Getting an ex back in LD...

[AshleyH]

I don't know if any of you read my last topic. About how Roland left me because he felt we were young and he didn't want any sort of relationship right now. But thats basically what happened. And then after talking to him, I told him we don't have to completly call it quits because we have so much fun as a couple, and when we can close the distance maybe thatll be best.

But anyway.

What I'm afraid of is him forcing himself to move on when I told him he doesn't have to. We still have strong feelings for each other, and I want him back so bad. Every piece of advice I've seen has been-

Limit contact, he'll miss you more since hes expecting you to call or text him. He'll come crawling back.

But I'm afraid he wont come back if I ignore him. I want to contact him, and I will die if I don't see him at all next semester, but I just don't know how to go about getting him back... Any suggestions?

[Kalmyia]

Ashley,

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to make your ex back into a relationship with you, especially a long distance one. Relationships only work when both parties chose to be in it together. Were it likely that you did succeed at "getting them back" it is possible that he could feel pressured to be there and come to resent you for it. Additionally if because you step back for a short period of time and he never talks to you again, do you really think that he loves you the way that you love him? I am not aware of the situation between you and I don't say that to hurt your feelings, but sometimes you need to look at your relationship from a logical point of view to be able to process and figure out what is best for you.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm going to have to agree with Kalmyia. You can't make anyone change their mind or their feelings. If he does not want a serious relationship, he won't be in one and to go along with a fling or anything just to have him is disrespecting yourself. Let the man decide what he wants and if he isn't sure, just tell him you'll be there for him regardless of his decision. Trying to get him back may only result in pity dating or complete shut down of contact.

I know it hurts that he left, but I think you need to let things go how they will and accept whatever fate brings to the table, even if it's this bad.

[AshleyH]

Im just hoping to limit contact with him, and I hope he misses me like I think he will. We close the distance during the summer because our homes are minutes apart, I'm thinking something could come up then. I do always want to be there for him, but I just feel like I'll never be able to let go of the love I have for him.

Even if it's years from now, I'd like to try again.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[lucybelle]

Ashley, it hurts now. But it won't hurt forever. You'll be okay, find new love, and move on.

[AshleyH]

I really don't want to move on... We were so happy, and everything was perfect before the distance....

[Kalmyia]

I really don't want to move on... We were so happy, and everything was perfect before the distance....

Don't focus on moving on right now. Take each day as a new opportunity to do something new or fun with friends, it is vitally important to surround yourself with a support network of people who care and will listen to you. The love you feel for your significant other doesn't have an off switch, don't try to force it out of your life as that will just make it harder on you. Also, something to keep in mind, just because you are broken up now does not mean that you won't ever work out or he won't regret his decision in the future. Have some faith in your relationship and trust HIM to do the right thing, as hard as it may be at this time. Wishing you all the best

[AshleyH]

Don't focus on moving on right now. Take each day as a new opportunity to do something new or fun with friends, it is vitally important to surround yourself with a support network of people who care and will listen to you. The love you feel for your significant other doesn't have an off switch, don't try to force it out of your life as that will just make it harder on you. Also, something to keep in mind, just because you are broken up now does not mean that you won't ever work out or he won't regret his decision in the future. Have some faith in your relationship and trust HIM to do the right thing, as hard as it may be at this time. Wishing you all the best

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that. I hope he will make the best decision, and not push away our love and try and bury it. I feel like he may try to do that.

[lucybelle]

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that. I hope he will make the best decision, and not push away our love and try and bury it. I feel like he may try to do that.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like "our love" anymore, it's more like just your love. We can all tell tales of when a SO broke our hearts, left us with questions, left us so sure everything was so right. You've got to be okay with yourself and being without your SO.

[AshleyH]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like "our love" anymore, it's more like just your love. We can all tell tales of when a SO broke our hearts, left us with questions, left us so sure everything was so right. You've got to be okay with yourself and being without your SO.

Thats true... It is so stupid how these things happen... I just can't help but want to be together...

[Rach321]

It is stupid, especially when you feel like your love is true. I've been there before, and I'm very sorry you're hurting. Take care of yourself. Know that the timing might not be right just now. If he's questioning the relationship, the only thing you can do is give him space to figure out what he needs. Like Lucybelle said, try to find a way to be happy with yourself. Your next relationship (or the one you have with Roland) will be stronger for it.

[Gelfling]

I would say take the time to focus on being/becoming the best you that you can be, for its own sake, while you're on this break. If you do that, and he is The One, he will naturally gravitate back to you. If he isn't The One, you'll be in a prime position to attract whoever it is that is The One. I spent most of my early and mid 20s tying myself into insecure knots, trying to be The One for someone who (in hindsight) really didn't deserve it. All my dreams revolved around him-- I lost all interest in going back to college after dropping out shortly before meeting him, I stopped visiting my family as often as I used to but saw his on a regular basis, and all financial decisions were basically his. At one point, enough of me surfaced that I started wondering if there was something wrong with me for not having any dreams of my own, and he suggested that not everyone needs independence(!). Now, a few years after leaving him, I'm finally back in college in my early 30s, doing well, have plans for myself that don't require anyone else, and someone whom I really think may be The One was just dropped in my lap a couple months ago. I'm developing dreams that involve him, but none of them override my educational dreams-- period. He knows that, he respects that, and that is why I'm willing to consider that he may be The One. I believe, too, that if I were willing to throw all my own dreams aside for him, he wouldn't respect me and wouldn't be interested in me.

Not to say that the first part of my story is what's going on with you and Roland, of course, but an illustration of what can happen if you lose track of your own dreams. If you're having fun on your own, trying new things, helping out the less fortunate as you're able, continually learning, and remain sensibly open to what life has to offer you, someone awesome will show up-- either Roland, or someone even better. The trick is to remember that the only person you control is you, and to make sure you take full advantage of that control in positive ways.

[Richard Marks]

I am actually going to deviate here from all of the other advice that people have given you.

Oddly enough you can still keep him in your life, though not as a boyfriend. Just as a friend. What I am about to suggest is probably the hardest thing in the world to do, but if you want his friendship then it does work. I know I had two failed LDR's before I met my wife, and I am good friends still with both.

You can still contact him, but it must be on a "friends only" basis. No mention of love, or of missing him deeply. Instead treat him as you would your best girlfriend (just modified slightly as he is a man......). Let him believe that you are OK with being friends (yes this will hurt), and let him know that you want him to be happy with his life. This will probably hurt A LOT, especially as it means having to place his happiness before your own in regards to your love relationship (but is that not part of love anyway?)

Now some simple rules if you are going to follow this path: Do Not try to make him jealous, it only causes so much more pain. Do Not become a bunny boiler/stalker and try to follow him everywhere online or in RL. Do Not try to split up any relationships he does form, this will just lead to resentment and hatred. Finally, be happy for him and with his friendship, because with friendship you are still a part of his life.

As long as you don't go all bunny boiler on him, you may just find yourself in a situation a few years down the line where you are once again dating.....maybe....

I will warn you once again, this pathway is emotionally and mentally hard. It is draining, and requires large amounts of self sacrifice. But in the end it *may* be worth it........