He broke us up.

[AshleyH]

Roland and I had a fantastic start to our month long xmas break, and then when my family came in town, he went and spent time with his family. So when they were about to leave, I kept asking to spend time with him, and he kept saying he'd try, or maybe. So after a few days of not seeing me I called and was a bit upset and asked why he wouldn't come see me. He said he had been spending time with his family, but I know he hates coming home. He loves his college and friends, and can't stand coming home.

I knew there was something else going on, so I told him I wanted to come see him face to face because he was neglecting me. He said we should just talk on the phone, and I knew something serious was going on. So I went to his house anyway. We live just a few minutes apart, and I sat him down and we talked for 3 hours. He said he didn't want a relationship, and that he didn't like long distance because it was difficult. He said he wanted to be my friend desperately and I told him I loved him so I couldn't do it. I was really upset, and didn't stop to look into maybe what the real issue was. So I was heartbroken and miserable because it was a really sudden change. Just the day before he texted me and told me he loved me.

Roland had strong feelings for me, and we never fought, we had so much fun together, and he suddenly ended it. I was miserable, and felt I had something to ask him. I didn't know whether we stood a chance of getting back together when we closed the distance, but I needed some sort of closure since his reasons for ending it didn't make sense. I surprised him and had brought his stuff back, and wanted to ask him a bit more about what we were doing. He said he didn't want to go back and date anyone or see anyone at college, he just wanted to have time with his friends, and enjoy everything without worrying about a relationship.

I was still hurt and saw he was hurting as much as I was, i asked why he was so upset, and he said he felt like he was breaking his own heart. He didn't want to, but he felt we needed to move on. So I told him that was the deepest thing anyone has ever said to me, and he didn't have to. I said maybe we just needed a break to spend with just friends. And he wasn't sure what a break was, and I explained to him that it would be us just being single with friends, but we would see how our feelings for each other were once we didn't have each other. I'm not sure if I made the right decision, but I would probably do it all again.

We agreed I wouldn't go visit while this was going on unless we needed to talk. I miss him so much already and its only been a day. I told him he never has to face this kind of thing alone because we both have strong feelings for each other, and sometimes people just need a break and to have some time to worry about themselves. I understand that, and it made me feel so much better to know he just needed space and wasn't dropping me completely, even though he wanted to be friends. I'm not sure where we will end up, it could be months till we get together, we could never get together (i hope not), or it could be after college when we can close the distance much easier.

I want to know what others think? My family thinks I'm a sucker and just stringing along, but I feel like I want to go out and enjoy time with my friends too. And maybe time apart completely will make us realize we miss our relationship and each other. Roland and I love in different ways, and he feels like he needs to bottle everything up, and I just feel like if I can teach him to open up, then he could end up much happier someday. Thanks for reading guys.

[true_survivor_586]

are you long distance? if so then how do you not have time to spend with friends? im confused...

[Silviar]

While I don't think breaks solve problems, it's pretty clear from Roland's reaction that he can't handle the distance and he doesn't want to make a decision. I hope this helps you both realize what you want, and that it resolves things for you. *hugs*

[AshleyH]

We don't really have any problems with our relationship. Yeah, we're long distance. 10 hours away driving. He said he just didn't want a relationship to worry about and he would be studying and hanging with his friends without worrying about me. I told him he didn't need to worry but if he wants some time apart I am trying to respect that and let us take a break. I'm really hurting, and he said if we don't get back together he wants to be friends. But I don't think I can ever see him again if we aren't together because I love him. Its the crushing, never can lose you kind of love. He cried in my arms saying he couldn't live without me just weeks before this happened. And there was no warning. He was telling me he loved me the day before this happened. I'm confused and hurt, but I'm going to see how the break is for us. And this summer, our family homes are minutes away from each other so maybe he will feel refreshed after a semester single. I'm not sure what to do, but I don't want to give up. Not in the slightest.


Another thing I thought could happen, was we could go through college, date new people, try new things, and then after college we could close the distance and spend time together and see how we feel since we then would have the ability to be close and the time we spend together wouldn't fluctuate.

[agentholli]

I have no advice, just wanted to say im sorry and I hope it all works out for the best. Hang in there!

[Richard Marks]

An LDR is always a tough proposition. It requires so much time and effort that it can be very draining, both emotionally and mentally. Some people will reach the end of their tether and just decide to fold rather than go crazy with worry.

However a break like this can also be a good thing (yes trying to put a positive spin on this). It gives both parties a chance to step back, recharge the mental and emotional batteries, and can actually help in the long run by making both parties realize that the other is the very air they breath.

Be patient, be gentle, and when the dam breaks be prepared to catch. That is when he will need you to be at your strongest, and that is the point when he will realize that YOU.ARE.THE.ONE.

Good luck, God bless.

[true_survivor_586]

yeah i think the break is good for YOU, you need to figure out what is going on in that head of his, im just as confused as you are hun, i dont blame you one bit for not wanting to be just friends, thats way to hard, but i understand how u dont wanna not be friends, rather be friends then never have that person in ur life...i donno what to tell u, i would just pray about it

[AshleyH]

Thank you so much, I really hope I am the one. That makes me feel so much better. Even if we aren't romantically involved until years later, if it means I get him in the end, I'll be glad. I just hope I'm really the one for him, and that we can be happy and together again... Just a pain figuring out what to do until we figure that out...

[Sano]

Im not a big fan of breaks but then I think Im too demanding. For me, its either you want to be with me or you dont. Then I know if I go on break with someone I'm probably not going to want to be with them again

[Kalmyia]

Ashley,

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine which happened 6 weeks ago. I know that right now your emotions are very raw and you aren't sure what to do but my suggestion would be to take a short period of time (for me it was a month) to figure out what you really want, like honestly want with yourself and your life, and write it down. I used that period to write a series of short letters "to" my ex, which really just helped me figure all the stuff out. At the end of that time, I actually wrote a letter to my ex explaining how I feel and what I want and ended with my feelings about her and why I thought we should be together. This is just one course of action of many in front of you, I feel it is important to always take a day and sleep on any choices you are going to make with regards to your relationship. I hope things work out for you!

[Lostintime]

Ashley,

Sounds like a situation that he may or may not be telling you everything. If he is someone who bottles things up, then he obviously needs to learn to have a release. The problem with bottlers, and I am one in a way who has working on improving, so I can say this, is they tend to stay positive make sure everyone around them is happy, hold back their feelings and then BOOM let it all out. When this happens it can sometimes bring everything around them down including themselves.

The issue with your family thinking you are a sucker, ignore it, take their advice, place it in a virtual envelope and put it in your dresser. In other words, listen to what they have to say, but don't allow it to change your feelings for the person you love and want to be with forever.

Sometimes, relationships form, whether close distance or long distance and the couple do not place boundaries or rules in the beginning to keep issues like this from arising. He may think he is failing in the relationship or hurting you because he can't be there when he feels you need him most. He may also be insecure and think your messing about on him and he doesn't want to address his feelings with you since he is a bottler.

I respect the opinions of my peers here about taking a break but I have a different view of breaks. In a strictly close distance relationship its easy to take a week break or longer and the other person will start to long for the other partner and possibly come running back into their arms (the old if you love them and set them free and they come back they are yours). However, in a long distance relationship I feel this is not something that should be done for more then a day. Your only close tie is communication and to sever that can be damaging to the relationship. Sure you can let them go out and date other people and explore, but that was a rule that should have been talked about early on.

He can't have his exploration and you.........

If you love him, since he is the bottler, fight for him, go see him, talk to him even though he doesn't want to. Profess your feelings and then back off. At least then you know you tried everything, and if he still doesn't show a turn around then give him the space he wants, but at that point it seems you need to take some control and give him the break, but hold back and don't txt him, call him, or visit him. He should, start to severely miss you and eventually come back to you practically begging you for forgiveness. Again, I don't like breaks except under circumstances such as this where you need to set some rules.

I recommend this because relationships are dynamic. They are a balance, no different then an old fashioned scale. Both partners should love each other equally never less and never greater. The power of love should increase with time, but should always be equal.

Sometimes there are influences outside of the relationship that can effect things, family, friends, school, work etc. But you can't let them stand in the way of the one you want to be with.

Ashely, it appears you are the talker, and quite possibly a little stronger in the relationship, so do just that. Bring up the hard questions, ask him if he loves you? Ask him if he wants to spend his life with you? Ask him if he has an interest in someone else? Watch his expressions, watch his actions, see if he cries, these are all classic tells of his passion or lack of passion for you.

You may not like the results or you may love the results but in that instance your family is right don't be strung out. So my advice is step up and protect your feelings, fight for your man and in the end you will feel a lot better for it. It is obvious you love him a great deal. There is nothing wrong fighting for the one you love, even if it's themselves arguing about it. But once you find your answers back down or get closer. I can promise you either way, he will thank you for addressing these issues with him, because for some reason he can't.

Good luck and I know everything will work out for you.

All the Best,

Clint

[AshleyH]

Thanks so much for that response! I really appreciate everyones feedback...

I have done all of those things, and I am the talker, I did see him break down and cry in my arms. He said he felt like he was breaking his own heart, which I then explained wasn't necessary...

I told him if all he wanted was some space from the relationship, I'd respect that. He and I have crazy strong feelings for each other, and we are new to the long distance loving. I've never loved anyone except him, and he's never loved anyone but me. We've had emotional connections with others before, but we actually have fallen in love and know neither of us can live without the other...

I brought out his feelings, and told him he can always trust me, and that he should share his feelings with me, because he doesn't have to suffer alone. Ever. I know I'll always love him, and if he's not ready to settle down into a serious committed relationship, I understand. We're young, we have a lot ahead of us, we need to get through college before we can close the distance easily. It'll be very difficult if I were to transfer to him, cost wise.

We made an agreement, and a promise to each other about the upcoming semester. I promised I would try my hardest to be his friend and give him space, and he promised to talk to me about his feelings toward me, or where he felt our relationship was for him. I'm think I'm okay with taking a break, it'll give me a chance to get on my feet and focus more on school and the career I want.

I wrote him a letter yesterday, and dropped it by his house. I reiterated everything in our previous conversation, and told him we both have to keep our promises for us to even be friends at all. And I reminded him he never has to be alone, and that he is a person who deserves love, even if he thinks he doesnt. I told him I love him, and I always will, and that he should never forget it, and when he's ready for the commitment, I am here. I don't see it as stringing along since we haven't decided to start dating, I think if both of us stay single, and still acknowledge our feelings for each other, then we aren't stringing each other along. I hope I can have him back in my arms someday, whether it be soon, or years away. I always show up on his doorstep in New Orleans, I'm waiting for him to come to me when he's had his time to breathe and not worry about a relationship.

I feel if I keep up with how he's feeling, we can see each other at least once or twice next semester. I'd drive 10 hours just to have lunch with him. I don't want him to lose sight of his feelings for me, or try and fight them away. The only other person he had an emotional connection with wasn't long term, they had just met but they couldn't really stay together easily. And now I feel that since we've been together for almost 2 years, that he won't be able to fight it forever... I can only hope.

[Lostintime]

Ashley,

Sounds like you have it all figured out.

Good Job

Clint

[AshleyH]

Thanks a lot! I feel like I'm fighting the world about this. My parents calling me a sucker, my friends telling me I just need time and whatever happens, happens... Roland not sure what he wants. I feel Im the only damn one who knows what I want in life. Which is okay I guess, but I'm ready for everyone to catch up! Especially Roland! lol... Thanks for all the help though, I am crossing my fingers hoping he doesn't cut me off completely to just being friends...