Everything is suddenly coming to a head after I got back from China. And I've been trying to deal with it myself by stuffing my personal priorities down to last(read: how badly I want to see my guy as my own Christmas gift), and putting everything else first.
1. Family issues: My mom has epilepsy, due to a work related injury. This is a very long story, but suffice to say there were recent developments before I left for China that made it worse. And then, even though I felt duty to cancel my China trip and be with her, I ended up having to go anyways. But when I got back, I could notice very clearly the definite changes from before the recent developments. And it makes me feel so fucking bad for thinking so much about my guy, when I should be thinking about the real things in life. Real life, as it were.
2. Law School: The main motivation I have for going to law school and becoming a lawyer is my mom and her situation. Along the way, I also developed interest in it. But that was the first and still major motivation. I've thrown LSAT studying quite out the window in China, first excuse was "adjusting the environment", then as I was falling for him, as an excuse to see him as much as humanly possible. Now I have to really pick it back up, since I have to take the test and do amazingly(if I go to less than top 20 law school, it was not worth the money) next year.
3. LDR: Notice how I've never referred to him as my SO in this. That's because we're not officially together, and I doubt that we ever will be. Both of us are quite similar in this aspect. Although heading down different parallel paths in life, we are very family oriented, dutiful children. And then we are career people-neither of us would want to marry earlier than about 27-30 or so. Given that we're already so different, I just see no way that we can ever be together, and he doesn't either. Thus, I'm stuck in the between of "I've already unwillingly given a piece of my heart to you, but we're not going to be getting together...or perhaps even seeing each other again". Neither of us have said as much to the other, because we're also really similar in the "I'll sacrifice my happiness for yours" aspect...
I just don't know what to do anymore...There are few people I can talk to about it too. I have my best friend, that's about it. Everyone else I can talk to will judge, or is part of the problem(read: the guy, the parents).
1. Family issues: My mom has epilepsy, due to a work related injury. This is a very long story, but suffice to say there were recent developments before I left for China that made it worse. And then, even though I felt duty to cancel my China trip and be with her, I ended up having to go anyways. But when I got back, I could notice very clearly the definite changes from before the recent developments. And it makes me feel so fucking bad for thinking so much about my guy, when I should be thinking about the real things in life. Real life, as it were.
2. Law School: The main motivation I have for going to law school and becoming a lawyer is my mom and her situation. Along the way, I also developed interest in it. But that was the first and still major motivation. I've thrown LSAT studying quite out the window in China, first excuse was "adjusting the environment", then as I was falling for him, as an excuse to see him as much as humanly possible. Now I have to really pick it back up, since I have to take the test and do amazingly(if I go to less than top 20 law school, it was not worth the money) next year.
3. LDR: Notice how I've never referred to him as my SO in this. That's because we're not officially together, and I doubt that we ever will be. Both of us are quite similar in this aspect. Although heading down different parallel paths in life, we are very family oriented, dutiful children. And then we are career people-neither of us would want to marry earlier than about 27-30 or so. Given that we're already so different, I just see no way that we can ever be together, and he doesn't either. Thus, I'm stuck in the between of "I've already unwillingly given a piece of my heart to you, but we're not going to be getting together...or perhaps even seeing each other again". Neither of us have said as much to the other, because we're also really similar in the "I'll sacrifice my happiness for yours" aspect...
I just don't know what to do anymore...There are few people I can talk to about it too. I have my best friend, that's about it. Everyone else I can talk to will judge, or is part of the problem(read: the guy, the parents).
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