LDR - Don't want to move. Should we break up?

[nutella]

HELP!

We are a long distance couple, a guy from Australia and a girl from Finland. We are both 24 years old and we’ve been together for 3 years (actually our anniversary is tomorrow ), and we have lived in each others countries in turns (at the moment he lives in Finland).
We have a major problem, as we’re not sure should we continue our relationship any longer…We care for each other and don’t want to be with anyone else, but we’re afraid our relationship will end one day. Neither of us wants to move to each others home country long term. We both feel like this is not going to last for ever, but at the same time we don’t want to break up.

Any advice would be appreciated…

[MadMolly]

Have you thought maybe about moving to a different place for the both of you? Or is it leaving your own countries that is the problem? I can really see how this could be a big problem and if it doesn't resolve itself, breaking up might be the only way... but it seems such a shame.

[JoMarie]

I agree with Molly (as per usual LoL) I think that you should look into a new place for both of you to live. Research places and compromise. If there is something in each of your countries holding you there maybe you could find a happy medium, or if not I'm not sure how it would work out. If you both absolutely have to stay in your own countries it would probably be hard to continue your relationships. I don't know!

[nutella]

Yeah the problem is that we both want to stay in our home countries - close to our families and friends . Maybe we're not just that in love, if neather of us want to compromise...?

[Gurl]

Sounds like a major issue, hun. I'd say sit down and talk about the finding somewhere that is not Finland or Australia. Then you both are in the same sitch when you move together, and can plan vacations to see family and friends once you get financially established in your new home. If you can make a romantic relationship work over the distance, familial and friendly relationships should be a breeze to maintain by comparison. It never hurts to broach this as an alternative to letting 3 years go over both of you being inflexible simply because you don't WANT to leave your countries...(that sounds harsh I know, but I don't mean it in a bad way. Sometimes the truth IS harsh though :|)

[lunamea]

Even though it seems the best solution, I'm not sure moving to a different country would work... I'm just thinking about immigration restrictions and such. Sadly, we don't live in a world where everyone can live where they want to live.

I guess it all depends on your jobs and life plans. If you're flexible job-wise: What about sticking with alternating between countries? You could live with him in Australia for a year and he with you for the next year or so. I know it will be stressful and you still won't be around family & friends for a stretch of time, but there's people who live their lives that way and it works for them.

My husband is from Kosovo and I'm from Austria and after we'd met and decided we wanted to stay together, we were actually considering to move to Kosovo if he wouldn't have gotten a visa for Austria. I really wouldn't want to live there permanently, mostly because we'd be living with his family and the social and job situation etc. is just awful, but I'd consider going back and forth if it had to be. I actually looked into an EU-sponsored volunteering program and suggested we could go there for a few months and just live in his home country (we wouldn't be living with his family and we'd both work). Then again, we've been talking of maybe living in another EU-country when I'm done with my studies... I think it wouldn't be that hard for me to not see my family/friends, because even when I'm in Austria, I only see them once a month or so (my husband sees his family in Austria even less). I guess once you've made that step on a small scale (I did when we got married and moved to another city 50 miles from my hometown), it's easier to do it on a large scale. Ever since I'm here in the US, my mom keeps saying that she doesn't really realize I'm that far away, because we used to talk on the phone everyday when I was back home, too.

I think you should ask yourself if you want to stay in your respective countries or if you want to stay in the immediate vicinity of your family/friends (your hometowns). The latter seems to be hardly achievable, unless you are quite lucky with jobs etc., so you might even have to compromise if you were in a relationship with a Finn. Only if the thought of not seeing your family/friends everyday is unbearable for both of you (which seems odd to me because you have been living abroad before) would I consider giving up on an otherwise functioning relationship.

[Zephii]

It's not the end and it doesn't mean that you don't love each other enough. Obi and I are in the same boat there. He's Canadian, I'm Australian. So far, we're not picking a country, we see that both have something to offer us and are hoping to one day be duel citizens to make our endless floating back and forth a little less of a hassle. We also have friends who are in the exact same situation. It's a lot more expensive for us this way, and every time we move we know we will lose everything, or mostly everything, so if you're both materialistic it's hard.
We're still researching exactly how to make it work on a practical level, and that's what I'd sugest to you too, research. If you both wont pick a country and still want to make it work find out what it would take for you two to be internationally nomadic and see if those sacrifices are acceptable to your situation.

I understand how hard it is to give up family and friends for just one other person - especially as those family and friends will be hurt too. It's a tough call to make. Good luck!

[Mio]

Sometimes we can't have it all in life!

[Italia10]

What about looking into school or temporary work transfer opportunities? Maybe this could be a good way of seeing each others countries and getting a feel of what its like to live there. That way there is more flexibility to go back to your home countries for visits and such. But, someone needs to make the first move!

Ultimatly you need to do what makes you happiest.

Good luck!

[ettie]

Your situation sounds very familiar! I too just celebrated 3 years of relationship and had such a difficult time deciding what is best, lots of discussions along the way and also the thought of a possible break up. In the end is all about little sacrifices both have to do. I decided to do the moving myself, although my country is much more safe in the sense of robbery and violence and libertis (i can walk by myself in the street at 2am that no one will even try to rape me, but in argentina a woman must be crazy to do so and will not live to tell the story...that is what was keeping me from doing it sooner, we compared the pros and cons of both places and we also considered moving to a different place (one of our many trips) but in the end the best choice was moving to his country because of opportunities. He has a great job, his own apartment and a promising future if he stays there. I live with two more people in a rented place very very small and very very expensive, and work two jobs to barely pay for my masters degree and finally be able to get a real job in my field. If I was dong the moving there, my european degree has more weight because people over there rarely graduate from university but in europe everyone has a degree and fights for the same jobs which are not many. That is just an example of the things that gave his country the upper hand. Another thing, was family. I am not close with mine so meeting with them every so months will not be a bad thing, he? he is all about family, his familiy (around 20 people) gets together every sunday for "lunch" which lasts all day because they all enjoy each others company...so weird i know hahaha

Anyway, my advice? think first very very cold minded what is keeping you both from wanting to do a sacrifice, second make a list of the pros and cons of each country and see what weights the most. third, perhaps you dont have to move together just yet (maybe you are not ready and that is why you both hang to your countries so badly? )
and finally consider a different place maybe one you visited togethere and both liked?

And about the breaking, as my boy told me when I suggested it "dont be foolish" hahahaha Im kidding but really, 3 years means something real most be happening....

Let us know what is your final decision, best wishes!!!

[ettie]

another thing to consider : legal status for you in australia and for him in finland, any difficulties either way??

[Tanja]

Hi there, I'm from Finland too!

Your situation does sound tricky.. And it sounds like you've sort of already made up your minds, neither of you wants to leave their home country to be together. I know this sounds harsh but in an LDR someone always have to make a sacrifice if you really want to live together. That's just the way it is unless you decide to stay LD for the rest of your lives lol.

Like Gurl said, you've been together for 3 years and succesfully maintained the relationship despite the distance - wouldn't you rather have that distance to your family than to the man you love? If you honestly think you could never live in another country and he feels the same way then I'm sorry to break it to you but it does sound like you don't love each other enough to make sacrifices to be together.

One option would be to live in Finland for 2-3 years and then move to Australia and live there for a while - but it takes a lot of energy and money to move back and forth.

My SO is going to move here and we're both very aware that he might not like it here because of the cultural differences and everything but we don't want to live our lives thinking "what if?", we have to try it even though it's gonna be really hard for him cause he has to leave his family and friends and live here where he knows no-one and doesn't speak the language and it just might not work. But we love each other too much to just give up because of the distance.

So before you make up your mind completely think about giving it a chance first cause you might end up being happier than you ever thought you could be. Your family and friends will still be here and you can visit them and they can visit you, there's emails, postcards, letters, webcams, phones, all sorts of things to keep in touch no matter where on this planet you're on.

I hope you can sort this out soon so that you don't have to break up.

[Alisz]

Like people have said and I'm going to echo them, in a LDR there will eventually be a sacrifice made. Do I think you should break up over it? No. It's good to think about the future, but life is unpredictable. If it's not a huge problem for you right now, then why make it out to be? You say you both care about each other and don't want to be with anyone else, then don't. Enjoy your relationship and see where it takes you. Eventually you'll get to the point when it does matter. But I'm not sure if that point is right now. If trading off and having long visits is working for you guys right now and it's not impacting your lives negatively, I don't really see a problem. You said, "We both feel like this is not going to last for ever, but at the same time we don’t want to break up." Nothing lasts forever because things change, but it's not always for the worst. Like I said, enjoy your relationship right now and if it really becomes a problem in the present, then by all means talk about it. It just sounds like it's not really an issue right now, so why make it out to be? ^^