Feel so drained :(

[Stina83]

Hey guys, I guess I just need a little support right now.
I'm feeling really down today, and I've had more and more bad days lately. I have trouble doing anything during the day, except being on the computer, sleeping or just thinking. My mind is all over the place, feel like my head is one big chaos, and I'm just miserable.
Obviously it's because I miss my boyfriend. But it's not just that.. it's the whole prospect of the future that I'm worried about constantly. I sometimes feel like this situation is impossible, and I don't know what to do. I know international relationships can work, and I want ours to work too. We love each other, and that's really all that matters. However, my boyfriend is always broke, he works 2 jobs, is way underpaid and has no money for himself every month once his bills are paid. He's also diabetic, so he needs to buy insuline which is expensive. So basically all his money is gone every month. So saving up is not really an option for him, it always takes him forever to maybe save up for a plane ticket to Denmark to come see me. And then that money is gone again. I'm a student still, so obviously I have no money either, and the little extra money I have goes to plane tickets. We need to save up for the future, if one of us moves to the other one's country to start over, and when we want to get married, we need money for the visa process and so on.. not to mention that our countries are so freaking hard to immigrate to for a foreigner. Denmark's immigration rules are the toughest in Europe, and it's not like I can just up and move to the States either. I'm overwhelmed, I feel like it's such an impossible situation, and I guess I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel at all.
Sorry I'm rambling here, but I'm just so frustrated and sometimes I feel like I'm close to a breakdown. Other days are alright, but I'm constantly worried and stressed, and it's wearing me out. All I want to do is be with my boyfriend. Why does it have to be so hard!?

[Moon]

Take a deep breath and relax, you're letting too many things get to you at once. International relationships can be hard, but you have to just take it one step at a time, without thinking about all those other steps, too! Worry about moving when you're sure you're/he's moving, and getting married when you're 100% positive you're marrying him. For right now, just focus on visiting as often as you both can, because that's the only way you'll even need those other steps. Worry about the money for tickets, not visas, at least not yet. Immigration is difficult in both places, but definitely not impossible, and you'll get through it if/when the time comes.

I think its very important to think about you're future, and plan it, but I wouldn't let it stress you so much as a lot of things can happen between now and when you're ready to close the distance. You really can't do anything about it while you're a student, so try focusing on not worrying about the moving part until you're finished with school. I know how you feel, I'm international too, and some days all I want is a simple hug but know I just have to wait

[mllebamako]

You've got to force yourself to slow down on the worrying. I was in your position 6 months ago. I was trying to plan our future and worrying so much that it was seriously taking a heavy toll on my well-being. All of those things are so far off in the future and you worrying about them isn't going to solve anything. If I think about it, most of the things I was worrying about 6 months ago are still present. But I still can't solve them, so I still avoid thinking about them.

Focus on things that you can work towards now like making small changes to make your daily life in Denmark happier. Or focus on being a supportive girlfriend while your SO is going through this hard time.

Two things that have really worked for me (warning: both of these are super-dorky):
1. When I find my mind wandering to worries about things that are really far off the in the future, I stop myself and tell myself, "Let's let future-me worry about that". After all, future-me will be older and wiser. She can handle that problem. (I know, ridiculous. But it actually helps)
2. I schedule worry time. This really works if I have a specific thing I am worrying about. For example, immigration stress. In my planner, I schedule a hour or 2 of my free time to 'worry' about immigration things. That is the time when I can do research online, start preparing documents, etc. Outside of that worry time, I do not touch it and (much to my pleasant surprise) I do not think about it.

[Stina83]

Thank you for your advice. I know you're right and that I just worry way too much about things. I'm 28 years old though, and I definitely feel that I'm ready to close the distance, even though I'm still going to be in school for another year. However, when that year is over, I'd just like to be able to be with my SO and have a normal life with him. I know I shouldn't look too far ahead in the future and just try to focus on the here and now, but I also feel that it's something that an LDR couple has to do, because we can't just make any quick plans or decisions. I wish I could stop worrying, but it's just so hard to be without the one you love for months and months at a time..

[LadyMarchHare]

Thank you for your advice. I know you're right and that I just worry way too much about things. I'm 28 years old though, and I definitely feel that I'm ready to close the distance, even though I'm still going to be in school for another year. However, when that year is over, I'd just like to be able to be with my SO and have a normal life with him. I know I shouldn't look too far ahead in the future and just try to focus on the here and now, but I also feel that it's something that an LDR couple has to do, because we can't just make any quick plans or decisions. I wish I could stop worrying, but it's just so hard to be without the one you love for months and months at a time..

If you feel you can't stop the worrying, you might want to look into cognitive thinking and read up on that. It covers the worrying and the spiraling thoughts and gives suggestions on how to take hold of your thinking and change it for the better. Also, there's no set rules on what an LDR couple has to do, everyone's different and handles their relationships differently.

[Miramaid]

you know guys ... but did any of you ever think about it like this: "What if i am wasting my time? What if I am with somebody in LDR and taht somebody may not be as serious as I am or smth may change and I am in a relationship and have been waiting for months or even years?" and at the end all you get is a broken heart and wasted time when you could really be seeing someone and end up having a family and children and all.. Do you ever think like there is no security in this kind of relationship unless both people are sure about how exactly and when they are going to be together adn not just wait for a better situation or a moment for I do not know how long?
I personally am terrified that I may be wasting time??? THere is no way for me to know for sure what is on my boyfriend's mind and how serious or not serious he is about me. What if at the end there will be nothing and here is me - keeping my hopes so high... I am scared

[mllebamako]

you know guys ... but did any of you ever think about it like this: "What if i am wasting my time? What if I am with somebody in LDR and taht somebody may not be as serious as I am or smth may change and I am in a relationship and have been waiting for months or even years?" and at the end all you get is a broken heart and wasted time when you could really be seeing someone and end up having a family and children and all.. Do you ever think like there is no security in this kind of relationship unless both people are sure about how exactly and when they are going to be together adn not just wait for a better situation or a moment for I do not know how long?
I personally am terrified that I may be wasting time??? THere is no way for me to know for sure what is on my boyfriend's mind and how serious or not serious he is about me. What if at the end there will be nothing and here is me - keeping my hopes so high... I am scared

This is just the risk that you take for love. Long distance or not. Just because someone is next to you does not mean that you can be more sure of their feelings. You will never be able to know 100% if the person is just as serious as you are. You can "waste" years in any relationship and end up with a broker heart. In my opinion, that's just life, it's just part of the journey.

[Miramaid]

This is just the risk that you take for love. Long distance or not. Just because someone is next to you does not mean that you can be more sure of their feelings. You will never be able to know 100% if the person is just as serious as you are. You can "waste" years in any relationship and end up with a broker heart. In my opinion, that's just life, it's just part of the journey.

then I do not if I want it. I am overly sensitive by nature and I ALWAYS need reassurance. If I do not get it I get scared. I probably get clingy and start needing reassurance. It may push ppl away i do not know but I really do not want to risk it THAT MUCH. Yes risk is smth you have to take and also make some sacrifices but jeez....how can I give all of myself to someone without knowing for sure that this person really loves me and I am not just the next one? HOW? Unfortunately i do and i end up getting hurt adn in my relationship now i am afraid of it more than ever because of the long distance.

[Moon]

you know guys ... but did any of you ever think about it like this: "What if i am wasting my time? What if I am with somebody in LDR and taht somebody may not be as serious as I am or smth may change and I am in a relationship and have been waiting for months or even years?" and at the end all you get is a broken heart and wasted time when you could really be seeing someone and end up having a family and children and all.. Do you ever think like there is no security in this kind of relationship unless both people are sure about how exactly and when they are going to be together adn not just wait for a better situation or a moment for I do not know how long?
I personally am terrified that I may be wasting time??? THere is no way for me to know for sure what is on my boyfriend's mind and how serious or not serious he is about me. What if at the end there will be nothing and here is me - keeping my hopes so high... I am scared

What you've described can easily happen in close distance too...just look at the divorce statistics. Life is a journey and an adventure, just because you've had a relationship that didn't work, doesn't make it a failure if you've learned something. You can't know someone's feelings for sure ever, unless you are inside of their head, you know? For me, I'm done having children, and I'm pretty sure I won't marry again, so what have I got to lose? I've met an incredible man, probably the best I've ever known, and he happens to live 4200 miles away. I find more security in him than I did with my previous husbands, but I know that there aren't any guarantees in life, so I trust in my guy and live for now.

Look, this type of relationship isn't for everybody. You have to be the type who is a bit independent, kind of adventurous, and be able to trust in someone you don't see often. Oh, and you have to be very strong, that's extremely important! Its OK to be scared, but the worst thing that'll happen is you break up, which happens all the time regardless of location. If your goals truly are to get married and have children, and you have some idea of a timeline where this has to happen, then you should either discuss when you'll close the distance, or start looking locally. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because its not meant to at all, but I think you need to really take some time and think if an LDR is right for you. Its OK if it isn't, but don't give up because of fear, we all feel fear at times. Good luck.

[Stina83]

I agree that LDR's are not for everyone. You need to be able to trust when you're long-distance or it just can't work. So yeah, maybe it just isn't for you, it definitely isn't for everyone. I absolutely hate it at times, but I have enough faith and security in my relationship that even though I'm scared too sometimes (we all are), I have no doubt that this is the right thing for me. and I think that's the foundation that you need to have with your SO for and LDR to work.