Marriage?

[Stina83]

Alright, so I guess I need some opinions on something

In November, when I was in the States with my SO, we were laying in bed talking visa issues and our options on moving in together somewhere in the world, when he asked me what my answer would be if he asked me to marry him. I asked him if he was serious, and he said he was. And I said that my answer would be yes, but I thought that we shouldn't get married because of the distance, but for the right reasons, and that I wanted it done right. He said that it would be for the right reasons, but afterwards he apologized for being so unromantic, and he said that I was absolutely right. He was so sorry, and he said he felt like he ruined it. Anyway, we left it at that.
Since that time I've thought more and more about it, and I guess I feel that this could be a good option for us. Our relationship isn't exactly typical either. We love each other, and isn't it kind of childish of me to want a 'real' proposal and a ring? (I know he's broke, so that probably won't be for a while anyway). I've been thinking that there's actually nothing wrong with just going to the justice of the peace and get married there, and then have a real wedding later. All I want is to be with him, so maybe it isn't such a bad idea at all.
But now I don't know how to bring it up to him again? Because he hasn't said anything about it since, and I don't want to force this on him again.
What do you all think, should I wait for a 'real' proposal, or should I bring this idea up to him again?

[Micah]

I would probably just bring it up. He is obviously comfortable talking about it since he has brought it up previously. And, sometimes guys are bad at taking hints! So, I would probably bring it up yourself and just be straight up about it. Good luck.

[Stina83]

I guess I should. Do you think I should wait till we're in person? And how do you all feel about talking about getting married like that, instead of waiting for a proposal?

[lucybelle]

Go ahead and bring it up again. You could say something like "I've been thinking about that time we were talking about marriage and..."

My SO and I have talked getting married before for visa reasons. I didn't really want to get married, but if it made things easier then that would be fine with me. I looked at it like a "convenience" marriage. If it didn't work out, we would get a divorce (and then he could still live in the States if he wanted to!) He wasn't okay with that. He thought marriage was a big deal. And he didn't want to get married either. So we have worked our way around that.

Though there are still times when I think "everything would be so much easier if we got married!"

As far as what type of marriage, I look forward to a small or no ceremony. Then a totally sweet party afterwards! I do need a ring though

[Stina83]

Thanks for the advice Lucybelle! Lol, kinda agree with the ring.. and don't really want to buy my own. Guess I'm sort of old-fashioned like that.
Can I ask how you guys worked your way around the marriage thing with him still being able to move to America?

[Silviar]

After the last time, he probably doesn't want to bring it up again because of that. Amended to say: I think marriage and where we're headed is a conversation international couples need to have every 6 months at least in order to make sure you're both on the same page, particularly given all the legalities that need to be addressed.

So, given that, I'd bring it up either way and let him know how you feel on the situation, and he can say how he feels, and then you can see if you're on the same page and what you can work towards together.

[lucybelle]

Well he's only moving here for a limited amount of time. He has a tourist visa so he's coming for the 6 months. After that, I'm planning on moving down to his country. It's easier for me to find a job/obtain a work visa in Costa Rica than for him to find one up here. And I'm excited to live there again anyways!

[Stina83]

Lucybelle: That's great! Heard good things about Costa Rica I thought a tourist visa to the States was only 3 months?

Silviar: Yeah, I agree with that. Alright I suppose I'll bring it up again, kind of nervous though, lol. It'll be like I'm proposing then

[Silviar]

Silviar: Yeah, I agree with that. Alright I suppose I'll bring it up again, kind of nervous though, lol. It'll be like I'm proposing then

No way - just because you're talking about marriage doesn't make it a proposal. In fact, if you're adamant about him asking, this is a good way to tell him you expect him to ask you.

It's no more making you engaged than talking about children makes you a parent/pregnant.

[Stina83]

No way - just because you're talking about marriage doesn't make it a proposal. In fact, if you're adamant about him asking, this is a good way to tell him you expect him to ask you.

It's no more making you engaged than talking about children makes you a parent/pregnant.

Haha that's a good point! I think he knows that I want him to ask though. The thing is, I don't want him to take too long either (and since he needs to buy a ring, he might haha), so I'm actually getting a lot more comfortable with the thought of us just making the decision together and going to the justice of the peace.

[Silviar]

Haha that's a good point! I think he knows that I want him to ask though. The thing is, I don't want him to take too long either (and since he needs to buy a ring, he might haha), so I'm actually getting a lot more comfortable with the thought of us just making the decision together and going to the justice of the peace.

I can understand that, truly! My SO and I have a really high chance we'll be going to get married like that and then having a proper wedding the year after - and we're ok with that. My SO is actually adamant that he have a ring when he proposes to me, which is why we're not engaged yet. When I move over there, he'll be asking then sometime. It won't stop us from still having to probably go to the courthouse though because affording a wedding within my visa's timeframe will probably not happen.

Stupid visas...

[mllebamako]

Our engagement came about as a joint-decision. It doesn't have to be like in the movies when the woman is all surprised when her SO proposes. Like, I actually think that's kind of weird. I think it should be a joint-decision, something you have discussed at length. That doesn't mean that his proposal will be any less special.
We first seriously discussed us getting married over a dinner of fish....eating with our hands. Not romantic. Then we discussed it many more times. Then we chose a ring and a necklace for him together online (we were having my parents bring jewelry from the States). He did his "official" proposal once we had the ring. Of course, I knew all of this was coming...I watched my parents hand him the ring. But none of that took away from the moment where he got on one knee and made his sweet little speech.

Sorry, that really long story was just to say that you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it.

[Karringtyn]

Our engagement was SO NON romantic, and I knew he had bought the ring and that the trip he was coming on was to propose...but it was BEAUTIFUL. I cried and cried. I still pinch myself if it is real or not.

I would TOTALLY bring it up. You know it's on his mind...and you want to make sure you both are thinking the same way...

[nicole]

Yes, bring it up, if he's brought it up before then he has been thinking about it.

My SO and I have been talking about this, and using the Marriage option as our back up plan. Jeez that sounds so callous and unromantic! But if I can't get in the country on a student visa, then it's the only way I can see us doing it. Like Silviar, I am not engaged as my SO hasn't got a ring yet, we'll have a jeans and t-shirt wedding to make it official, and once the paper work is done, have a "real" wedding. It's not the ideal way, but we want to be married anyways, so it will be a story to tell at least!

[Moon]

International relationships often have to forgo the romantic, surprise proposal, sadly. There are so many things that have to be done, and arrangements to make, and agreeing where and how to live, that it makes a surprise almost impossible. I'd bring it up again, just like all the smart advice everyone has already given. If you're thinking about it, then its time to talk about it Good luck!