the stress of immigration visa

[flux5959]

My girlfriend in Malaysia has been stressing out about our relationship. She says that she wants to move out of Malaysia ASAP. I finally understood her after my first visit there. She is definitely more Westernized from her previous work experiences. She has repeatedly suggested that we move together to another country because immigrating to the US is hard and she can't wait. She seems to be stressed out with the difficult and long US fiance visa application and process. Also, she recently questioned whether I can provide for her and her 7 year old son. I've been transparent from the beginning. I've said that I am not rich, I've shown my 1 bedroom apartment in LA via video chat, and I told her that I was self employed. I've told her that I will work hard and make sacrifices for us. I have been trying to reassure her that everything will be fine as long as we work together, we work hard, and believe in our relationship. If she and her son comes over to the US through the fiance visa, she cannot work for a year. When she found that out she had a hard time dealing with it. She has been a single mother for 7 years. She has been independent for that same time too and now, she will be taking the risk of putting her son and her life in someone else's hands(mine). Her stress has got me stressed too. Please send me any advice or whatever else that is relevant. Thank you.

[Moon]

You won't like this, and I'm sorry about that. Checking your profile, it says your relationship only started in November, that is not a very long time! Are you sure she's in this for the right reasons? If she's that desperate to immigrate, is it really YOU she loves, or the idea of moving west? Be very careful here, and make damn sure she's in love with you and not an idea, she seems awfully eager to put her and her son's well being into the hands of someone she barely knows. I'm suspicious because of the pressure she's putting on you with this after so short a time. Sure I could be totally off base here, but I urge you to at least think about it. You could end up losing everything you've worked for if her intentions aren't honest. Sorry to be a downer, but I had to say something. Good luck.

[flux5959]

Thanks Moon. I was aware of the pitfalls of foreign long distance relationships. I had a bad one go sour on me already. She actually doesn't want to go to the US. She insists of going to another Asian country so that we can be a family unit and be together. She feels that the fiance visa process is too long and expensive, which I had already anticipated and researched. I've told her that if I move out of the US, I won't be making as much money and I had to restart my career which in itself is very hard. The other reason that she wants to leave her country is that her son's father wants to have equal custody of him even though they never got married. He is supposedly connected and rich over there. But he is one of those deadbeat dads who wants to say that he has a son(typical Asian bragging stance) but not live up to the responsibilities of having a son. Yes, our relationship started recently and fast. But the connections we made were uncanny. We both can't believe it and explain it. You know, that feeling of someone you always knew but was not there until now. I still have a hard time describing this.

[mllebamako]

Kind of not related to your original question but....isn't her son's father going to not allow him to leave the country? Most countries require some sort of signed statement from the other parent permitting international travel under the age of 18.

[flux5959]

She has full custody of her son. at the moment he can leave with her without his consent. I asked her that in the beginning. however, she feels like that if he finds out or he gets suspicious he will try to bribe the courts or whoever to grant him equal custody because he is connected to the right authorities and he has the money. part of our problem is when the fiance visa is approved, we have to sneak out of Asia. We already talked about going to other Asian countries to throw the father off or go to some US city and then road trip back to my place to throw him off. But at the moment, I feel like that I'm losing her because of the stress and burden she is carrying at the moment. thanks for your reply. I replied to your thread too. Stay on track. Believe.

[mllebamako]

Great that she has full custody. That situation just sounds crazy. I'm sorry it's causing you both so much stress.

So are you applying for the k1 fiance visa then? Or moving to somewhere else with her? It all sounds like some major life changes to be happening after not knowing each other too long. Although, I shouldn't judge on this issue because I got engaged early by American standards.

[flux5959]

I'm trying to push for the K-1 visa but she is bothered by the long process and expenses. Plus the law that when she and her son is allowed entry to the states, she cannot work for a year. So, she is pushing for us moving to another country in Asia so she can leave her country ASAP, we don't have to go through the K-1 visa process, be together, be a family unit, and work together to save up money and then move back into the US. But, my stance on the matter is that either way, we have to go through US immigration(K-1 or K-3 visa, and both are long and expensive). Also, I have to restart my career and most likely make less money outside the US. Sigh. Trying to be positive about this and trying to reassure her. I'm not stressing out about immigration, since I have several years dealing with them when I went through my US citizenship application. I'm stressing out more on her losing sight of our common goal and doubt of our relationship. I feel that I'm losing her from our last online chat.

[Silviar]

Man, you've got a lot of stress loads. I read this and your blog post, and I have to say - you guys have a long, uphill battle, but if you're both committed to it, you CAN do it.

I think you need to have a frank chat with her about the fact that visas cannot be rushed. You just can't. And really, they shouldn't be - what you both need are time to go through that process and see how you handle it together as a couple. It will tell you a lot about how you handle other challenges in life.

The amount you have to make in order to do a K-1 visa isn't super high. I would suggest signing up for visajourney and asking visa specific questions there, as they'll have some great ideas on helping you with your American visa process for her.

It sounds to me like she wants to escape. No matter where she goes, she's going to experience frustration, difficulties, and roadblocks, no matter where she goes. A visa or another country isn't a magical freedom pass to make life chipper and grand. If she's serious about wanting to move to another country first - well, that's really her business and not yours, isn't it? Suggest to her she look up how she move, how she's going to support herself and her son, and the costs associated with it. In the end, that will only end up delaying you doing an American visa, I suspect, but if it's going to be awhile for you, it may be better option for her.

Visas and government red tape is some of the most stressful things you can possibly do. I suggest when you've had your fill of visa talk, take a break, step away, and think of it as an education course - you'll keep learning new things, new avenues, and you can find something that suits you and your situation. Going down the visa path myself, trust me, I understand.

You'll make it mate - you just gotta both know when to go and when to take a break... and how to be a team.

[flux5959]

Silviar, thank you for the support. Your words helps a lot. I already have been using visajourney and downloaded piles and piles of paperwork. My vacation has turned into a working vacation. My hotel room has become my office away from home. I've dropped everything to work on the application and doing research. I've even done research of the US embassy in her country so she can have the info in her fingertips. You are right that we have to be both committed to this in order for it to work. I have trying to reassure her and tell her that we need to stay focused and work hard on this. Trying to take this day by day.

[Karringtyn]

I know nothing about immigration and all that...but I just wanted to welcome you and tell you that I hope your stresses can lower for you...this is a happy time of your life and shouldn't be brought down by all of this!

[xopookie]

Wow, you're really nice for doing all this for her but be really careful because it does sound a little suspicious like she's using you for a ticket to get out of there and then might bail out on you..but that sounds really hard because it sounds like you're really committed to your career. I don't know I'd just be weary....