Balancing different needs for together & alone time

[hippomambo]

Hi everyone. I'm still pretty new to this whole thing. The only major issue my SO and I are having is that we have different needs when it comes to how much time we interact.
I know that we have very different lives. I'm the mother of 2 (11&13), a full-time student and looking for work. He lives with his parents & works part-time. He has a LOT of free time.
Though his words are "if you need time to yourself that's okay" his response to me actually taking time for myself is not positive (the only time it seems genuinely okay is if it's for studying or my kids). We spend from 1 - 10 hours a day together online in skype or our mmo of choice. To me that's a very big chunk of time but I get from him that it's not enough. Add to that I'm a very social person online. I have a lot of friends in the mmo we play and he gets pretty upset if he hears me typing to someone in game. In the 6 months we've been together I don't think I've been able to have 1 single full conversation with another person in game.
Basically, it comes down to the fact that I have many demands pulling me in a million directions and I don't want to feel like he's another demand. His constant need for my attention is starting to cause this and I hate feeling like that.
I've encouraged him to reconnect with friends IRL and DO things but he chooses not to. I try to make as much time as I can for him (sometimes to the point of neglecting things that I NEED to do) and yet it feels like it's not enough.
I want this to work but it feels like the more he pulls the more he's causing me to push away.
Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[nicole]

I think you need to sit down with him and lay down some boundaries. As important as spending time together is, you can't let your relationship bleed into and dictate other aspects of your life. You need to tell him, you do not have as much free time as he does, and what free time you have, some of it has to go to yourself and to your life around you other then him. I advise suggesting that he picks up a hobby, or even another part-time job to kill some time? I think he is busier, he won't demand so much attention from you all the time.

When skyping, and you have something to do, just say "We can talk for X amount of time, then I HAVE to do this". If you explain clearly what you need from this relationship; time, space etc, he should respond, or try to work on the issue. But I really would suggest he do something to fill in a lot of that extra time he has, as that looks to be the main issue here.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree wholeheartedly with nicole. The guy needs a hobby. Just because he has time doesn't mean you do and can drop everything in your life to make him happy, that's selfish and stupid. You have a life, you have kids, you have things that need to be done and he needs to know that you going off to do your own thing or handle something does not mean he matters less in your life it's just that you have your hands full and when you can honestly sit down and goof off with him, you will. Does your guy not have friends in the area he can invite over or go to their houses and have guys' night or something?

[chwdg10]

I admit I have been like your SO at times. My boyfriend seems to have more free time than me and even when while we spent a ton of time together each day, I would still feel like it wasn't enough. I would be difficult when he wanted time to himself. I'm a lot better about it now because I've found more things to keep me occupied.

Tell him how you feel first. Then I suggest he try and find more things to keep him busy. You could also set one day or night a week to devote time to each other in case you get busy the rest of the week. Then he knows he's guaranteed some more of your time. I think the big thing is just missing each other. I believe that's what caused me to act that way. I just really missed him.

[sabby64]

I'm kind of like your SO, but not with such an extreme need for attention... I think setting a for sure date night would help, where you guys hang out the same night every week and nothing gets in the way, because I know that's what keeps me going when my SO is really busy.

[hippomambo]

Well, I spoke to him. I made sure to voice my concerns about our relationship in "I" messages and made it clear that I want the relationship to work and that these are things I see we need to work on. His response was first that he thought this was my way of breaking up with him (I made clear that's not the case). Next he came out with a pet peeve of mine he said "I guess I just can't do anything right". To me that's an attempt at emotional manipulation (to make me feel bad/sorry for him). He also threw out another red flag...he said "I'll try to change to be who you want me to be". WTH?? I never got any real confirmation that he's on board with me having more time to myself at all. To top it all off in the MMO we play there are 3 people I would chat with from time to time...just friendly chit chat and often about in game stuff (game mechanics, professions, etc) and he pretty much told me he doesn't want me talking to one of my friends. The funny part is this guy would be the LAST person I would be interested in as he is married and has had an online affair on his wife (hello that's what my last husband did to me!). I'm watching cautiously but I'm getting a creepy controlling vibe and I don't like it. I'm actually starting to dislike what I once considered romantic gestures (poems, links to songs, etc). I love him and he loves me but I just don't know what to do.

[lucybelle]

It sounds like you two are in different places in your life. I had a relationship where we were like that, and it was very difficult. If you two don't come to see things from the other's point of view (him for you AND you for him) then it'll be very tough to communicate.

[snow_girl]

Have you met your SO in person? The things you have said about him sound a little off. How long have you been together? If he is starting to be a little controlling, telling you that you can't chat with people and wants your full attention all time I would definitely be aware of any of this progressing and end it if need be.

[MrsExPrez]

Hmm.. well his responses ARE red flags. It sounds like you are a smart cookie and can read into people well. I'd keep an eye on that!

[Sarah M]

Unfortunately, he sounds a bit intense. I mean 1-10 hours IS a lot of time. The only reason I can Skype my man for hours on end is because we set aside that time and it only happens once a week, not every day! The pressure on you is not fair, especially with your children and studies. Talk to him about it, and if he doesn't understand he either needs time or you need someone else. I hope you can sort this out!