Talking about the future too MUCH??

[nicole]

Ok this is a bit complicated but bare with me...

My SO left after his visit nearly 2 weeks ago, and I've notices a change in our communications ever since he left. I hit a bad patch, and finally cracked under the PhD plans. I'm not being pessimistic for the sake of it, I honestly do not think I am smart enough to do it, and even if I was, I'm not sure I want to do it. School is driving me mad, I'm sick of it and just want to get OUT into a job which has an actual purpose, instead of pointless stuff like memorizing the taxonomy of a hag fish...

Which of course means my SO and I have had to look at other options- the K1 visa first and foremost, we're also looking at the CR-1. Not in much detail yet, as I have exams (last one tomorrow eeep) but we're looking into it. We're thinking, because all the visa stuff looks like it's going to coast $2500 at least, we would just get the marriage papers all signed and sealed once the K1 or whatever is given to us, and deal with the whole change of status stuff, then we would wait 2-3 years and have a "proper" wedding once we had time to save up without all the immigration worries, so we can have a nice day to celebrate.

Whilst I am glad we have back-up plans and such, now it is ALL we talk about. We talk and talk and talk, getting nowhere further, till we both have headaches, then we just watch TV and don't talk about anything else. This worries me a lot. We seem to be so focused on the future, we're not maintaining the relationship we have NOW. We could be fighting so hard for our future that when we're done, we might realise we lost what we were fighting for on the way.

We've been emailing back and forth today and I told him my above concerns. He was asking me if I was trying to be "noble" and break it off with him because of all the stress and pressure that this is on him. I told him I'm in this 100% but was concerned that he was having doubts- I wouldn't blame him, I've been a ball of nerves and not very pleasant to be with these past two weeks (who decided exams in january were a good idea btw??). I told him I was concerned about our lack of communication concerning our present lives, he didn't see we had a problem.

In the last email I sent I said I think it would be good to take a break from talking about visa stuff for the next week or so, and focus on just trying to be happy with each other now, and that I think he should arrange to spend a weekend visiting his best-friend soon, seeing as the past couple of weekends we have spent stressing out over the visa stuff. He hasn't replied in the last 3 hours and I think he is mad with me He normally takes at the most 2 hours to reply to me- even if he is busy, he'll send me a little message telling me so. I only wanted to make things better for us and take the stress off for a bit, but I think I've just succeeded in creating another mess. What do I do??

(and for those who read through all of that, thank you! )

[snow_girl]

I think that if he isn't focused on the future, getting married just for the sake of being together is a horrible idea! Do it for the right reasons or it might not last. You shouldn't drop your schooling just to be with him, finish it up (yes its boring) but when your finished you can get a good job with your degree. I wouldn't quit it for someone that can't acknowledge the future.

[mllebamako]

Yeah I think that you guys should back off the visa talk---for your own sanity. What I do with visa stuff so it doesn't drive me nuts:

1. I schedule a 2-3 chunk of time every weekend to work on it. Outside of that time I DO NOT allow myself to worry, surf around visajourney, look at anything in our visa folder, etc.
2. Usually that same night, my SO and I will talk about whatever is necessary to discuss for the visa. So maybe we talk about what needs to get done for 15-20 minutes. And then we drop it.

There is no need to stress both of you out so much over this and let it hurt the current relationship. Like you said, you talk and talk and talk and get nowhere! It's like that, IMO, with immigration business. You gotta just break it down into little pieces and do bits at a time. And don't rush yourselves. It won't be the end of the world if immigration stuff takes you a few months longer than you hoped for.

Hope that helps

[nicole]

ah nono, I might not have been clear, I am in my bachelors now, though I hate it, I am one semester away from graduating, so I'm sticking it out, it's definitely not worth dropping out. it's AFTERWARDS which is the problem.

I'm going over there in june for a month once my exams are over, and we're most likely getting engaged around that point. It's just our plans for the future are taking over our relationship at present, which is what I'm having worries about =/

Edit: and mllebamako, I will suggest that way of looking at it, if he is talking to me today =/ it's just when there is a puzzle to solve he must try to solve it straight away, but it's driving a wedge between us at the moment.

[Gelfling]

That does sound rough, and I'd probably want to talk about something other than bureaucracy with my SO for a bit, too. I wonder if he's hearing "I don't want to talk about our future together anymore" plus "Don't hang out with me for a weekend" in the same email and that's what's so upsetting to him?

I think if your goal is to rekindle the fun parts of your relationship, maybe send a follow-up email telling him that was your intention, and that maybe pushing him to go away for a weekend might have been counterproductive* to that goal. Something along the lines of "sure, go hang with your friends if /you/ want to, but what I'd really like is a chance to just hang with you and play checkers over Skype (or whatever)"?

* It isn't totally counterproductive, really, because hanging out with people other than our SO gives us things to talk about with the SO later, plus makes us well-rounded partners and so on and so forth, but let that slide for now.

[snow_girl]

I'd have a general idea of the future but no matter how much you plan chances are they won't go the way you want them to anyway. Thats what I have learned anyway. My boyfriend and I have had several plans and one thing doesn't work and they whole plan is out the window. Like you said you don't want to miss out on the stuff along the way. Enjoy now and worry about the future when hes willing to talk about it and its closer to making those decisions.

[garnet]

I think only you can know if you are done with school or not! Don't stay in just to stay in. Your true happiness might be around another corner.

As someone who has lived through the K1 and status change (of my husband, not me), I can say you guys might be happier and better off taking one to two times a week where you talk about it and plan plan plan. On the other days, focus on the now! You wont have a relationship to close the distance of, if you both don't take care of each other and stay happy in this moment, imo. Talking and thinking about immigration 24/7 is too much. It buries you. :-l

[lucybelle]

I must say I disagree with snow_girl. I think a convenience marriage is just fine if you both know it's for convenience. I was totally for it, but my SO wasn't so we didn't do it. Anyways..

I think you should definitely lay off the stressful talk for a while. I agree with the above posts-- make a time for visa discussion and that's it.

As far as school is concerned it seems like you might be majoring in biology (or some science?)! That was my major. Just a few tips-- there's gonna be stuff you hate, and then you'll find the section you LOVE. I personally love environmental science. Organic chemistry and cell physiology were totally wasted on me. I wanted to learn about birds and plants. Anyways, some of it seems pointless but I loved my major. Even if it is a whole bunch of memorizing parts (sclerenchyma cells!)

[nicole]

gelfling: Thank you! that made sense, it wasn't that I was pushing him away, just trying to help a little, but he might have seen it the former. I'll try explain it properly to him later, he messaged me when I went to bed, he didn't sound so mad so maybe he's had a think about the whole situation.

garnet: I totally agree, I just maybe think I worded that wrong in the emails =/ It's hard to get the right thing down in text sometimes without covering the "he might interpret that wrong" areas properly. Like I said, we will be engaged in June and when my final results come through, that's when I have to make the decision- marriage route or student visa. I think by that time, if we have to go the marriage route, with all the discussions we'll be having (but not ALL the time after this talk we will have), we'll be able to set the ball in motion straight away.

lucybelle: yeah with us it's sort of "half-convenience". The only thing stopping us saying we are engaged now is my lack of a ring- he is very traditional in that way. So our thinking is, we're wanting to marry anyway, we just will have to do it sooner rather then later. I am a biology major, and whilst I love the practical, it's the sitting in a classroom, taking exams aspect I am struggling with at the moment. I don't see the point in them and it's just generally making me unhappy, which makes me concerned about getting on the PhD program, as it more of the same, but with harder classes. Sometimes I think I would just be happy being a lab technician, not as prestigious as a research scientist, but I think it would make me happy... oh well I'm starting my new classes next week, I hope I enjoy these ones more then the last ones!

[DropkickDisco]

I can't talk from exact experience because I have never ever ever had to deal with a visa process. Brian and I live in the same country and even the same state, just on completely different sides of it.
HOWEVER... Brian and I are in the process of preparing for moving in together and starting college (we're going to the same one) and it's been the topic of discussion more than once in the past few days as we start to sort out what we need, what we have, what we WANT and how much it'll all cost us. For example, we spent a good two hours earlier talking about everything we could think of that we need for our apartment. It was a conversation that needed to be had. But we also spent a good two other hours talking about random stuff that's more in the now.

BUT as others have already said, there is a time for the future talk and a time for NOW talk. Balance is key. If you are going to end the distance within the next six months or something like that, then it is wise to talk a bit about future stuff (especially since the process for moving to another country is much more extensive) but if it's a year or more away? You guys have time! You have time to slowly figure things out about the future.

I imagine that he is most likely more hurt than angry, and slightly misunderstood what you were trying to say (The trials of non-voice and non-visual conversation! no tone of voice or body language to help correctly convey our messages) and heard you say "let's talk about the present more" and understood it as "I don't care about our future" and etc. Once he does talk to you, I would try and convey to him that you DO want to talk about the future but not ALL the time.

I hope I helped at least a little bit.

[DropkickDisco]

I can't talk from exact experience because I have never ever ever had to deal with a visa process. Brian and I live in the same country and even the same state, just on completely different sides of it.
HOWEVER... Brian and I are in the process of preparing for moving in together and starting college (we're going to the same one) and it's been the topic of discussion more than once in the past few days as we start to sort out what we need, what we have, what we WANT and how much it'll all cost us. For example, we spent a good two hours earlier talking about everything we could think of that we need for our apartment. It was a conversation that needed to be had. But we also spent a good two other hours talking about random stuff that's more in the now.

BUT as others have already said, there is a time for the future talk and a time for NOW talk. Balance is key. If you are going to end the distance within the next six months or something like that, then it is wise to talk a bit about future stuff (especially since the process for moving to another country is much more extensive) but if it's a year or more away? You guys have time! You have time to slowly figure things out about the future.

I imagine that he is most likely more hurt than angry, and slightly misunderstood what you were trying to say (The trials of non-voice and non-visual conversation! no tone of voice or body language to help correctly convey our messages) and heard you say "let's talk about the present more" and understood it as "I don't care about our future" and etc. Once he does talk to you, I would try and convey to him that you DO want to talk about the future but not ALL the time.

I hope I helped at least a little bit.