The toughest conversation...

[Jasont]

I've been in an LDR since April of 09. We are 500 miles apart and each have children and solid jobs, in fact, she owns her own business. We are deeply in love and have been surviving the distance with as frequent of visits as possible...varying from every two weeks when our parenting and work schedules allow, to once a month. Our visits also vary from private intimate weekends alone to trips with each others children or families.

To cut to the quick of it...we desparately want to be together and find a way to do so. However, we had the very difficult conversation this weekend of how, even after all this time, that possiblity seems as impossible as it did at the beginning. Neither of us could possibly leave our kids, nor conceive of taking them away from their other parents. We speak several times a day, but neither of us want to be in an endless cycle of once or twice monthly visits and nothing more. We want to be together but truly don't see how that will be possible. While we were visiting each other this weekend and we were discussing this, we, through tears, agreed that it may be time to begin the impossibly diffcult process of saying goodbye. We just don't know what else to do...we don't WANT to break up, but neither of us find it mentally healthy for either of us to continue to be apart and have only part of the relationship we want.

I personally can't phathom NOT being with her, she is everything I've sought in a woman, but I see her pain (I feel her pain) of being apart. I don't know what the answer is and in talking with her, she doesn't either. Saying goodbye at the airport felt so final and while we've talked several times since, it's so hard to bring it all back up again.

We have agreed to just take this time until we see each other again (end of Janauary) to think some more, talk some more and try to see what we can possibly do next. Is there ANYONE out there with any ideas of what our options are outside of breaking up are. I am at a loss...how do we stay together facing the possiblity of several more years being apart (my youngest daughter is five)...or do we face that heart wrenching decision of saying good bye.

Thanks!

[FadedSunrise]

I'm really sorry. I don't know any solutions to your suggestion, but I'd definitely like to tell you that I wholeheartedly commiserate with your situation.

Me and my SO were apprehensive about officially getting together in the first place because we are in a similar situation. In that we don't really see how we could eventually be together; whether it is possible at all. In the end his hope and "we're both young, you never know!" convinced me into it, but I often still think about this. After leaving China 12/16, it still hurts like no other this day to be apart and not by choice. To not be like the other couples out there who, if need be, can ring each other up and have a quick meetup. The last thing I want to do is hurt him like that, because of this, for years on end.

He's a personal trainer in Beijing with terrible English and not much else besides an athletics education. I'm an aspiring law school student who in a few years might be going to law school in the east, even further from him in time and distance.

I'm 20, so I can't rightfully say "I can't fathom being with anyone else", but it still hurts alot without him, and it always feels like he's got a piece of my heart with him. I've tried many times to push the feeling for him away, I've even thought of saying in the early times(before we got together)-but there are so many other girls in China...wouldn't this be easier for you? I really don't know either

[Čternity]

I'm in the same situation. I can't see a way out, or even a way forward, either. Staying together, for us, will mean living half a life for years to come. Thinking about splitting up is unbearable. It's ongoing, alternating happiness and hope with pain and sadness. We just take it day by day.

Everyone here has hurdles with closing the distance. I try to count my blessings instead of other people's. Most people never find someone they adore and who love them back as much. I wish I had some advice, just know I understand.

[agentholli]

Here is my opinion, and everyone here might hate me after I say it. But I assume that the kids stay with their mom most of the time and you get them for weekends right? If that is the case...and you are all ready paying for flights back and forth...why can't you move to her, and fly your kids back and forth? They would probably LOVE the adventure...and think its awesome that they get to fly to see dad. Or you go back to them stay in a hotel for a weekend to be with them. Just because you move to her, doesn't mean you can't see your kids EVER again.

If you situation is different and you see your children a lot more then just every other weekend..then forget what I said above, just remember..that you deserve to be happy also.

(now everyone, don't hate me )

[Stina83]

I don't think it's impossible at all! I understand that it's a very tough situation, but I agree with the post above actually. You DO deserve to be happy too, and this will be important for your kids as well, I'm sure.
Your youngest daughter is 5. How old are your other kids? 5, I'd say, is still too early to fly 500 miles, unless your other kids are a lot older and can take care of her. But you and your SO can still make like a 5 year plan for how you're going to do this.
How old are her kids? Maybe, if you can stick it out, and maybe even find a way to see each other more than once a month, you can wait till one of you guys' kids have all turned 18, and then one of you can move for the other.
I think there are possibilities, you just have to find them

[Moon]

Flying your kids out all the time will get really expensive, really fast.

You know, you just can't tell what the future holds, or what opportunities could pop up at any time. That being said, you also can't wish fruitlessly on the hope of that happening. I think what it comes down to is are your lives better with or without each other? Would you rather see each other once a month, or not at all? If either of you are the type who needs their partner full time, and plenty of people are that way, then you really may have to consider ending things for now. Sometimes ending the distance is overrated, I think. We all worry about it so much that we put unnecessary strain on the relationship, trying to turn what is by nature unconventional, into something that more neatly fits the norm. If you can handle it for a while longer, then hold onto what you have and cherish it, but if either of you just aren't the LDR type, you may need to take a break and see where life leads you. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you.

[Gurl]

While I have never been in a similar situation, I think both agentholli and Moon make points you should consider. To add to Holli's, Perhaps having extended visits instead of frequent short visits with the children would be a viable alternative for the noncustodial parent (assuming ONE of you isn't primary caretaker for your children). Supplementing this with video and/or phone calls would be ideal.


If you love each other and are better together than apart, Don't give up until you have explored every option. And would it really be so horrible to only see each other once a month for 10 to 15 years compared to letting what you have go? As I said, never been in your shoes, but just some things to consider here. Best of luck, I sincerely hope you find a way to work things out.

[Jasont]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and advice.

[Stina83]

Hope you'll give us an update on what you decide. Best of luck to both of you.

[Moon]

I'm with Stina83, please let us know how it goes.