I cheated

[Scottyent]

...

[snow_girl]

Trust is all you really have in an LDR and you broke it. Even if she forgives you, the level of trust she has for you will never be the same. You say you are in love with your girlfriend but your actions don't show that. I am sorry that you did what you did, but you as least told her the truth and now you will have to deal with the consequences.

[folclor]

It's definitely possible for you to rebuild the trust. it'll take a very long time and you're going to have to give up a lot of privacy and possibly even a few contacts/acquaintances if you want this to work out. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she called it quits.

However...if you cheated on her there is a reason you did so. It's not just a spur of the moment decision (I do not believe the "I was drunk" excuse). You have to look at yourself and your relationship with a magnifying glass. Were you lonely? Were you scared? Were you stressed? There is something, either in yourself or in your relationship, that didn't go exactly right. Maybe it was that you were missing her and something in your brain told you to cheat because you wanted some sort of physical intimacy. But there is a reason.

But you have to let her call the shots for right now. If she doesn't want to talk to you, don't push the issue. And, for heaven's sake, DO NOT do ANYTHING that could even HINT at cheating again if you want a chance at being back with her.

[Karringtyn]

I agree that you need to examine why you did what you did. Things don't JUST happen. If you are truly 100 percent happy with someone as much as you say you are....you don't get yourself in those situations, or IF you do...you stop.

Let me ask you this...does commitment/future plans scare you? I have been there...years ago..and I understand.

I have to say...telling your SO shows who you are..the fact that you owned up to it.

I hope you guys can work things out...let us know how things turn out..

And btw...glad you share here!! We all are here to listen and try to help!

[murphfan51]

Why did you do it??? You just don't randomly find yourself doing those things to a girl when your apparently in the most amazing relationship!

Don't be surprised if you lose her, a long distance relationship is built on the trust of staying faithful and your ruined it! If she does keep you, she will never trust you as much as she did, even if you do work for it, you got a cross next to your name!

At least you told her and did not tried to cover it up!

[paulawriteslove]

It will definitely take awhile for your to build up again and it may never be as strong as it was. But it is good that you told her, it shows a lot about you. Best of luck!! I hope everything works out for you.

[Miramaid]

yeah taht would break my heart so bad if that happened to me... I am not sure what to tell you. I really do not trust men when it comes to things like that coz seems like most men who cheat have no idea why they do that. Women cheat too but they go more for an emotional cheating.

Anywyas, I hope things work out and I hope you learned a lesson and would not hurt someone like that any more ever in your life

[christiandating]

I'm talking litearlly better than fairytales,

God how I know that feeling. I know exactly what you're talking about. It's like Disney come to life and times a million.

Ahh man I feel for you bad. Real bad. As a Christian, I believe in our sinful nature and how as humans, we always slip up.

What I also believe though are the words of Jesus: "“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

I really truly believe that a relationship can be restored from something like this. It can. Of course, it will not be easy or very quick. But it can happen. God is the healer and he can heal hearts. "He restores my soul," Psalms 23:3.

I would say just don't give up. I think that you have learned this listen the hard way and you will likely NEVER make this mistake again. You know, when the world glorifies sex and says things like "oh thats bad" to try and make it look extra seductive, it's just a lie, a piece of deception... In truth there is nothing nice about sin, sin by nature is destruction.. it just tries to destroy everything in it's path.

Anyway I am rambling but I have to say, you did the right thing by telling her the truth, and that shows SERIOUS character there. Many would have kept this a secret, but that is WRONG because then you are deceiving and seriously hurting someone you love (whether they know or not) and you face a lifetime of suppressing something. You told her, you did the right thing there. I would recommend just demonstrating your absolute loathing towards what you did, and just be there for her if she needs it. I would tell her that you dont ever want to see that girl again and that you have cut ties with her- whether your girlfriend stays with you or not, that you will never see this other girl again. Maybe that isnt what you want but that is what I think might be a good idea- to throw away the possibility in your girlfriend's mind that you might be in love with this other girl.

This may or may not be the end of your relationship and I think you should accept her choice on that without contesting it- out of total respect for her. You might not be a Christian but, if you don't mind, I'm going to pray today that your girl would see your heart over your action. God bless

[Scottyent]

this has been the longest night of my life, and I have never felt this kind of pain before in my life, and I've been through a lot. As far as why I did it, I don't think the I was drinking thing is an excuse, it was just a fact at the time. I wouldn't have done it had it not been for the alcohol, I know that completely, but that still does not make it an excuse. When it comes down to it, there is simply no excuse, and I know that. Why i did it though, I truly don't know. I guess loneliness. I am so happy, was, so happy with her, but maybe this distance got to me more than I thought. i also had an incredibly stressful week where my academics, my family, and like I mentioned before, my car, all decided to go into turmoil. Still, not an excuse, but I think more of a reason why i did what I did.

I wouldn't be surprised if she left me either. it will completely change my life, because like I said, she was my wife, we wanted marriage, we wanted a family, and literally everything in our relationship was the epitome of perfect. We were that couple everyone loves, but sercretly sometimes doesn't because they wonder how we can possibly be that perfect. Apparently we're not, apparently I'm not.

I'm waiting for her to give me her decision, and I'm certainly not pushing her on talking or not talking. we talked for a little while after I told her, and thn at the end she said she just couldn't talk to me right now. I completely understand that. I told her that I love her, even though those words now sound shallow, and that if she decides that she wants to break up with me, I would completely understand because that is what I deserve, I do not deserve her. But I also told her that if she gives me the chance, that I will spend every second of every day proving to her that this was, and always will be, the biggest mistake of my life, and that she is, and always will be, the love of my life and hopefully the mother of my children. If she walks away, I truly have no idea what I'm goign to do with myself. I didn't just feel like I found my other half, i felt lke I was just a quarter, and she was my three quarters.

The hardest thing is I don't know if I can ever live with myself after this, or deal with this pain I caused. I love her more than anything in the world, and i literally did the worst thing imaginable. I can't look at myself in the mirror, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I took something so perfect, and smashed it to pieces, and ruined so much happiness for so many people (her, her family, my family, our future family). Even if she decided to stay with me, I don't know how to get over the fact that I did this. That i did this to her. That I never ever ever would let anything hurt her ever in our lives together, and then I turn around and did the worst hurting myself.

As for the girl I cheated with, cut her out of my life? fine. done. Stop drinking alcohol for the rest of my life? fine. done. Sell my car, pick up my things, and move to Germany to be with her? Fine. done.

I would do anything on this planet to try and fix what i've done, and to fix the heart that I've broken, and to build the trust back that I broke. I just truly don't know if its possible because what i did could be unfixable, irreversible, unforgivable. and all I can do is swallow and undertstand as I watch my life crumble, and myself is the only person to blame.

I love her so much, and if her being without me is truly the best thing for her, than I want that. But based on the relationship that we had...and hopefully have in the future, and the way I feel about her, i completely believe that I am the man that can take care of her the best, that can love her the most, that knows her the best. We have a one hundred and 10 percent complete connection.

and I ruined that.

[uniquefem]

Broken Trust

Beside good communication trust is on the top of the list "must have" for LDR couple.

If i put my self on your gf position, it would made me mad, sad, and confuse.

Mad because its shocking.. after all those months, commitment and trust.. you threw it away for another girl, whats the "future" talk for?

Sad because it could means that all the say "you're means the world for me" just BS. Your gf means nothing for you (just try to put my self as her), if she is really means the world for you, why you made her cry, and feel sad?

Confuse, why you did it? what went wrong? what did she done that deserve this? where this relationship goes to?

There are cycle of emotions that usually happens to girls.. usually its surprise, and then sad, last one is anger, and after that well.. usually cooling off.

You said sorry, you made promise to your self and your girl this wont happens again... you will do anything to made things better---just stick to your words i guess.... its all up to her whether she could forgive you or not.

But please... don't gave up. Give her some time to forgive you... show her that its really a mistake, and dont be too hard to your self... people made mistakes. When you say sorry means you regret things you've done... and please do try-not do hurt her again!!

Ive been in her position, its hurt a lot--took me YEARS to forget and forgive my ex.

Give her sometimes to think... and for you.. maybe to analyze again whats going on!! why you did it? (come on... are you really that weak?) would be bad for LDR if you had weak commitment in keeping the trust!

[folclor]

...one of the worst things you can do is say, "I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the alcohol!" because alcohol lowers your inhibitions so you would do things or say things that you've thought of doing or saying. It likely does stem from loneliness and missing her, but that just means that you need to talk that out with her if she gives you another chance.

This may sound harsh and I'm sorry, in advance, if it does. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to give you a perspective.

Being cheated on hurts worse than what you're feeling right now. having been cheated on and as I am currently dating someone who has been cheated on...it can put a person at a level of emotional destitution that is...horrific. She's going to wonder what is wrong with her. Hell, she may not even blame you and instead take it all on herself. She may give you another chance because she may never have dated someone who cheated before. She may not know how to handle herself and the trust isn't just broken and something you can put a little bandaid over and hope it heals over time. It's shattered. YOU have to pick up the pieces and weld it back together and you're making these grand statements about what you'd be willing to do to earn her trust and love back but she's not going to believe a word of it until they happen. you have to find out what she wants you to do... if she wants anything to do with you... and do it. Don't promise it, do it.
If you break her heart any more or make promises and then don't follow through...it's not just going to hurt her a bit and she'll get over it eventually...it will break her down and she may not even want anything to do with love from that point on. Her perception of men and her perception of relationships and all of that may be resting on you right now. for her sake and yours, whether you end up still together or go on a break temporarily, don't get near another woman. Until she trusts you and until you can trust yourself...don't put yourself in that situation. And never EVER assume this is going to be easy, whether you have it mapped out or not.

I hope the best for you and your girl as there is a possibility of recovery and there are some people who really aren't patterned cheaters and those who just do it once as a mistake. this just means you have to be vigilant and careful. I wish you the best.

[christiandating]

Your honest regret is clear. And yeah she will be feeling, obviously, alot of pain and possibly self blame. I think that the pain of the cheater though may actually be worse- I havn't been on either side so I don't know for sure, but the guilt of having been the one who slipped, I think, is worse.

That said it definitely definitely isn't impossible that your relationship can be fully restored.. With God, nothing is impossible. And if you arn't a Christian then take a look at Adidas who have the same message lol "Impossible is nothing".. You never know how this could turn out or how much of a capacity for forgiveness someone can have in their heart. There are women out there who could truly understand that it was a mistake and not a reflection on her or anything like that, and eventually fully heal and love totally freely.

If she does decide to give you a second chance, I would then tell her what you said here. "I've decided never to see that other girl, or any female friends again, and I've made the personal choice to never drink alcohol again" ((if that is still what you want of course)) (I too am completely abstinent from alcohol- I think its a good choice)) Tell her the extreme guilt that is weighing on your soul- but also that it has made perfectly clear to you what you really, truly want, and thatis why you are willing to sell your things and go right over to be with her.

Just good luck man, and God bless, and I hope things can work out.

[Scottyent]

I don't know what to do. Was it truly the right thing that I told her? My therapist even said I shouldn't. I ruined all of our happiness and our future on a mistake that will never happen again because I did it because i was afraid, I sabotaged my own relationship because I was too happy. if i didn't tell her, I wouldn't have torn down this incredible world that we built. I could have dealt with the guilt, instead of causing her this much pain. Did I do the right thing?

[leonsfangirl]

You did the right thing telling her, Ignorance ISN'T bliss!!
If you didn't tell her your behaviour would have changed and she would have picked up on that and that would have caused arguments further down the road.
The guilt would have eaten at you, if she can forgive you then you stand a chance of forgiving yourself.
As someone who has cheated, i feel for you. And as someone who has been cheated on i feel for her.
We all do stupid things in this life, it's how we deal with it that shows who we are.
Good Luck, i hope you both can work this through.

[Scottyent]

thank you so much for your words. Right now I am just so lost and so confused. I agree with you, I just had a moment when I woke up from another nigthmare where I thought how much easier it would be right now if I hadn't told her, but you're right, I had to tell her. She deserves that, and if I lose her, i deserve that. If I didn't tell her, you're right, I would have changed, because I'm not the kind of person that can hold something like that in, especially when it comes to my girlfriend. She is the light of my life, and I'm open to her about absolutely everything. Holding something from her feels unnatural.

I hope more than anything that she forgives me, because being with her has turned me into the man that I want to be, the man that will get things done, the man that is responsible, intelligent, and loving. I have always been capable, but she showed me what I could be. Unfortunately, I showed myself that I am incredibly weak somewhere within myself, and that is something I truly need to work on otherwise I will ruin everything in my life (which I have been doing with school for a long time).

I like your words "We all do stupid things in this life, it's how we deal with it that shows who we are." I want to be able to prove to her who i am. That she was right about who I was. That what we have is real and will always be real, and that I had a lapse in judgement that although one million percent terrible, it was just that, a horrible mistake that i will never make again. I have seen this dark side inside me, and I should have know it would never be completely gone, or that just because I felt like my girlfriend made everything in my life finally fit into place, that there was still a part of me saying hey you can still mess this up, just because she loves and believes in you doesn't mean you won't fail in school, or with your family, or with anything I try. She gave me everything a woman could ever give a man, but that one last tiny bit of weakness inside me that was left over, took me by surprise and I made the worst decision of my life. I hope that I can grow from it, and I hope with everything in my being, my soul, my everything that I can show her that she truly means the world to me, that mistakes happen, and that I want to be the father of our children, and show her the world we always envisioned us having.

Thank you all for the feedback, I will be keeping you updated, as right now this is my main form of outlet. She is still thinking of what her decision will be, and although I wrote her one short email, i am going to respect her right to have space, and I have since been writing all my feelings and things i want to say to her down in a word document that maybe I'll show her when we finally do talk.

There is a part of me that for some reason, doesn't believe that I can succeed, unless I come from behind and win. It happens in everything I do. In school, i ruin the semester in the beginning just so i have the pressure to come back at the end, and if i dont, i say well i couldn't have came back from how far down I was anyway, nobody could have. Even in my jobs, after awhile, I just get frustrated, and I feel as if I have to leave and to find somewhere better, even though I make good money, so I ruin the job, leave on mediocre terms, and start all over even when I shouldn't. It's a terrible habit, and the thought that I let this hurt the love of my life, well, the only thing that will ever make me feel better, is spending the next 70 years of my life showing her that i want to grow old with her, that i will take care of her every need, that having I life with her is something I can't mess up because its in my blood (except I guess i did mess it up ) Sigh, i just don't know.