codependence and relationship "addiction"?

[Miramaid]

Do any of you feel bad and sad when you SO is going out for example? Do any of you feel like you do not want to go out or make new friends and all you want is talk to him/her, wait for him/her to get on a phone, internet, web camera....? Do any of you feel sad when he/she is out and you are not and you wish he /she was not (and coz you do not want them to go out or you are afraid they are out somewhere, but coz they are like the primary source of your happiness and when you do not have it in the evening or afternoon or smth, the whole picture of the world seems gloomy and you feel like you need to get out and do something just because that is what they are doing at the moment?)

I see posts on here about people posting "My SO is going away for college and I do not know what to do!...." Well I am in the opposite situation: i went away for college and the whole time last semester I did not want to get out and make new friends or anything and all I wanted was to at least hear/see/chat with my SO. I still haven't made any friends. Though, I realize it is not right and I should have my own life here, I feel like if I do, it will take us apart and I am afraid of it. He is a home buddy but every time he is not home, when he doesnt talk to me as much as usual, when he CAN but doesnt do web cam, when he is out doing something or even driving to WalMart, I feel sad. Distance is hard on me and it is especially hard coz me and my SO argue and things are not always great, but I feel like I am addicted to him. I wonder if any of you feel like that and what you do to not feel sad and lonely coz I have been feeling like that constantly, day by day for the past 6 months.

[christiandating]

I understand and yes I went through this when I faced the separation of distance with my SO. I can definately say not to look into it if he doesn't webcam/spends too much time somewhere... Definately do NOT take that as a negative sign on your relationship. To love someone and know that you cannot be with them, even if you were to sprint in their direction for weeks on end, is a really terrible thing to experience and everyone deals with it in different ways.

One way my SO and I dealt with this time is creating things for each other. I would record "radio shows" with my microphone and send them to her to put them on her ipod. This way she could take my voice wherever she went. She also started making her own "radio shows" and sending them too me.. so when she was out doing something, I used the time to make something for her, so that even when she was gone I was still doing something that had to do with her.

Don't underestimate how hard and emotionally challenging it is to be in a long distance relationship. You're feelings are not wrong, I think they are pretty natural for a tough LDR.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not sure this is co-dependence so much as just a case of 'the clingy'. People who are co-dependent, from what I understand of the problem, try and hinder the person they're dependent on so that the other person depends on them solely, too. They try and hold them back and I don't think you're doing that, at least you haven't mentioned doing anything of the sort.

As far as the college thing, I think you're putting a lot of pressure and 'shoulds' on yourself, looking at an ideal that either others or society has instilled and because you're not going down that path you're feeling down and turning to your source of comfort--your SO. So in a way he's a security blanket even if you guys bicker here and there. I think you just need some sort of local distraction, doesn't have to be friends or anything you aren't comfortable with. Take small steps into finding something, anything, that you can feel either more independent there or like you can handle yourself better when your SO isn't around. Plenty of people are in the same boat as you problem-wise so I don't think it's wrong, it's just problematic for you and you've expressed that.

[snow_girl]

I hope you aren't making him feel guilty for going out and having a life with friends? You need to have a life that doesn't constantly revolve around your boyfriend. That being said, going out and having fun does not mean that you won't be together. Sitting at home waiting for him only makes time drag slower. Go out meet people have some fun.

I encourage my SO to go out and have fun. I don't feel sad for being at home on a saturday when he is out, Its my choice to be home. I keep up a social life so it doesn't seem like my life has stopped as soon as he is not here. Its also reassuring to know that if the relationship does end, your life doesn't. You have friends to fall back on and a life to carry on with.

I know its hard being away form your boyfriend and it sucks when he can't chat as much as you would like, but don't just sit around waiting for him.

[Elissa]

I have the same problem. I hate when my SO goes out. I cry and beg her to stay. I'm trying to stop.

[folclor]

Co dependency isn't being clingy. ^^; Trust me, I've been both. When you're co dependent you can't make decisions by yourself, you really, literally, cannot function without the help and direction of the other person. You feel like you're dying (pretty much) every time the other person does something without you (unless it's work or school) and one night without talking is equivalent, in your mind, to a lifetime of suffering. and, yus, I have been co dependent. Yes, it was with my current boyfriend. It wasn't because of him and we worked through it fairly well (took at least a year or so).

Clingy is what you're talking about. Clingy is being lovesick or just wanting to be around someone. You feel jealous of their friends or family because they get to spend time with your SO and you don't. It's nothing against them, you just want to talk to him as much as you possibly can because you miss him and you love him. Talking to other people just doesn't seem enjoyable, you always keep your computer close just in case he might get on at this moment because that's what he did last week or something. You have your phone on all the time in case he texts or calls because you want, more than anything, to be in contact with him. This is different from co dependency in that you don't need him to tell you what to do. But it happens to everyone and is completely normal. You miss the person closest to you. That's all it is. You do need to strike out on your own a little bit more and learn that when you do something like meet a new friend or go out to see a movie one night it won't be cataclysmic. And even if you miss him while you're out it just means that the next time you talk you'll have more to say.

So, cheer up. ^^ It's really hard now but if you push yourself you can get better. Trust me as I know from experience ^^

[lucybelle]

I went into college in a relationship. My ex (obviously he was my boyfriend at the moment!) was only an hour away, and I would go home every single weekend to see him. I don't like to regret things, but I wish I could do that part over. While everyone else in school was making friends, seeing the town, getting out, being silly, I was at home with my ex. I think it's so important to live a little when you get to college. I know where you're coming from, trust me-- I was there, but you have to let go of him a little and let yourself live. When you have less things to do, you have more time to worry. Go hang out and make a life for yourself and you won't be as dependent on your SO to constantly talk to you.

[Silviar]

Not really, for me. I love my SO, and I treasure every minute we have together. Maybe it's because I know waiting around won't give me more time with him due to our huge time difference, but it doesn't hit me that hard. Sorry. :x When we are together, I cling pretty hard though. I'm a very touchy feely person. ^^

[Miramaid]

Co dependency isn't being clingy. ^^; Trust me, I've been both. When you're co dependent you can't make decisions by yourself, you really, literally, cannot function without the help and direction of the other person. You feel like you're dying (pretty much) every time the other person does something without you (unless it's work or school) and one night without talking is equivalent, in your mind, to a lifetime of suffering. and, yus, I have been co dependent. Yes, it was with my current boyfriend. It wasn't because of him and we worked through it fairly well (took at least a year or so).

Clingy is what you're talking about. Clingy is being lovesick or just wanting to be around someone. You feel jealous of their friends or family because they get to spend time with your SO and you don't. It's nothing against them, you just want to talk to him as much as you possibly can because you miss him and you love him. Talking to other people just doesn't seem enjoyable, you always keep your computer close just in case he might get on at this moment because that's what he did last week or something. You have your phone on all the time in case he texts or calls because you want, more than anything, to be in contact with him. This is different from co dependency in that you don't need him to tell you what to do. But it happens to everyone and is completely normal. You miss the person closest to you. That's all it is. You do need to strike out on your own a little bit more and learn that when you do something like meet a new friend or go out to see a movie one night it won't be cataclysmic. And even if you miss him while you're out it just means that the next time you talk you'll have more to say.

So, cheer up. ^^ It's really hard now but if you push yourself you can get better. Trust me as I know from experience ^^

that is EXACTLY what is happening to me! And somehow it makes me sad that I feel like he doesn't feel the same, that he is ok if we do not talk as much even if we CAN (and we can EVERY day, we have an opportunity to Skype every day, but we don't and it is not coz I do not want to). And I am afraid to talk to him about it because I am afraid he wont understand or will misunderstand or it may even scare him out. I do not know. HE is not nearly as emotional as me (sometimes but most of the time it is a "machismo" mask or not mask I do not know)...I really hope and wish I was different and would not bother about him not waiting for me at the computer all the time, but I do :'(

[FadedSunrise]

Nope, not at all. He usually follows such a structured and disciplined life, that I'm happy to hear it when he goes out with his friends, on some other adventure, or now when he's getting ready to go home for Lunar New Year. I want him to have as much fun as possible, while of course reaching the other goals he's set for himself. This doesn't mean I'm any less attached...heaven knows I cried for a day and a half straight when I considered breaking up. Maybe it is as Silviar said, I know and accept that there isn't going to BE any extra time, or any face time, even if I moan and whine. And I definitely know I want to reach my own ambitious goals, and get the most out of life too. Its not fair to not allow him the same!

And also on the other hand, you can bet I'm clingy in person, and will be this next visit. That I'll be looking for any opportunity possible to snuggle close and feel his presence, to make up for all this time. Till then, bitching and moaning does me no good, plus the rest of real life is still just as exciting, and will only become more so. There's just the little added detail of leaving a piece of my heart behind in a different country, but the rest of it is still big enough to be whole and functional here.

[folclor]

that is EXACTLY what is happening to me! And somehow it makes me sad that I feel like he doesn't feel the same, that he is ok if we do not talk as much even if we CAN (and we can EVERY day, we have an opportunity to Skype every day, but we don't and it is not coz I do not want to). And I am afraid to talk to him about it because I am afraid he wont understand or will misunderstand or it may even scare him out. I do not know. HE is not nearly as emotional as me (sometimes but most of the time it is a "machismo" mask or not mask I do not know)...I really hope and wish I was different and would not bother about him not waiting for me at the computer all the time, but I do :'(

awww! don't be sad! ; ^ ; I know exactly how you feel ^^;; I felt EXACTLY the same for a while. If your SO is anything like mine it's not that he doesn't want to talk to you, it's that he doesn't feel like he has enough to talk about. My suggestion is set two days of the week (for us it's two to three Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday) that you don't talk or that you only talk if you feel like it or need it. Then, on those nights you find something to do. Pick up a hobby or hang out with family or friends, read a book series, play a game, join a club, something like that. That way you'll have something to tell him about, you'll have more going on, and he'll want to contact you more since you're not always right there for him to have (at least, in theory). And, if that doesn't work (for a long time it didn't for me, but that's because I'm very socially awkward around people I don't know ^^; ) then try telling him how you feel. Even if he doesn't understand, just tell him that you feel bad for feeling htis way and you don't want to be clingy, but you can't help it. He won't fault you for that. And maybe you'll find out he feels the same way sometimes, too.

[Gelfling]

I do sometimes feel a little clingy. I try to remember in those times, that making another person your whole world is really unfair to that person as well as to yourself. If nothing else, if I'm not out doing my own thing on a regular basis, I'll stagnate and get boring. If I push myself to go out and be social on my own, I generally wind up enjoying myself and time passes faster, bringing me that much closer to SO.

[Miramaid]

we talked tonight. I ended up crying and telling him that I missed him and that after spending 5 weeks with him it was hard to be back alone again...he did not comfort me and when I asked him why he would not, he said it was because he can not always be "lovy-dowy". I said "I am not asking you to be like that all the time, but I am here crying, and obviously do not feel good and I miss you and I know you can make me smile easily", he said "how?" and I said "by saying comforting, loving words", he said: "I love you?" I said: "Yeah. That is three of them" and he said: "Ok now I do not know what you are talking about. I can be whatever you want me to be and say words that you need to hear, but that would not be me. IT would be a fake. Do you want me to be a fake or do you want me to be a real me?" ANd he is not stupid and I do not think he did not get the point, but I am afraid to admit that he is resistant when it comes to things like that and he takes it as I am trying to change HIM, and not as I just want him to say he loves me and that he understands it is hard for me. HE just refuses to do it and all I hear is silence on the phone. It kills me and it literally makes me feel like I am in love with an ingnorant and insensitive man :'( and he doesnt think he does anything wrong, all he thinks is that I should not cry as much and should not expect him to hug me or tell me "I love you" all the time. Not that he does it all hte time anyways :'(

[Bølle]

I know what you are getting at, although I haven't really got the same problem. Back when we were CD, my SO and I did more or less everything together... EEEEHEEEVERYTHING! But if one of us had something else planned, the other wouldn't go around moping - and the same is the case now that we're LD. If she is having a good night out, I feel glad! (..mostly because it normally involves me talking to a very drunk SO on Skype afterwards - which is just hillarious in any case! ^^ *giggles*) ..However, you can't help feeling a tiny wee bit sad whenever your SO is doing something and you are not there, I guess it's natural. Because OF COURSE you would want to be there as well and share the experience.. :P ..but I have no problem with my SO having some 'private' times without me

So now, I wouldn't say my SO and I are 'co-dependent', but I definitely feel the relationship addiction! :l
After only 4 months of sleeping, cuddling, cooking, showering, grocery shopping, partying, film watching and just simply being with her, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to get used to NOT having her around all the time ..And some days it just feels unbearable.

*sigh* ..and it REALLY doesn't help, that I just saw her skype-message saying that she wanna cuddle -_- ....jeeez!

[Gelfling]

we talked tonight. I ended up crying and telling him that I missed him and that after spending 5 weeks with him it was hard to be back alone again...he did not comfort me and when I asked him why he would not, he said it was because he can not always be "lovy-dowy". I said "I am not asking you to be like that all the time, but I am here crying, and obviously do not feel good and I miss you and I know you can make me smile easily", he said "how?" and I said "by saying comforting, loving words", he said: "I love you?" I said: "Yeah. That is three of them" and he said: "Ok now I do not know what you are talking about. I can be whatever you want me to be and say words that you need to hear, but that would not be me. IT would be a fake. Do you want me to be a fake or do you want me to be a real me?" ANd he is not stupid and I do not think he did not get the point, but I am afraid to admit that he is resistant when it comes to things like that and he takes it as I am trying to change HIM, and not as I just want him to say he loves me and that he understands it is hard for me. HE just refuses to do it and all I hear is silence on the phone. It kills me and it literally makes me feel like I am in love with an ingnorant and insensitive man :'( and he doesnt think he does anything wrong, all he thinks is that I should not cry as much and should not expect him to hug me or tell me "I love you" all the time. Not that he does it all hte time anyways :'(

Now that really stinks, I'm sorry. I don't understand why some guys think that comforting someone who is in pain is "being fake." It might not come naturally, especially at first, but neither does wearing clothes, showering every day, taking vitamins, driving safely, or any number of things we do to make society run a little more smoothly-- we just started practicing those a lot sooner.