LDR with someone who travels a lot?

[roosie]

As some of you may already know, I'm dating a commercial pilot who is always travelling somewhere in the world. I was wondering if anyone else here lives in this chaos that others may call as a life as a pilot's girlfriend (or a wife or a boyfriend)? Or simply dates someone who travels a lot for work?

How do you deal with it? Do you have any routines? My SO is gone for at least 12 days a month. He lives in Hong Kong, 4800 miles away, so the time difference between us is 6 hours but some days it's only one when he is in Rome and the other day it can be 9 when he is in New Zealand. Enough said, having routines is quite hard. We try to talk everyday, even when he is gone but of course it's not possible when he is gone flying for 14 hours. Our routines depend on where he is. When he is in Rome, he always calls me at the same time near Pantheon because that's like the only place in the city where the connection is good enough.. It took us quite a long time and many "I'm.. the.. going to see.. Can't hear.. very.." phone calls to find that out. He is also quite tired after the trips so I can't except very deep conversations before he has got a good sleep and at least a litre of coffee.

I also know that in a way I will always be in LDR with him even if we close the distance. Once he gets promoted he will be gone even more. If we ever get children they won't see their dad very often. I knew this when we started dating and accepted it but sometimes I just worry about the future.. Taking care of the kids alone most of the time, probably in a foreign country. In addition I have joint disease that limits my ability to move. Would be nice to talk to someone with same thoughts.. Or even if you are not in a similar situation, how do you think you would deal with it and stay sane? Thanks!

[milaya]

My SO works on a ship, which means he is off to somewhere 5 weeks at the time. They do have internet on the ship, but he works 12 hour daily shifts (no weekends or such), meaning there's not that much talking time.
Sometimes it's bit hard and I envy those who can have long conversations with their SO everyday.

[lucybelle]

Well my SO doesn't travel often, but I thought I'd weigh in on another part. When I was growing up my dad was never around. He traveled to different places in the US and world to teach software classes. I don't know that I remember being cognizant of it while I was little, but thinking back now I have very few childhood memories of him. I even remember once that I was going on a field trip somewhere, my mom said she could be a chaperon and I asked if my dad could come instead. Since he was never around.

Anyways, I grew up and I'm fine. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though he might not be around a whole lot, it might not have a huge affect on your family.

[London-FortCollins]

I just want to say that I have the greatest amount of respect for your girls (and guys) that are in LDR with even more challenges to overcome.

But as with all challenges, the strong will overcome them and make your relationship even stronger, and even more worth it.

You guys are awesome! HUGE amount of respect for you!

[GatoGirl]

I'm doing my dissertation on LDRs, figuring I'm 'an expert' after being in one for 17 years now, and I found a bit of research that helped me a lot when my hb and I aren't able to communicate regularly due to our schedules. The research out there on LDRs is very consistent that couples who aren't able to have a regular routine for phone calls and visits are more stressed, BUT they are just as content with their relationships as not only other 'regular' LDRs, but folks who live with their SO. The stress/frustration is related to the situation, not the relationship. It helps me to keep that in mind during the times of the year when I can't communicate with my HB regularly. It's not him/me/us, it's just the situation. Hope that helps a bit.

[roosie]

@Milaya: 5 weeks.. I shouldn't probably say this but after reading that I felt really lucky for my SO being gone only shorter times at once. How much time he has between the work trips? I feel you. Conversations can be quite different when he is gone somewhere. At least I often feel that I don't want to bother him with some small issues. He is in charge of many people while flying (some of them might be in LDR, going to see their loved ones ) so I don't want him to work feeling upset. Your SO's work must be demanding as well.

@lucybelle: Thank you for sharing that! It's good to hear that our kids would grow up just fine. You often hear stories about parents (mostly dads) who are never home so they try to compensate for their absence with stuff. I wouldn't want our children to feel that way. I'm glad to hear how you felt about it. Are you close with your dad these days? If you don't mind me asking.

@London-FortCollins: Thank you ever so much for your words!

@GatoGirl: I must say I respect you a lot for being in LDR for 17 years! I completely agree with the research: it's almost always situation-related. I'm trying to remember that next time I feel really stressed about our relationship. I've been quite moody lately, crying etc. so it must be the situation, not him/me/us as you said. Thank you for sharing the results. That's why I wanted to talk to someone in similar situation.. to know if I'm crazy or if someone else is feeling the same way.

[milaya]

@Milaya: 5 weeks.. I shouldn't probably say this but after reading that I felt really lucky for my SO being gone only shorter times at once. How much time he has between the work trips?

He works for 5 weeks and then has 5 weeks vacation... in theory. In real life Japanese companies couldn't care less about people's holidays. So they often give him work training for 1-2 in the middle of his vacation or change his work schedule from one day to the other. So it's really hard to plan things. And it gives me more frustration that I can handle sometimes. The last time he had 5 weeks of vacation, and we then could be together for 4 weeks, was back in July. Since then... well... cancellations, frustration, arguments... etc.

[roosie]

He works for 5 weeks and then has 5 weeks vacation... in theory. In real life Japanese companies couldn't care less about people's holidays. So they often give him work training for 1-2 in the middle of his vacation or change his work schedule from one day to the other. So it's really hard to plan things. And it gives me more frustration that I can handle sometimes. The last time he had 5 weeks of vacation, and we then could be together for 4 weeks, was back in July. Since then... well... cancellations, frustration, arguments... etc.

I know exactly how it feels! My SO gets his next month's roster the 15th of every month so we can't really plan anything before that.. which gives us two weeks to plan the next month. The roster might also change due to delays, being asked to work while on reserve etc. He was actually coming to see me on Monday but since they cancelled his flight to Rome on Friday and put him on another flight the day later, he is going to miss his flight to Finland.. He will come a bit later so at least we get to see each other but things like that make us both quite frustrated and upset. I'm not very good at handling the disappointment, I just tend to get major upset and cry like a crazy. I blame him because before we started dating I wasn't such a crier. How often do you see each other? I understand that the cancellations might cause lots of arguments..

By the way, we have something else in common as well: we are both from Northern Europe and our SO's are from East Asia. My SO is half English, half Chinese though.

[milaya]

How often do you see each other? I understand that the cancellations might cause lots of arguments..

By the way, we have something else in common as well: we are both from Northern Europe and our SO's are from East Asia. My SO is half English, half Chinese though.

We try to see each other in all his vacations. So there's 6-8 weeks between our visits normally. But, if we suddenly can't meet in one vacation it becomes 16 weeks. Which is why I always fear for his next vacation schedule. Since it doesn't just set us back a few weeks, but doubles instead.
Lately I'm the one who has to go to Japan, because his work schedule in unfair.

Hehe yes, we do have some things in common. XD
Enjoy your time with your SO ^_^

[roosie]

We try to see each other in all his vacations. So there's 6-8 weeks between our visits normally. But, if we suddenly can't meet in one vacation it becomes 16 weeks. Which is why I always fear for his next vacation schedule. Since it doesn't just set us back a few weeks, but doubles instead.
Lately I'm the one who has to go to Japan, because his work schedule in unfair.

Hehe yes, we do have some things in common. XD
Enjoy your time with your SO ^_^

Every 6-8 weeks sounds good! In theory.. We usually see every two months. Of course it's not as easy if you can never be completely sure. I understand your fear, it's very stressful when you know that the plans can change..

I will! Enjoy your time in Japan with your SO!

[roosie]

I'm not sure if I have any advice at the moment because I'm very new to a very similar situation. My boyfriend is just starting to travel a lot and we haven't figured it out yet either. He lives about 1400 miles from myself and currently can't schedule visits to far in advance because he might have to travel. The difficult thing is that he has to check and recheck his schedule before he can plan anything. This is difficult for me because I'm a very Type A person who likes to schedule ahead, while he is not and can't be due to his work. I know this probably didn't offer any help, but maybe it helps to know your not alone. If I think of anything though, I will let you know!

Thanks, it definitely feels nice to know that I'm not alone! What does boyfriend do for a living? If you don't mind me asking. I know how you feel, scheduling ahead gives you the sense of safety.. I must say I'm very unorganized but I like to schedule ahead too.

[HappyHealthy365]

I am not a pilot neither is my SO - by all means, but I do live a VERY chaotic life. When we first went into LDR I was working as a social researcher on children's rights issues in various countries...then me and my SO volunteered/traveled together in various countries...then last year I was in between his place living with him (in the US, he has a job there again) and Hungary (my home where I haven't lived since 2000) due to my grandma's illness...now I am in Mexico...since 2009 I've been living a nomadic life, changing countries every 3 months on average (yes, for a year we did this together). I am a health & life coach with international mobility now. He is in international education and he travels for his job, though not like a pilot. So it is quite different than a crazy pilot life but chaotic and travelfull.

[differentcountries]

I travel some in my work and I sometimes work evenings/weekends in addition to days. Then I also travel with work/studies one week a month to be with SO. My life is very much to and fro with the journeys/my job. My husband also structures his life around my travels. I need to earn more next year and so I want to get some online assignements to take with me when I go to SO. SO doesn't travel much, my husband travels little too. On my October journey my husband will join me. SOs job is quite demanding as he work long days every day in season, so on my stays with him everything reveolves around his work, and I work when he works.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Come on, people. This thread is nearly 4 years old.