. My sister had the same dream - to get out of that small town. Once mum went into remission (well we thought she did) my sister made plans to leave that town. Mum made her promise to move to the city before she told my sister that she had cancer again and this time there was no hope - she didn't want my sister making the same mistakes she made.

With that said, a few more months staying with your mum is the right thing to do - but do put a limit on it. There will always be many good reasons not to leave. And yes, when you do leave the guilt will be horrible. Or, for me it is. Visiting is not at all similar, imo. But, the family you will have is more important than the family you come from. (Some famous guy said that, so it must be true right?)

Be kind to yourself.

[Yei&Jon]

Richard, you make a great point on the financial issue. I know they're very supportive, especially his mom; She's dying for me to move there, LOL. I'm getting convinced in that aspect. Oh, and he lives in Georgetown, TX in case that makes a difference.

The issue that remains would be family; Being latina, we're very close to our families and my parents don't want me to go so far but I'm still hoping it'll be easier once they've met him so, I'll be focusing more on him getting here before we lay down the final decision of the date.

[Yei&Jon]

Thank you, Zephii.

You also make a great point and yes, I'll put a limit to it. I'm hoping to move around the months from May to July -- For me that's a nice in-between but we'll see how well it goes after Jon's been here. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to go sooner.

[Richard Marks]

Well I hope he is going to meet your family soon. I am sure they will love him as much as you seem to .

As to Georgetown, that is a wonderful town (I crashed into the sheriffs office there, literally) and being just north of Austin, there are plenty of jobs to be had.

I will also say that no family, whether white, black or latino, likes to see their children move so far away. I know my parents struggled with it when I announced I was moving to the USA. It did hurt them and my sister, I know they wondered if they had raised me right and just what they had done to make me want to go so far away. All I did was tell them the truth, I followed my heart to my true love. In the end they accepted it and have supported me ever since. I just let them know I will always have an open door and a spare bed for when they want to visit.

I am sure that when your family meet your man, and realize that he just wants the best for you they will be happy and supportive of you as well

[Yei&Jon]

How in the world did you manage to to crash into the sheriff's office is beyond me. xD

But yeah, I went there last September and really liked where they live, and it's SUNNY! Just like here so that was a plus. :3 Everything is close (stores, movie theater, restaurants) which is another plus. I want him to come here already so he meets my family and they get rid of that image of me dating someone that's a ghost to them. >.<

[Richard Marks]

How in the world did you manage to to crash into the sheriff's office is beyond me. xD

Well as to that, I was actually inside the sheriffs office at the time..........

But yeah, I went there last September and really liked where they live, and it's SUNNY! Just like here so that was a plus. :3 Everything is close (stores, movie theater, restaurants) which is another plus. I want him to come here already so he meets my family and they get rid of that image of me dating someone that's a ghost to them. >.<

I can relate, it was hard until my parents met my SO, then after she left the first thing they said was (and I quote) "Did she like us?"