Friends with your ex

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

Hey ya'll =) Okay.... soooooo i wrote this email to my boyfriend, and i was wondering wat you opinion was:

I need to say something in regards to ending things with john.. like a goodbye txt, call or meeting. I need to do this if u don’t want me to hang w him or to end it now. But im considering going to ASU if I don’t get into UNCG bc I don’t want to stay at WCU nemore. I want to b closer to home… and at a nicer school. I like the campus at ASU and I’ll have a hard time declining when if I get in. =/ I could promise you tht I won’t hang out with john… and I understand why you would want me to. Im not sure if I should completely dump the idea of ever seeing him or tlking to him again… or if I should say it’s not an issue. I honestly don’t want who im dating or who I have dated to dictate where I go to school or if I can be friends w my ex’s. If I weren’t dating you now, I would prob go to ASU but be torn btwn ASU and UNCG bc UNCG is better for financial reasons, but ASU is better for the landscape…and maybe opportunities. I don’t know, but I think that I would feel better and happier going to ASU bc they have a very homely campus and a really cute downtown. There’s a lot to do up there… but idt I’ll be able to get a job. But it’s likely that I will hang out w john if im there. I would like to prove to you that I can stay loyal to you even if im on the same campus as john or seeing him every other week. But ik it’ll make you edgy. And I really don’t want to do tht to you. I also don’t want to lose the chance to be friends w him again… but at the same time, I may not even know if I want to be friends w him again. I may choose to never see him again but on a rare occasion. It’s a big campus. And you know that you can trust me =)

[Irishguy]

Ok I get that a guy has to be trusting and ofcourse he can dictate who you are friends with or not but....and this is just from my point of view here....if my gf sent me that message I would question why she is so unwilling to break ties with her ex or say she is not sure weather she wants to see him again enough to mention it what 4 times in the same message. I think its not what your saying its the way you are saying it. Phrases like " i would most likely hang with him" and "im not sure if i should completly dump the idea of talking to him again" would set pff red flags to me atleast. Maybe thats unfair just trying to give you a guys perspective on things here!

[Rach321]

It's a good email, but you may want to be more direct in what response you're looking for from him. In one sense, it seems you're asking him if it's alright if you see your ex, and on the other hand, it doesn't really seem to be something that he can have input in (such as when you say "I'll likely hang out with john if I'm there"). Either one is ok, but you should probably pick one option.- I tend to believe that autonomy is important in a relationship, so I don't believe we should ask our partners for permission to do anything. Instead, we talk in depth about major decisions that we make and we listen to the other person's feelings about it and try to come up with solutions that make both of us happy when we encounter conflict in what we want.

Perhaps instead of saying "ik it will make you edgy" you can ask him directly how he would feel if you saw/talked to john. Depending on how long you've been broken up/reasons for your breakup, I can see why he would be uncomfortable. On the other hand, there is no reason that you couldn't attend the same college as your ex and not really spend time together (except in cases where you're both hanging out with mutual friends). I keep in occasional touch with my exes, and I have seen them for coffee/lunch to catch up since we broke up if we happened to be in the same city. For me, honesty is the most important thing. If I talk to an ex, I always make a point to let my bf know so he doesn't feel I'm going behind his back. And he does the same for me. But we don't tend to feel jealous or uncomfortable about it. Hope some of this helps! Feel like I rambled a bit.

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

lol it's cool rachel... i sent it to him already... so there's no fixing what i said, but hes going to call me after he reads it, which is hopefully soon! lol i can deff see what ya'll are saying... the thing is, im torn btwn saying goodbye for good and being friends. The other night i tlked my ex for 2 hrs for the 1st time in over a year. I've really missed him and my bf knows that. we talked about it for about an hour. im okay with your idea of just meeting up every once in a while.. lol i actually like that better. john was my 1st love...and until i talked to him the other night, i was very angry with him. having tlked to him about it im now over than and i feel like i can progress in my relationship with drew... but idk if i should give up ever being friends w john or not! lol b4 talking to him the other night i would have been adamently against it. =P

[Irishguy]

Ok I totally understnad that working things out is ok just go a little easy on your bf if he isnt 100% thrilled with it because in my opinion atleast show me a guy who isnt even a little weirded out by his gf and her ex talking for 2 hours to work things out and I'll show you a guy whos lying.

[Rach321]

Oh ok! I read it as you were looking for feedback before you sent it. Hopefully what we wrote will be helpful when you talk to him about it.

As I hinted at in my previous post, I do think that exes can be friends. Especially if both are in committed, satisfying relationships and neither one is holding on to any hope of getting back together. I believe that when we really love someone and the relationship wasn't too toxic, that love doesn't go away. I don't think there is anything wrong with building a new type of relationship on that foundation. My parents recently divorced because they fought for years about the different things they wanted from life. Now that they aren't together anymore and are living their lives the way they've always wanted to, they have a great friendship. That said, it is important to be hesitant about getting too close too fast. An ex can be a good friend, but it's not very likely that they will be a very close friend. It's just too difficult to prevent the reformation of an attachment, at least on the part of one of the people. So, if your boyfriend is uncomfortable with you spending time with John, agreeing to only really spend time with him when you're with other people who know you're in a relationship with your now boyfriend and support that relationship and talking to your boyfriend about your friendship with John is a good way to avoid any unncessary feelings of jealousy.

But, like you said, you may not even want to be friends with John. It's so great that you were able to get some closure from that relationship. I'm sure it will help you to feel much stronger in the one you're in now!

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

go a little easy on your bf if he isnt 100% thrilled with it because in my opinion atleast show me a guy who isnt even a little weirded out by his gf and her ex talking for 2 hours to work things out and I'll show you a guy whos lying.

Lol ik that... we talked about, and i was very upfront with Drew. I am tired of being angry, and Drew was ready for me to get over John as well. And he called me earlier, and we talked about it. And he agrees, as i know he would, that he cant dictate what i do, and that he's not going to side one way or another. but ik hes uncomfortable with it. who wouldn't be? lol. i won't know if i really want to see or hang john until im at the school. i haven't seen him in almost a year. i may see him and b why the fuck did i ever date this guy? i may think ive really missed you im glad we cn finally be friends. i may even be like why aren't we dating, which i doubt... but if i do end up thinking that... then dating drew may be a mistake, and im sure he would rather know sooner than later. i want to be commited to him to my very core. i may always love john... but it'll never be the same as how i feel about Drew now =)

[MadMolly]

The way I like to think of it, is imagine you and your current boyfriend/girlfriend breaking up on good terms. You'd probably still want to be friends, right? Once you get a new partner, imagine if they said you couldn't be friends anymore - even though your old relationship was well and truly (and amiably) over. Gives a different perspective for those feeling jealous I suppose.

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

and for the most part i don't even care to see john lol. im really happy tht i tlked to him and tht that has been solved lol...

[Taija]

I have nothing against being friends with exes either - especially if the relationship was long and serious, it's only understandable to still love your ex, even if you are no longer in love with him. Such strong feelings don't just diseapper into thin air. But I also believe that it very much depens on the situation; trying to be friends right after the break is a bad idea, but you said that you hadn't talked to him for over a year so I would imagine that you can deal with it.

Nonetheless, I hope everything works out well and you can find a solution that satisfies both of you.

[Tanja]

I was gonna make a few points about your mail but you've already sent it and talked with your bf so I'll save my breath

Sounds like things are cool with you and the guys which is good.

[Mio]

Being friends with the exes is ok with me as long as it's strictly friendship and with total respect for our current partners.

[PsuGirl12]

Something i have learned from experience is that you should never have to give up your friends for the one you love, and the one you love should never ask you to give up your friends. The HUGE thing here is trust. You have to be mature enough to only be friends with your ex and make sure he knows that that is all that u want and all you will be. FRIENDS. If all parties here are mature enough it will all work out.

[Tanja]

I'm friends with my ex and Andy doesn't have a problem with it (or if he does he's never told me ). You said you may be like "why aren't we dating", if you really feel like there's a chance you might feel like that then I woldn't suggest you hang out with him very much, you might get those old feelings popping back and that will risk your LD with Derek and in the worst case scenario you'll break up with him and rejoin your ex to only find out that the reasons you broke up in the first place are still there.

If you honestly think you can just be friends with your ex then no-one's stopping you and Derek just has to deal with it.