I dont know if I am just being crazy or not.

[IggyPunk]

Recently I caught my SO on a "hook up" iphone app with pretty racy photos. When I confronted him about it. His response was that he was just looking. That the profile was from before us and he didnt realize what photos he had on his profile. He told me that he messsed up and he was sorry. He told me that he loves me and that I am his life. I dont know whether to believe him or not. This is the first time he has messed up in our year of relationship. He has always told me that he is not that type of person, that he would never cheat on me, but his profile tells me different. Actions speak louder than words right? After much crying, deliberation and talking it through with my friends I decided to give him a second chance considering this is the first mistake (that I know of) in our relationship on his part. I told him that he has major groveling to do. I expressed what my needs were to gain reassurance and to start down the road of recovery..Two days go by and he has not acted on those needs. He says the reason he hasnt because it would seem that he is only doing it because I told him to. I told him how is he supposed to know WHAT i need if I dont express it. He isnt a mind reader, but to express my needs and not have them acted on, what am I supposed to think? That he doesnt care right.

Maybe I am just nagging, maybe i am asking too much. I just know that I hurt and he is 300 miles away and I cant trust his word right now, and that I am relying on his actions to show me different. Im not even asking for much, an ecard, song lyrics anything that shows he took the time to really think about how much he loves me, and yet still nothing.

I realize that you cant have EVERY need met in a relationship, but I feel in this case I NEED these needs to be met in order for me to move on. He is content to just act like it never happened. He went all day yesterday without even asking how I was doing and instead sent me a bunch of video texts of an event with people i dont even know. Am I just being crazy? Am I over-reacting? Is it really that important to have my needs met to move on? I feel like I need therapy.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think you have every right to be upset over the app regardless of whether it was 'before you' or not. He should have deleted it. And if your trust is maimed from that, which I can see it is, then he does need to find a way to fix it. Instead of letting him figure it out, you told him how you felt it should be done based on your needs and he feels he shouldn't have to because you told him to. Some guys, unfortunately, see that yeah they screwed up but it was no huge deal or they already said sorry therefore it's history. It's still bothering you and it's bothering you that he's not making you feel any better.

Have you tried talking with him further about it, explaining you're still uncomfortable with the incident and that he's not respecting your wishes/needs? This is something you have to confront him about and not let fester up in your mind otherwise it could do some serious damage. If he doesn't want to do what you asked, then ask him to do something he comes up with instead of ignoring it because that was honestly a major deal. You're right in saying we can't always have our needs met, but in this case I think giving you peace of mind is important.

[IggyPunk]

Thanks for your reply. The issue wasnt that his profile was old or before it was that I caught him online. He was online on that app when I caught him. It would have been one thing if it was old and he hadnt ever been on it since but he was. He was "looking" for what I dont know....

I have been completely open and honest about every feeling, fear, doubt I have and he just shuts down. I told him what I needed and he hasnt acted on it which leads me to believe he doesnt care.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well that's a bigger issue then. Like I said, he should've deleted the app when he entered the relationship. I can't say what he was thinking as I'm not in his head, but it seems like he either wasn't thinking or thought just browsing was alright so long as he wasn't engaging in anything, which, pardon my French, is a bullshit excuse.

If he's not expressing himself to you, I might suggest couple's counseling though I'm not sure how that would work out LD. I'd still try and talk with him and if he shuts down, call him out on it (try not to be accusing, though) and see what happens, if he reacts at all.

[IggyPunk]

I agree bullshit excuse. I have continued to talk to him and I have had no response in over an hour. I told him that I hope he enjoys his day and that I will leave him alone. Ill talk when he wants to talk if he ever wants to. If he doesnt then I know to not continue to waste my time and energy putting additional stress on my self for something that isnt even my mistake. If he doesnt fix it then there is no relationship to fix.

[LadyMarchHare]

Yeah, the ball needs to be in his court right now, there's no use in you stressing yourself more. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[true_survivor_586]

ok so my view on this is a little different, you are putting all the blame on him but in my eyes i dont think he did anything wrong, unless you two have talked about lookin at sexual pictures in your relationship and he told you he wasnt going to . a lot of these "dating" pages are just a bunch of girls showing their stuff. your telling him to grovel and a relationship is a two way street, him kissing your butt in my eyes is not going to take your hurt away, why not do a middle ground and ask him to remove it in every way and just apologize and you will let it go?

[LadyMarchHare]

ok so my view on this is a little different, you are putting all the blame on him but in my eyes i dont think he did anything wrong, unless you two have talked about lookin at sexual pictures in your relationship and he told you he wasnt going to . a lot of these "dating" pages are just a bunch of girls showing their stuff. your telling him to grovel and a relationship is a two way street, him kissing your butt in my eyes is not going to take your hurt away, why not do a middle ground and ask him to remove it in every way and just apologize and you will let it go?

I agree that having him grovel and the like isn't the answer, hence my suggestions to talk about it, but how is him browsing that type of thing not wrong unless they set boundaries beforehand? You can't come prepared for everything on day one. Besides she mentioned the app was for hook ups, he could've been doing anything besides just looking.

[Mara]

The part that bothers me in all of this is he doesn't seem at all concerned about your feelings. I don't think you should have to tell your boyfriend not to be looking at those types of photos or going on those types of apps and the fact that he did says to me that he doesn't care enough about your feelings because common sense says you aren't going to be happy or okay about that. If he seems remorseful that's one thing, but acting like nothing happened is another especially when you have been so upset about things and the two of you are long distance.

[Silviar]

Bottom line is: you need to decide if this is acceptable to you or not. And his response to you will tell you if you need to break up. I hope this isn't the case, but if he feels it's ok to hook up while you think you're in a solid, committed relationship, clearly there's a difference in what you think of your relationship make-up. I think a talk about your expectations and what each of you thinks of where you're at is in order.

[delhommefan]

I don't think you are being crazy. But one of the posters mentioned he may have simply been looking at pictures, not actually trying to hook up. STILL, he needs to just communicate with you and be honest about what his intentions were. My SO is very open with me about what he looks at online and it doesn't bother me for that reason. Because I know he's just looking at a dirty picture and at the end of the day, I know he likes my pics even more so unless I thought he was acting on something, or it was becoming along the lines of addiction, I don't let it bother me. That being said, long distance is HARD! When your SO's tone isn't right for a few days, or you get less text messages, etc. it can make you think you are losing your mind. So you are correct that you have needs. I know personally I need a certain level of virtual attention and if I feel like thats falling off, I talk to him about it. We had an issue about a year ago where he just felt like there was no way out of the distance and we broke up for a few weeks. He didn't cheat but I still had a really hard time trusting him for probably 4-6 months. The breakup really came out of nowhere so it made me second guess everything and that feeling can make you feel crazy I know! If I caught my SO on a hookup site, I would be alarmed and probably less trusting too. i think you need to just really lay it all out, and ask what his intentions were. Ask him for 100% honesty...hopefully he can at least respect that request. Was is just to see free dirty pictures (harmless) or was is something else? Also if you ARE bothered by him looking at pics online, than thats a problem too, but he needs to be aware that you won't accept that. (((HUGS)))

[Karringtyn]

Was he looking at pictures or actively looking to "hook up?" Boundaries need to be set certainly. If you guys have been together for over a year and this is the first "issue"...I truly would work work work at it. I agree the "groveling" isn't cool.

Just talk about it. Let him clearly know how you feel and then yes..the ball is in his court.

[IggyPunk]

Silviar -I couldnt agree more. I wouldnt do this to him.

[xopookie]

Hmm question is why did he have this app. in the first place?!!! and #2 Why does he still have this app.?! If he feels there's nothing wrong then I think he's doing something more than that.....are these chicks accessible...

[TknandLvnIt]

Hmmm in my opinion this would be a forgive and forget moment not to remember it. I think that asking him to daily prove his love to you in a certain way is going to be more harmful than helpful. Yes he was wrong and yes he should work on regaining your trust but it should be enough for him to know that. Its a bit harder from a distance but maybe he feels like its being forced rather than him actually trying to regain your trust. Explicit is good but sometimes you really need to learn to allow them to learn...this makes me think of the 5 love languages book my SO and i havent read it but we did talk about the ideas and instead of making it a chore or something to get himself out of the dog house make it something that will be mutually beneficial to your relationship...that's just my suggestion sorry if it sounds harsh.