A bit of an update...it all hangs on this visit

[stacyrose]

So basically here's what it's come down to.

Me and my SO have gone back and forth over and over how we were going to end the distance. We finally decided that I would be the one to move. This was over a year ago. We've had two failed moving attempts due to many reasons including places I will stay and money on my end. Recently I made a post about his idea of me going to live with his grandmother (which I had many reservations about) and when I talked to him about it later he got angry so I dropped it.

A few days ago we had a talk, he's been acting distant and busy due to lots of work and school, and his family has been giving him unneeded pressure and stress on top of that, so it's not hard to say I've been pretty low on his day to day priority list, which I completely understood. He brings up the fact that he feels stretched too thin, and when I asked him if the distance was becoming too much for him, he said "Pretty much."

He then asked me hypothetical questions on if we broke up, "no hard feelings?" and such things like this. He assured me over and over not to get any ideas, he didn't want to break up, and he still loves me, he just feels torn in every direction and feels like he's failing at everything he is doing. That night I got off the computer and cried my eyes out because I couldn't get the idea of breaking up out of my mind; the way he talked about it made it seem so inevitable, and I was heartbroken.

After a few days to cool off, I finally got him online and had a serious talk, and I asked him to listen and respect my point of view and what I had to say. I told him that I feel as though I am giving up too much of myself, and compromising my own happiness besides having him in my life, to pacify his needs to have me there physically, without there being a smart and financial plan behind him. He always tells me I need to be my own person..and I told him in moving like this, relying on his family, I would be completely reliant on him and I didn't want that. If I'm going to move to be with someone in another state, I want to do it on my own two feet, and I want it to be with a future with HIM, not just shacking up with his relatives cus he's too impatient to do it the right way.

I understand why he gets frustrated...he's young and stupid, and feels as though he's wasting his life away waiting, even though he loves me, he just hates the absence of physical company. But I can tell that it's a struggle because he truly does love me and dosnt want to leave me...but he knows how serious I am, and I won't be making a move until we can both financially support ourselves in our own apartment, on our OWN, which is going to take far longer than he bargained for.

We have a visit planned in March, and on that visit, he will decide whether he wants to break up with me, or stick it out so we can plan towards a more solid future together. It just scares me because I truly have no idea where this is going...and I've never been so terrified of a visit before. He has two months exactly to think about it...and the thing that breaks my heart the most is that this visit could be the last time I ever see him.

I hope he sticks this out with me....but until this visit happens, I have no idea what the future will hold =[

[lucybelle]

Oh I'm so sorry things are going sour. I don't really like the idea of waiting until this certain date for HIM to decide whether or not to break up. First of all, putting an exact date on something isn't a good idea (in my opinion). If between now and then you decide to break up, don't wait until March. Or if you decide to stick it out. To me it seems arbitrary and putting you in a very painful position for two whole months.

I think he needs to put on his big boy pants and make a decision. It doesn't take two months. And a relationship cannot be one-sided, like it seems like it is now. You've done everything right for him. You laid down how you felt, that you support him and love him, that you will move, but on your own terms. That is extremely mature. If he decides to throw away something special then good riddance. It always hurts at first, but you know after a few gallons of rocky road ice cream you'll heal and move on.

I hope you can work things out to where both of you are happy. Good luck! And feel better

[stacyrose]

Oh I'm so sorry things are going sour. I don't really like the idea of waiting until this certain date for HIM to decide whether or not to break up. First of all, putting an exact date on something isn't a good idea (in my opinion). If between now and then you decide to break up, don't wait until March. Or if you decide to stick it out. To me it seems arbitrary and putting you in a very painful position for two whole months.

I think he needs to put on his big boy pants and make a decision. It doesn't take two months. And a relationship cannot be one-sided, like it seems like it is now. You've done everything right for him. You laid down how you felt, that you support him and love him, that you will move, but on your own terms. That is extremely mature. If he decides to throw away something special then good riddance. It always hurts at first, but you know after a few gallons of rocky road ice cream you'll heal and move on.

I hope you can work things out to where both of you are happy. Good luck! And feel better

See honestly, I wouldn't put a date on it like this, but the thing is, I'm a dancer, and I'm currently an assistant teacher (all expenses paid by the company) to go and assist, and the last day of my visit is the day I fly out to the city for the convention, and before we had this talk, I had called up the company and asked them to book my flight into the convention city OUT of Portland, so that way I could save on travel expenses and only have to buy a one way ticket to visit. They went through some hoops to make that happen for me, so I don't want to cancel on them, especially since there is a chance we can stay together. Honestly if I hadn't made this arrangement, I probably wouldn't have made the visit, and it would be over by now. So that's really what is solidifying the visit for now lol

[lucybelle]

I still don't like it. Don't cancel the trip. Go anyways and have a freaking blast. Go out to some museums, go see a show, go to the movies, be okay with being by yourself. That was always a huge step for me post break ups. Or hell, take a friend with you.

I really don't like this idea of "relationship limbo" you're going to be in for 2 months...

[mllebamako]

As soon as I read the OP, I was thinking....that's going to be a crappy 2 months. Seriously, you are going to be so stressed for 2 months. And that puts soooo much pressure on the visit in March.

Like Lucybelle said, he needs to put on his big boy pants. It's not fair to string you along and stress you out for 2 months. And Portland is a big city. If you guys aren't together at that point just make it a shorter trip and go be a tourist. Or if you don't want to do that, then just book your flight there for the same day as your flight out. It might seem silly to fly all the way to Portland and then somewhere else but who cares?! Don't let this one plane ticket force you into an uncomfortable and unfair situation.

[Mara]

I think right now he's just under a lot of stress and the distance on top of everything else is really getting to him. Especially since it seems the two of you just had a talk that the distance will be going on longer than what he would like. I'm hoping that he's just a little stretched thin right now and will come to his senses and decide that he's being silly and the distance isn't worth ending things with you over.

[Silviar]

Absolutely agreed with the fine ladies above. He needs to put on his adult pants and understand that life is waiting. You're not the first or the last thing he's going to have to deal with being freaking patient about. We're in a culture that celebrate instant gratification - he needs to learn how to get past that and realize that you can't instantly gratify the really important, big, and awesome things in your life.

[Stina83]

I completely agree with what has already been said here. It's not fair to put you in that position, he needs to make a decision. It's just too hard emotionally for you to go through this for 2 entire months. If he wants to break up he should do it now and give you the chance to move on with your life. I really do hope that it's only because he's under a lot of stress these days, I wish you all the best and hope you work this out!

[stacyrose]

I understand where all of you are coming from...believe me...I told him last night that if he makes up his mind beforehand, to let me know. I'm honestly hoping this is all getting right down to just being stressed, because for the most part we still act like a normal couple and the only difference is a nagging voice in the back of my mind. I guess all I can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Not much I can do at this point.