is it ok to tell him how to be a better boyfriend?

[gsqueaker]

a little background info: i have been with my SO for 5 months. we having a very strong connection and aren't usually afraid of having heart to hearts. he's never been in a serious relationship and warned me at the beginning that he didn't really know how to be a boyfriend. i told him not to worry.

the dilemma: i read a lot of relationship, dating, sex, etc. blogs and find a lot of useful articles. i find a lot of articles that he should read if he wants to be a better boyfriend. i know he doesn't read these blogs, so he is never going to get this information on his own

the question: is it rude to send him links to the blogs or forward articles? i'm really nervous and shy about telling him directly. i'd also love it if everything he does doesn't come from my instruction. i mean, what's the point otherwise?

please help me

[LadyMarchHare]

I think it would be rude to send him these things if he's done nothing wrong and there's no problems in these areas the articles cover. You could certainly have a talk with him and bring up what you read, but I think giving him the article would be like saying 'you're not good enough, here's how to make yourself better in my eyes'. But that's just me and I'm a pessimistic person. And while articles can help, they're not the Holy Grail to any relationship. Every person is different so every relationship is different. What may work for one couple could destroy another.

[Moon]

To be honest, most of those articles are crap, imo. I think they give women unrealistic expectations of men that can never be met, which leave us feeling like there must be something wrong in our relationships, 'cause they aren't like those awful articles all over women's magazines tell us they're supposed to be.

Its funny because my guy and I just had a long conversation about these type of articles last night, comparing the stuff in both men's and women's mags, and we realized that if both sexes followed them, we'd never get together I'm sure after reading them, you feel like your bf isn't treating you romantically enough, or paying you enough attention, or listening properly, etc. They all say that.

Instead of sending him articles written by women for women, maybe you should think about what YOU need in your relationship and what's realistic to expect, then talk about it a little at a time. Regardless of what Cosmo says, real life relationships aren't all flowers and romance after the first few months, life will always interfere with that. LDR's can be even harder because you have to balance more variables such as time, schedules and distance. Treat your bf they way you like being treated and he'll probably catch on, maybe after a few hints, and maybe after a good smack in the head

Those articles are OK for some reference material, just don't take them so seriously, or believe everything they tell you. Take that info with a huge grain of salt, and figure out whats right for you, as an individual. You can even make a list, prioritizing this into something like: Needs, Wants, and Nice To Haves, because we're all different, and have different needs in a relationship. I've found no guy can live up to everything those articles say he's supposed to, and all you get in the end is a confused man and miserable woman, and that's no way to be. Good luck!

[Darth_Taco]

Everytime I read a relationship article I think to myself "People actually do this crap and expect to be in happy relationships?" I swear, it seems most of the authors of those things are either single or in failing relationship. The women's articles are the worst, at least half of them are written by ridiculously jealous women who can't stand their man having female friends or relatives.

Now to your actual dilemma. I have a question, are you happy with how he's doing in your relationship? If you are, what's there to fix? Just tell him what you love that he does when he's getting insecure and remind him he's a great guy. If you think he could do better, why not just tell him what you want in a relationship? What expectations do you have regarding romance, sex, communication, visits, ect? What these people writing the articles want might not be what you want or would work for you. Every person is different and has different needs. Love and relationships aren't textbook, they're customized.

[snow_girl]

What are the things you think he should know?

[mllebamako]

Like Moon said, I would spend less time on those articles/blogs and more time thinking about what it is YOU want. I think that those articles can create problems where there weren't problems before.
Are you happy with how he's treating you? Do you feel fulfilled in the relationship? If the answer is no, then you can talk to him about or mention those things that are making you feel unhappy or things you think are missing.

[Stina83]

I agree with some of the other posts. I think it's important that you figure out what you need in your relationship, if you feel that something is missing, and then tell him about it. It seems that you two have no problem with communication generally, so I definitely think you should be honest with him about what you want and need. In a LDR I think for a lot of people there's a bigger need for affection and reassurance maybe than in a 'normal' relationship. That's how it is for me, and I've asked my bf to show me that he loves me and to be affectionate more than he might have been, if we had been together physically. Distance makes me need that even more, and my bf is great with these things, and when I told him this, he completely understood and said that he would make sure that I know how much he loves me every day
So if I were you, I wouldn't be afraid to talk to him openly about it. Just tell him what YOU need, and not what you think he does wrong. That way it won't sound like you're attacking him

[lucybelle]

My uncle tells me all the time: "If it isn't broke, don't fix it." Why do you want to send him these articles? I mean I feel it's all garbage anyways. I buy magazines like Cosmo to take to the beach and read mindlessly. There's no substance. Just gossip.

[Karringtyn]

Question for you...

How would YOU feel if he sent you articles as a suggestion? Be very careful in wanting to change someone. We fall in love with our SO's for a reason...

[pytsip]

How to be a boyfriend comes instinctively when in the situation. My boyfriend was never in a relationship over 2 months before he and I started dating. He was a serious relationship virgin, and while there are some things that he does that I think "durrrr, silly boy" I still think that regardless of him being in a serious relationship before this, that he just knows or is learning as it goes on.

Secondly, I love my boyfriend because he is a man. I think a lot of those articles are about how a boyfriend can be soft and cuddly to his girlfriend and while sometimes that's nice, you have to realize that he is a guy, and that he's going to act guy ways. I think the whole boyfriend description is a description that women have come up with about Prince Charming who really is a sissy.

With that being said, I agree with Darth Taco, if you're happy, what's there to fix? Every relationship is different, and as much as chick flicks and cosmo make it seem that boyfriends should be the Prince Charming there is no Prince Charming its just you and him, and he will learn on his own and he will be the best boyfriend if he learns it on his own.

[gsqueaker]

ok, i guess i should have clarified what i would be sending him. i dont read cosmo, and im not having issues with the way he treats me. specifically, he has never actually planned a date. when we go out, i find the restaurant, i think of the activity, etc. i guess i wanted to send him to a blog that helps with ideas for dates, all kinds, not just expensive or romantic ones.

[Dziubka]

Imho trying to change your SO is the compltely wrong approach, especially if you're not long into the relationship. It's either accept the way your SO is and deal with the things that bug you, if you can't you're clearly not meant for each other. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh and of course it's just my view of things.
There are people who are simply less creative when it comes to planning past time activities or who're not good present givers, or whatever.
My ex wasn't good at planning interesting dates/trips either. He usually agreed when I suggested something and ended up liking it in the end, but he'd never bring anything up himself. I could have sent him millions of pages with suggestions about what to see, where to go/eat/whatever in our area, and maybe he would even have taken me somewhere, but it wouldn't have 'changed' him. He still wouldn't have had a sincere interest in those things.
Obviously there were more things, but us having crassly varying interests was one of the reasons it didn't work out.

You might try to tell him, that you'd like to be surprised sometimes, have him take the initiative and plan something, so that you can relax and don't have to think about everything. But in the long run, you should decide whether it's something you can live with or not. I strongly believe that you cannot change another person.

[LostInLove]

You might try to tell him, that you'd like to be surprised sometimes, have him take the initiative and plan something, so that you can relax and don't have to think about everything. But in the long run, you should decide whether it's something you can live with or not.

I agree with this. Another option is the next time you're going on a date, ask him what he wants to do and get suggestions from him. Or provide him with options and make him choose. If you're always ready with an idea of where to go and what to do, there's no need fo him to think of anything. So if you make him think once in a while, it might become a bit more natural for him. But as Dziubka says, you shouldn't try and change who he is. Maybe he just can't think of anything to do, or planning dates makes him really nervous. If he really prefers to have you decide on dates, then you have to decide if you're okay with that because otherwise it's going to be a constant battle that makes you both aggravated in the end.

[LadyMarchHare]

ok, i guess i should have clarified what i would be sending him. i dont read cosmo, and im not having issues with the way he treats me. specifically, he has never actually planned a date. when we go out, i find the restaurant, i think of the activity, etc. i guess i wanted to send him to a blog that helps with ideas for dates, all kinds, not just expensive or romantic ones.

Well with the title of your thread it's kind of hard not to think you're having issues with the way he is. If you just want him to 'be the man' then tell him you'd like him to think of things to change things up and let him do the blog searching instead of spoonfeeding him like a child. If he wants to make the effort, he'll look for ideas himself and may end up with something better than what you've found.