Forgiveness

[Rosebud]

Please, tell me what forgiveness means to you. Does forgiveness mean that you have released all the pain from what was done to you? Does forgiveness mean no longer holding a grudge yet still dealing with that pain? Or is the act of wanting to forgive with all your heart enough, even if you still hold that grudge as that pain eats you up inside?

Is it true that only time can heal, that the reason why we forgive is simply because we forget and the emotions grow numb? Or when we say we forgive someone we are simply pretending because we love them, and that no amount of time will ever really erase the pain of our scars? How is it possible to have such conflicting feelings of love toward someone yet still harbor such emotions of pain associated with them as well? How do you will love to win?

I want to know how you forgive. You don't have to give examples of situations if you don't wish to or feel free to if that is what you desire. Emotions and such abstract ideas such as forgiveness are difficult concepts to truly grasp and I want your thoughts.

Thank you.

[Čternity]

Forgiveness has been such a hard concept to understand, for me. I can hold a grudge with the best of them and did for over 20 years. I wrestled with a grudge for so long, sent myself to the depths of despair. It ate my soul. I numbed my pain, self medicating and self loathing were a vicious cycle. Around and around. Until I finally understood that forgiveness is not about the other person - it's about me. Many of our emotional prisions are of our own making, in the end. Someone may have done something to you but after all, you control how you can feel about that. You can use the grudge to hold the anger and feel the rage but in the end the only person it hurts is you.

Once you get that it is totally liberating. It doesn't mean you forget what happened by any means. And you let the other people know that. Forgive them but more importantly forgive yourself. Forgive yourself and free yourself from the grudge but never ever forget.

[LostInLove]

Forgiveness, for me, is when you make the concious decision that you're not going to hold that person responsible for what they did anymore, whether you're over the pain or in the process of healing. You can't forgive when you're still raw and in a lot of emotional pain, but once you can start seeing different sides to the story it becomes a lot easier to accept them. It doesn't mean forgetting, it just means you decide that you won't let it affect your life anymore.

For example, I've forgiven my friend that had feelings for me and ended up sending me something so personally invasive that I cut off our friendship completely. I've forgiven him and we're on speaking terms again, but every time we talk I remember what he said to me so our relationship will never be the same. I don't hold what he did against him anymore, but it changed how I view him and that's not something that can be fixed. Same with my ex. I've forgiven him for the horrible way that he chose to break up with me. I've accepted the fact that he's immature and indecisive, and that's why he did things the way he did. I would never date him again, or be anything more than acquaintances, but when I see his name I don't get angry or upset anymore. I've gotten to the point that I don't want to waste my energy being upset at these people anymore.

I agree with Eternity that it's about letting go of the grudge. Where you're still raw and you want them to get what's coming to them. It can be exhausting, and can take a toll on your health. Forgiving provides a bit of relief for you. You don't forget, and you don't even go back to the way things were, you just accept being upset about it won't change things and start to move on with life.

[Stina83]

I completely agree with what Eternity said. Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's about you. You're not forgiving someone to make them feel good or to say that what they did was alright. You're forgiving them because you don't want to be in that person's power anymore. In the process of forgiving I think it's important that you take a look at the person who hurt you and look at their reasons for doing what they did. Still, not saying that it's okay, but only to gain an understanding of the reasons behind, and to know inside yourself that it's not YOU who did anything wrong here, it's not YOUR fault in any way. Like maybe that person is just plain socially unintelligent, maybe they weren't thinking, maybe in their stupidity they thought they were doing right by you or whatever it is. It's important to look at the entire person and not just their actions. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, and it doesn't have to involve talking to the other person about it at all. The other person doesn't have to be sorry. Because you're doing it for you. I think that time definitely has something to do with it. Time doesn't always necessarily heal everything, but it can help you to move on just a little bit and make the forgiveness process easier. For me, some of the things I have had to forgive, have been really painful to me and it's taken me years to get to the point where I have absolutely no bad feelings towards that person anymore. I don't condone what he did in any way, and I have no desire to talk to him again ever. However, if I met him on the street, my reaction would probably just be to say hello or maybe just walk away, and I don't think I'd have any feelings towards him, good or bad. To me, that's what forgiveness is. To be sort of numb or careless towards the person that hurt you in the sense that they don't have a negative impact on you anymore. It might be possible to forgive without ever feeling this way, but for me, until I do, I feel like I haven't forgiven for real. Time is key here, and working with yourself and the issues is essential too.
Donno if all this made any sense. As you can see I have a lot of feelings about this topic, lol. I hope whatever you're struggling with will get easier in time. Take care

[Mara]

I was the girl who walked around angry inside for as long as I could I remember and then I realized that I had been the angry girl, but I didn't want to become the angry woman so I had to take a long look at why I was so angry and it was mostly because of things that others had did to me that were out of my control. Forgiveness truly is much more about yourself than the other person. When you don't forgive someone, that resentment, that grudge you hold against them stays with you and it eats at you and eats at you and it will eventually consume you. It isn't worth it to me. I don't want to become a bitter person because of someone's faults.

Love, real true love in the way it should be, is about giving to another person and that includes your forgiveness. Now I'm not saying that you should go out and let someone abuse you or take advantage of your love, but eventually, everyone, even the people you love are going to hurt you. It's a fact of life. People aren't flawless. It's harder, I think, when the people you love hurt you because they matter to you. If a random person on the street makes a rude comment about you it might hurt your feelings, but how long will you focus on it? If a close friend or family member or lover was to make the same comment your feelings are going to be hurt to a different degree because they were someone you loved.

Forgiveness always takes time, but the length of time depends on how badly you were hurt and whether or not you are ready to forgive.

[Zephii]

Forgiveness, for me, is... well...
I guess I see things differently. I take an issue with a person's actions rather than with the person themselves, most of the time. I find it very difficult to hold a grudge or not forgive - which means I often walk back into abusive relationships. The only person I really hold any grudge with is myself.

Forgiveness, imo, is the acceptance that I can not change what is past, nor can anyone else even if they might wish to.

Understanding is a key step to forgiveness. If you can understand why someone treated you the way they did, and step beyond yourself to feel as they would have, it's much eaiser not to take the actions personally.