Too Clingy?

[__ms.jaye]

So recently I have come to a realization that I have become clingy... UGH and it honestly makes me feel so disgusted with myself because i never used to be like that... I think it's because I've catered too much to my SO after we had a rough patch and almost broke up and lost some of my own independance.

Cause BEFORE I would have NEVER allowed myself to get to this point.
1.) I always call him because my family's home phone line is fortunate enough to include free long distance to anywhere in the United States and Canada.
-So he's gotten so used to never calling me, EVER so I suggest he maybe buy a phone card or something but he always has an excuse I just let it slide.
2.)I almost always text him, initiate the text or carry the conersations he replies with one word answers most of the time.
-I have begged and begged and we have had many COUNTLESS serious talks about how it bothers me that he does that and it comes across as rude, his excuse? "I dont even answer some people and I do it to everyone so try not to feel bad."

So in an effort to regain some of my own independance and get out from under the 'whip' I thought i'd ask for some friends advice and they said to let him initiate all the texting, calling etc. And if he really wants to hear your voice he'll buy a phone card...My question is will this work?

ofcourse if he does text me i'm not rude or anything like that, i just let him carry the conversation... is this bad?

[Anolinde]

OH GOD ME TOO! Though I just chop it up mostly to pmsing >.< I get really moody and clingy and all sorts of bad things during that time of the month and it causes a lot of stress and fighting in my relationship. I try not to get too mad at Erik because I know I'm being unreasonable and he's just tired of it. I just wish he'd be more understanding and compassionate, but he just says I'm full of excuses and starts to pull away from me. Causing things to get worse obviously, it drives me insane but thankfully it only lasts a week right >.<

[Anolinde]

Also I don't know if that's bad, I'm actually going through the exact same thing right now. He says he doesn't want to talk on the phone, he rarely calls me and I find I'm the one always calling him. His excuse is he hates the phone. But he never seems to mind when he's gaming and talking to me at the same time. We don't have conversations like we used to, where we'd just talk a bout stuff for hours and it really hurts. So I've actually decided I won't call him for a couple days and see if he calls me.....though he probably won't catch on. I get really angry about it and even want to call him selfish. Isn't being in love sacrificing and doing things that you might not always want to do but know it makes your SO happy?

[__ms.jaye]

I have no idea, I've gotten over that me and my SO are out of the honeymoon stage but I mean there's no excuse as to why he can't buy a $10 dollar phone card and call me for once, he is just so accustomed to me doing everything and it's not good, I think this me not texting him thing is.. not really a test as much as I'd like to look to it as if it was but more like some self liberation for myself... I never used to be clingy at all, and I need to get comfortable with myself enough to be there again.

Hopefully he'll text me and for the most part he has been.. ish

[sabby64]

I don't think it will end badly if you realized what you were doing. If you can quit being so clingy, trust me, he'll notice, and maybe then he will listen to the suggestions you have.

[Micah]

If my boyfriend ever gives me one word texts that aren't very participatory, I just stop texting him for the day. I kind of get the hint he's not really in the texting mood, so I leave him alone. Usually if I quit texting him, he notices, and he will initiate the texting the next time. And, he will actually be interested in leaving more than one word answers. Typically, he's pretty good at leaving responsive texts, though.

As far as calling, I don't know... if it's free to you, he probably doesn't really find it necessary to spend money on something that is unlimited on your end.

I have held off communicating to my boyfriend before, and usually by the end of the day he is calling me, making sure everything's okay. So, it has worked for me. At the same time, I really hate playing games and we both enjoy talking to one another, so it just never feels right when I am doing it. On the other hand, sometimes providing a little space/break in communication is good for a relationship because it gives you time to really miss the person and then you have more to talk and catch up on when you do converse.

[__ms.jaye]

Yeah but the stupid thing is I have tried just leaving one word texts to him as well in repsponse to his and he assumes something is wrong.. so its like really its okay when he does it to me but not when i do it to him?

[Anolinde]

Yeah but the stupid thing is I have tried just leaving one word texts to him as well in repsponse to his and he assumes something is wrong.. so its like really its okay when he does it to me but not when i do it to him?

IKR! LOL what is with that!

[Micah]

Well, he did tell you that is the way in which he texts. So, maybe he's just set in his ways and kind of stubborn, so he doesn't want to change? And since he knows that you are a more detailed texter, that's just what he expects, so it makes sense he would think something was wrong. Double standards really bite sometimes!!

I think texting can be kind of a confusing way to communicate anyway. I don't use texting as a gauge to how my relationship is going. Its convenient way to say hi or touch base during the day, but it doesn't substitute a phone call for me. I think there's a lot of misunderstanding with text messaging. I agree with you one word texts are annoying (which is why after multiple ones I just stop texting), but sounds like he may not want to compromise on that issue.

[Čternity]

Gotta let him 'row the boat' as it were. You are doing the right thing. Maintain your independence and own life. It's a tough balance to be independent without acting like you don't want to hear from him by leaving one word responses.

Share your feelings and praise him when he does get in touch. "Feels great to hear from you etc etc' " or "Feels like we are getting on better now ...' Share the feelings not just the words. It's important or they think something is wrong if you just 'one word' them.

[mllebamako]

I agree that you need to let him take the lead for a bit.

AND GUESS WHAT????? Google voice offers free calling to the US and Canada. (PS this is advice for anyone on her with a SO in the US). So tell him to sign his lazy butt up on gmail and then download the plugin for calling and it's 100% free. It's what I use to call my family in the States.

Now he has no excuse. haha

[Stina83]

You know, I think this might be a guy thing!! In the begininng of our relationship, my bf was the same. We've never been able to text bc his phone doesn't have an international plan, and it would probably end up getting too expensive if we did. But the whole calling thing would always be me calling, and it's not that I can call for free or anything. He says he's not a phone guy either. Anyway, I've had some talks to him about this too and how it bothered me, that I would always be the one to initiate everything, even making plans to skype. I really don't think he realized it until I started to hold off on phone calls to him and stop asking him to skype. Then he would assume something was wrong, and I'd explain to him that he's free to do these things too.
He's now a lot better with that, even though there are still times when he doesn't think, and when the tendency for me to be the one to call him and all comes back. But he gets it now, when I tell him. Yesterday he called me 3 times (the calls never went through to my phone), but he thought I picked up and hung up one of the times. So I got a really worried email back from him this morning, lol. I definitely think you should try and hold off on the texting and calling and leave it up to him for a while. Just tell him that you feel that you're always the one to initiate things, and you're going to let him contact you if he wants to talk for a while. Make sure you don't blame him or anything, just be sort of casual. I do think that's a good idea in order for you to get your own life and independence back too. Make plans with your friends and keep yourself occupied, from my experience that always helps. I have a tendency to get too clingy too, and I hate myself for it. So I decided whenever that happens, I'm going to try and focus on other things.
Another question though, do you feel secure in your relationship? Like do you have doubts that he loves you?

[Silviar]

It sounds to me like you're not upset at clinginess but rather the fact he doesn't initiate anything - and I don't blame you. I'd discuss with him that a relationship is a team effort and requires effort on both sides in order to win the race of life. Talk to him about specific things you'd like and expect him to do to keep his side of the relationship propped up. No excuses - he needs to approach this as a grown-up and figure out ways that he too can make this work. And then stick to it. That way if you don't initiate contact and he asks what's going on, you can point back to what you agreed upon, and then you won't feel like you're the one making all of the effort.

[__ms.jaye]

Thank you so much for the advice, I will most defintely do the if he messages me three times with a one word answer, i'll just stop replying.. or something along those lines i think it will really say something to him and myself included.