She's growing distant

[troyrm85]

Okay so me and my SO have been together on and off for 6 years or so. Most of the time it was a LDR so his isn't something new to us. We've maybe have 1 1/2 to 2 years actually together. Anyway she seems to be growing very distant. We're not the same way we were when we first got back together. Understandable seeing as the whole puppy love/ new relationship wears off. It just seems the closer I get to being back with her again the less interested in me she is. She is no longer interested in having 'private' time. I bring it up and there is always some reason not to. She doesn't come after me about it either. The e-mails grow shorter and shorter. Yesterday on average they had like 4 or 5 words. The phone calls are either good or bad. I guess the biggest thing that bothers me is Facebook. It doesn't show me when she posts on other peoples stuff or adds people. I'm not all the FB savy but something seems weird about that. Some of her 'friends' are guys she had former relations with. It would bother me so much if these weren't guys that she cheated on me with. I'm not saying I was perfect throughout our whole relationship it just attracts my attention. I asked what was up with that and she got so pissed. She has made me removed 'friends' from mine for similar reasons. I don't get what the deal is. The dudes aren't like anywhere near her it just kinda bothers me. Well anyway getting to the point. I'm not sure what to do with all this. I try and have as much contact with her as possible. I send pics, videos, I've been writing letters (still in the mail) I don't know what else I can do. Maybe I'm making myself too aviable to her. I mean I e-mail her at work and call her everyday after work. Why is there the feeling that she is so distant? I guess I'm looking for something I can do to make things better or something I can do to help spark the relationship more. Atleast get her more interested in 'us'.

[Rach321]

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. I would be bothered if I knew my guy was talking a lot to the people he had been with before (especially if he was unfaithful to me with them). Are you sure she's talking to them?

Facebook's tough. It can be a nice way to be in touch, but it can also cause conflict. If you go directly to her profile, can you see her facebook wall? If not, ask her if she's made it so that no one can see it. That's possible. Try not to approach her to strongly about it or tell her she must do something (like remove the friends), since that will probably make her defensive. But tell her why it makes you uncomfortable.

It's important that you have trust in your relationship. This is hard when there is a history of cheating and you're so far away.

It's also normal that couples are closer and more distant at times during a deployment. No matter what you do, it's still really hard at times. For me, I get frustrated that I can't call my SO when I want, or I get frustrated with email. I don't feel overly distant, but I can see why my SO might feel that way. He's also more distant than other times as well. Often times it's because of things that are happening that he can't really talk to me about, but I've learned that it's not because he doesn't love me.

The best advice I can give you is to try to talk to her about how you're feeling, in a calm and loving way. Ask her to be completely honest with you, for good or for bad.

[snarfasaurus]

Man, I'm going through the exact same thing right now
Maybe not down to the detail, but the whole SO becoming disinterested thing
The best advice I can give to you is to just make little subtle hints of your affection, don't make my mistake and smother your SO with letters/txts/emails/call etcetc. Odds are she's just going through a phase, and it'll wear off within time, you just need to truck it through the hard times like a champion. The facebook thing I don't know what to tell you about man, maybe bring it up next time you guys are together?

Sorry if I didn't help much, but that's what I could offer, good luck mate, may we both get through our current trials victorious

[troyrm85]

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. I would be bothered if I knew my guy was talking a lot to the people he had been with before (especially if he was unfaithful to me with them). Are you sure she's talking to them?

Facebook's tough. It can be a nice way to be in touch, but it can also cause conflict. If you go directly to her profile, can you see her facebook wall? If not, ask her if she's made it so that no one can see it. That's possible. Try not to approach her to strongly about it or tell her she must do something (like remove the friends), since that will probably make her defensive. But tell her why it makes you uncomfortable.

It's important that you have trust in your relationship. This is hard when there is a history of cheating and you're so far away.

It's also normal that couples are closer and more distant at times during a deployment. No matter what you do, it's still really hard at times. For me, I get frustrated that I can't call my SO when I want, or I get frustrated with email. I don't feel overly distant, but I can see why my SO might feel that way. He's also more distant than other times as well. Often times it's because of things that are happening that he can't really talk to me about, but I've learned that it's not because he doesn't love me.

The best advice I can give you is to try to talk to her about how you're feeling, in a calm and loving way. Ask her to be completely honest with you, for good or for bad.

I'm not 100% sure that she is talking to them. I can see her wall and that stuff but her friends number will go up and nowhere does it say she added someone. I'll ask and she just says 'idk'. It's pretty annoying. I did tell her that it bothered me about the guys and asked her if she would delete them but she said no. I just let it go, it's not worth fighting over. If she's gonna cheat on me again me trying to be controlling and everything isn't going to stop her. I just hope she'll be honest about it.

Trust is massive in any relationship more so for LDR. I do my best to trust and not let small things get to me. Being deployed though kinda screws all that up. When you have multiple guys you work with getting divorced during the deployment and cheating spouses the small things can see really big.

I try and keep my cool when I talk to her about that stuff. She has a short fuse and tends to blow up some. It's all so frustrating I just gonna remember I don't have that much time left here.

[Karringtyn]

Hang in there. I can't stand facebook because it truly can cause many troubles...I have almost deleted it many times...

Keep those lines open....and work with her and the short fuse...that isn't going to be good....it took a lot of work for me to learn not to blow up quickly....

We are here to listen.....

[Stina83]

Alright, I don't mean to come off as harsh here, but under no circumstances is it ok that your gf stay friends on FB with people she cheated with. That's just not acceptable, and I would be so pissed if this was my SO. Honestly, I wouldn't be with him anymore if he cheated on me, especially if it happened several times, which it sounds like in your case? But that's a different story.. I'm on your side with this completely. How does she expect you to regain trust in her and feel comfortable in your relationship, if she's friends with these people on Facebook, even after you ask her to delete them? It sounds like she just doesn't care! If I were you, I'd talk to her about this, tell her how you feel (no yelling or blaming) and leave it to her. Tell her that you're not comfortable with her being friends with these men on Facebook, and that you need her to understand that you can't trust her, if she acts like this. If she really wants to stay in this relationship, she'll understand and do what it takes. Either way, I'm a firm believer in communication. Without it, the relationship suffers.
Good luck with everything, I hope it works out for you

[Miramaid]

my SO had a big problem with my FB because i liked to "clean" my page and i did it on a regular basis without thinking about it for a second. There are things that i want to be on my page (photos and statuses) and all the other crap that FB puts on it i do not want on my page so i clean it. But he thought it was a BS and that i made it up and was hiding smth from him... I never was but i stopped doing that so just he is happy. It did not help. He was suspicious of all my friends and i imagine scanned each and single one. I had to delete one, one deleted me...
I never cheated on him tho so i wont comment that one.

To the point: i think after 6 years of LDR, even after 1 or two years me, as a girl, would ask myself "where is it going?" and if after 6 years there is still no moves towards developing a relationship and taking it to the next level, i would give up inside and i would think that the guy just likes to be on a distance and he doesn't wnat to ever advance the relationship. I would talk to him about it but i know not all women would so...That is what i think

[Rach321]

To the point: i think after 6 years of LDR, even after 1 or two years me, as a girl, would ask myself "where is it going?" and if after 6 years there is still no moves towards developing a relationship and taking it to the next level, i would give up inside and i would think that the guy just likes to be on a distance and he doesn't wnat to ever advance the relationship. I would talk to him about it but i know not all women would so...That is what i think

That's true, but in another thread he explained that they recently got back together and he's currently deployed overseas, so he really can't do anything about hat.

Try not to focus on what's happening with everyone around you. I'm really sorry to hear that so many people are divorcing/breaking up. We're not married, and when he left we had some troubles, but I wouldn't think of being unfaithful to him no matter how hard things got.

And I know things are hard right now, but don't obsess about it too much (not saying you are- this is just how I tend to react). If you feel like you're giving too much, or more than her, then maybe ease up a bit. I wouldn't completely cut contact, but don't give so much that you feel unappreciated.

I don't like that she won't remove the exes, especially since she asked the same of you. Does she give a reason for why she won't? I don't like to feel like I'm being told what to do, but if my SO explained to me why it bothered him, I would be more likely to do what he asked.

[troyrm85]

my SO had a big problem with my FB because i liked to "clean" my page and i did it on a regular basis without thinking about it for a second. There are things that i want to be on my page (photos and statuses) and all the other crap that FB puts on it i do not want on my page so i clean it. But he thought it was a BS and that i made it up and was hiding smth from him... I never was but i stopped doing that so just he is happy. It did not help. He was suspicious of all my friends and i imagine scanned each and single one. I had to delete one, one deleted me...
I never cheated on him tho so i wont comment that one.

To the point: i think after 6 years of LDR, even after 1 or two years me, as a girl, would ask myself "where is it going?" and if after 6 years there is still no moves towards developing a relationship and taking it to the next level, i would give up inside and i would think that the guy just likes to be on a distance and he doesn't wnat to ever advance the relationship. I would talk to him about it but i know not all women would so...That is what i think

To the point: i think after 6 years of LDR, even after 1 or two years me, as a girl, would ask myself "where is it going?" and if after 6 years there is still no moves towards developing a relationship and taking it to the next level, i would give up inside and i would think that the guy just likes to be on a distance and he doesn't wnat to ever advance the relationship. I would talk to him about it but i know not all women would so...That is what i think[/QUOTE]

She says she doesn't delete anything from her FB. Idk, I'm just gnna have to iggnore it. There isn't anything that I can do so whatever. Throughout our relationship of the six years we have broken up i believe 4 times. The largest gap was about 8 months or so before we got back together. The last time I was deployed we talked about marriage but things fell through when after a few months of being home. We are again talking about moving foward and towards marriage. We'll see how all that works out and what not. I see what your sayig about 'where's it going?'. I actually am the same way I haven't stayed with a girl that I didn't see i going somewhere past the norm.

[troyrm85]

That's true, but in another thread he explained that they recently got back together and he's currently deployed overseas, so he really can't do anything about hat.

Try not to focus on what's happening with everyone around you. I'm really sorry to hear that so many people are divorcing/breaking up. We're not married, and when he left we had some troubles, but I wouldn't think of being unfaithful to him no matter how hard things got.

And I know things are hard right now, but don't obsess about it too much (not saying you are- this is just how I tend to react). If you feel like you're giving too much, or more than her, then maybe ease up a bit. I wouldn't completely cut contact, but don't give so much that you feel unappreciated.

I don't like that she won't remove the exes, especially since she asked the same of you. Does she give a reason for why she won't? I don't like to feel like I'm being told what to do, but if my SO explained to me why it bothered him, I would be more likely to do what he asked.

I try and tune out what's happeing to my buddies. I just feel bad for them. The whole 'Dear John' thing is just something that really gets to me. I can't see what would posses people to do some of the things they do. I do kinda obsess over stupid stuff sometimes. I'm basically stuck here and that's just stuff that gets stuck in my head. I've been trying the whole less contact thing. I still call regularly and stuff but everything else just kinda fell off. She said she wont delete them because they're good friends to her and even though she blew them off before (a prevous request from me due to the cheating) they were still willing to be friends with her again. Me and her are the same way with being told what to do. I told her it bothered me and to kinda hurt that I had to lose mine but she's not willing to do the same. She just kinda didn't make a comment and said she wouldn't delete them. Idk, I just blew it off she's gonna do what she wants.

[Rach321]

Hope things are going better now!