Feeling the strain of distance. Advice?

[melissab22]

So ever since my SO went home after his trip here, it seems like the new relationship energy had completely faded leaving us both in a state of 'Where do we go from here?'
We've had a few very brief conversations regarding it and he wants to just wait and see if things get better. However, I feel like the just wait and see approach doesn't apply to LDRs. You have to act to get any kind of result that far away. Am I right? I am trying to remind him of all the little things we used to do for each other in the beginning that made us feel so great and in love but it doesn't seem like he's really trying to reciprocate. Maybe it's just the distance, maybe it's something else, maybe it's just me over-reacting? He still says he loves me every time we talk on the phone and he says he wants to work on the relationship. I'm just not seeing it and I'm starting to get worried.
Help?

[Joshsgirl92]

LDR are HARD. No matter who you are, where you are, or how long you will be apart. It's painful, heartbreaking, and sometimes you just want to quit. Just keep asking yourselves, do I truly love the person I'm with? am I in this for the long run? do I honestly see myself with this person for the rest of my life? If you can answer yes to those questions, then don't give up--your relationship is far too precious to ignore.

I know it is overused, but communication is key. It really is. Keep talking. Express your feelings to your SO...tell him you feel discouraged. Don't just sit back and wait things out. Talk things through, figure out whether it is merely the distance or if there is something out of place in your relationship. If it's just the distance, trust me, you CAN get through it. Just remember it is just a small season in your life and you two will be back in each other's arms again soon (:

I so hope that helped!

[Snowy.Winter]

I can see where both you and your SO are coming from. I think the waiting approach does apply to LDR's to an extent, and it'll depend on the amount of time you been together. Have you's been together long? Maybe he wants to wait for a few more months because he's worried about putting a lot of effort into the relationship for it to not work out (I know everybody needs to put effort into a relationship, I mean by for example, taking it to the next step). I know that sounds harsh, but some people like to wait an extra few months to see if it's going to be okay. I don't think it's anything to worry about.

Oo and welcome to LFAD

[melissab22]

LDR are HARD. No matter who you are, where you are, or how long you will be apart. It's painful, heartbreaking, and sometimes you just want to quit. Just keep asking yourselves, do I truly love the person I'm with? am I in this for the long run? do I honestly see myself with this person for the rest of my life? If you can answer yes to those questions, then don't give up--your relationship is far too precious to ignore.

I know it is overused, but communication is key. It really is. Keep talking. Express your feelings to your SO...tell him you feel discouraged. Don't just sit back and wait things out. Talk things through, figure out whether it is merely the distance or if there is something out of place in your relationship. If it's just the distance, trust me, you CAN get through it. Just remember it is just a small season in your life and you two will be back in each other's arms again soon (:

I so hope that helped!

I can honestly say that I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm 99% he's the one. I think only time will tell for that last 1%. He says the same thing about me. We both know this is going to be exceptionally hard, I just feel like he doesn't quite understand that this is just the distance. That's what I feel like it is. (I'm trying to trust my heart more and not over analyze things hah.)
I hope I can explain this to him and he'll want to work things out more.
Did you and your SO ever go through something like this?
Thanks, you really made me feel better.

[Joshsgirl92]

I can honestly say that I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm 99% he's the one. I think only time will tell for that last 1%. He says the same thing about me. We both know this is going to be exceptionally hard, I just feel like he doesn't quite understand that this is just the distance. That's what I feel like it is. (I'm trying to trust my heart more and not over analyze things hah.)
I hope I can explain this to him and he'll want to work things out more.
Did you and your SO ever go through something like this?
Thanks, you really made me feel better.

I am so glad!!

YES...my SO and I definitely have gone through this. It was the hardest the first month he was away at school. I felt so lost and disconnected from him. He didn't fully understand what was going on, but I knew it was mainly that I missed him. As absolutely pathetic as that sounds, sometimes that's all that is wrong with me. I just miss him and the distance is heart-wrenching! Distance is a HUGE strain and sometimes you feel as though you are just destined to crack under the pressure. But I know, every time I read one of his emails or hear his voice, I just know that he is my soul mate. I am going to be with him forever, and when forever is ahead of us, what is a mere four years apart?
I don't know your situation or why you are away or how long, but if you know you are going to be together for always, someday you will be with him, never EVER having to say goodbye again (can you imagine? I am so excited for that day!) and you will look back on the time you spent apart and realize it only made you that much stronger.
Keep your chin up (: Boys can be stupid sometimes...lol...so they obviously won't always get it. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open, and I have every bit of faith that you two will be absolutely fine! (:

[melissab22]

I am so glad!!

YES...my SO and I definitely have gone through this. It was the hardest the first month he was away at school. I felt so lost and disconnected from him. He didn't fully understand what was going on, but I knew it was mainly that I missed him. As absolutely pathetic as that sounds, sometimes that's all that is wrong with me. I just miss him and the distance is heart-wrenching! Distance is a HUGE strain and sometimes you feel as though you are just destined to crack under the pressure. But I know, every time I read one of his emails or hear his voice, I just know that he is my soul mate. I am going to be with him forever, and when forever is ahead of us, what is a mere four years apart?
I don't know your situation or why you are away or how long, but if you know you are going to be together for always, someday you will be with him, never EVER having to say goodbye again (can you imagine? I am so excited for that day!) and you will look back on the time you spent apart and realize it only made you that much stronger.
Keep your chin up (: Boys can be stupid sometimes...lol...so they obviously won't always get it. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open, and I have every bit of faith that you two will be absolutely fine! (:

Oh my goodness, I'm pretty much almost crying with how relevant that is to our situation hah.
It's the fact that I miss him so terribly and I can imagine being without him. It seems silly to say when we've only been dating for 3 months but if after the new relationship high has worn off and I still feel this way, I think this is real. This is something I definitely want to hold on to. I can't give up this easily.
Our situation is that he lives in Alaska and I'm in California. We're both trying to do our own thing while seeing if we're destined for each other. I feel that way and he used to tell me he did too but now it's like he's gone back on that a bit..I'm not sure but that's the most depressing part. He's going into the Air Force soon and I think that could either make us or break us. I would support him with all my heart if we are still together at that time. It's just making it to that point that's scaring me.
I'm trying to talk to him reasonably without interfering both of our lives. It's just extremely difficult without being there to talk to him when these doubts emerge. I'm living on patience, honesty, and faith. I told him that and he agrees that's what we have to do.

[Micah]

I think it's hard to get back into long distance mode after seeing someone. I know after visits with my boyfriend it takes a little while to get back into the long distance routine and we are mourning the loss of our time together. We both kind of get depressed that we're away from one another. I deal with it by clinging to him more, but he deals with it by pulling away for a few days to be bummed out. I would recommend to just give your SO some time and space. Sometimes it just takes a bit to be able to cope being away from the one you love and having to go back to phone calls, skyping, etc. instead of physically being with someone. It's hard and it doesn't really get any easier the more you do it (at least in my case). If he is reassuring you that he loves you then perhaps he just needs time to process how to deal with missing you.

[melissab22]

I think it's hard to get back into long distance mode after seeing someone. I know after visits with my boyfriend it takes a little while to get back into the long distance routine and we are mourning the loss of our time together. We both kind of get depressed that we're away from one another. I deal with it by clinging to him more, but he deals with it by pulling away for a few days to be bummed out. I would recommend to just give your SO some time and space. Sometimes it just takes a bit to be able to cope being away from the one you love and having to go back to phone calls, skyping, etc. instead of physically being with someone. It's hard and it doesn't really get any easier the more you do it (at least in my case). If he is reassuring you that he loves you then perhaps he just needs time to process how to deal with missing you.

That makes a lot of sense. He seems to have done that, and now I'm trying not to be so clingy so he doesn't get overly stressed by the situation..? I hope it will get easier with time and reassurance. Thanks for the advice.

[Joshsgirl92]

Oh my goodness, I'm pretty much almost crying with how relevant that is to our situation hah.
It's the fact that I miss him so terribly and I can imagine being without him. It seems silly to say when we've only been dating for 3 months but if after the new relationship high has worn off and I still feel this way, I think this is real. This is something I definitely want to hold on to. I can't give up this easily.
Our situation is that he lives in Alaska and I'm in California. We're both trying to do our own thing while seeing if we're destined for each other. I feel that way and he used to tell me he did too but now it's like he's gone back on that a bit..I'm not sure but that's the most depressing part. He's going into the Air Force soon and I think that could either make us or break us. I would support him with all my heart if we are still together at that time. It's just making it to that point that's scaring me.
I'm trying to talk to him reasonably without interfering both of our lives. It's just extremely difficult without being there to talk to him when these doubts emerge. I'm living on patience, honesty, and faith. I told him that and he agrees that's what we have to do.

I'm so glad you are finding comfort in my words (: I also agree with Micah...it is extremely hard to deal with the separation and my SO and I are exactly the same way...I deal with being away from him by holding on to him even tighter and he has to separate himself from me. When he went back to school after he had been home for three weeks, I didn't hear from him for an entire week. That was soo hard, but I had to realize that he needed time just to be by himself and deal with his pain for a while. I can't really comprehend that because I want to be in pain WITH him, lol, but that's how he deals with things and unfortunately, as the girl in the relatioship, we tend to sacrifice a bit more than he does.

I would also LOVE to tell you that it gets easier with time, but my experience is just that it's been getting harder. This is the third time he has left and it was by far the worst and hardest time. The great thing about it though is that it gives the relationship so much strength and you learn to rely on each other.

[melissab22]

I'm so glad you are finding comfort in my words (: I also agree with Micah...it is extremely hard to deal with the separation and my SO and I are exactly the same way...I deal with being away from him by holding on to him even tighter and he has to separate himself from me. When he went back to school after he had been home for three weeks, I didn't hear from him for an entire week. That was soo hard, but I had to realize that he needed time just to be by himself and deal with his pain for a while. I can't really comprehend that because I want to be in pain WITH him, lol, but that's how he deals with things and unfortunately, as the girl in the relatioship, we tend to sacrifice a bit more than he does.

I would also LOVE to tell you that it gets easier with time, but my experience is just that it's been getting harder. This is the third time he has left and it was by far the worst and hardest time. The great thing about it though is that it gives the relationship so much strength and you learn to rely on each other.

That just sounds so similar to what's going on, maybe I should just ask him if that's how he's feeling? It would make me feel a bit better if it were. So that I know he's not falling out of love or anything. (It sounds really silly to be saying these things when it's only been three months. But it's just so true.)
Yes being the girl does tend to put an emotional stress on things more than guys doesn't it? Hah. We definitely have a much stronger relationship that we've ever been in before, it just physically aches though to realize that it's going to be so long until we're together again. I don't even know when that will be either. We were planning on me coming up in the summer but he may work on the oil rigs up there so it would have to be sooner or later. We'll just have to see. :/

[Joshsgirl92]

That just sounds so similar to what's going on, maybe I should just ask him if that's how he's feeling? It would make me feel a bit better if it were. So that I know he's not falling out of love or anything. (It sounds really silly to be saying these things when it's only been three months. But it's just so true.)
Yes being the girl does tend to put an emotional stress on things more than guys doesn't it? Hah. We definitely have a much stronger relationship that we've ever been in before, it just physically aches though to realize that it's going to be so long until we're together again. I don't even know when that will be either. We were planning on me coming up in the summer but he may work on the oil rigs up there so it would have to be sooner or later. We'll just have to see. :/

Oh sweetie, don't worry! Whether it's been 3 months or 3 years...YOU KNOW. Love doesn't understand the meaning of time, distance or separation. When you know, you just know. My SO and I told each other we loved one another before we technically started dating. Granted, we were friends first, but not for THAT long. We just knew. Don't worry that it's "only" been 3 months. You're in love, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! (:

And yes...ask him direct questions about why he's feeling what he's feeling. There's nothing wrong with a bit of prying, as long as you don't pry TOO much (;

[Joshsgirl92]

That just sounds so similar to what's going on, maybe I should just ask him if that's how he's feeling? It would make me feel a bit better if it were. So that I know he's not falling out of love or anything. (It sounds really silly to be saying these things when it's only been three months. But it's just so true.)
Yes being the girl does tend to put an emotional stress on things more than guys doesn't it? Hah. We definitely have a much stronger relationship that we've ever been in before, it just physically aches though to realize that it's going to be so long until we're together again. I don't even know when that will be either. We were planning on me coming up in the summer but he may work on the oil rigs up there so it would have to be sooner or later. We'll just have to see. :/

Oh sweetie, don't worry! Whether it's been 3 months or 3 years...YOU KNOW. Love doesn't understand the meaning of time, distance or separation. When you know, you just know. My SO and I told each other we loved one another before we technically started dating. Granted, we were friends first, but not for THAT long. We just knew. Don't worry that it's "only" been 3 months. You're in love, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! (:

And yes...ask him direct questions about why he's feeling what he's feeling. There's nothing wrong with a bit of prying, as long as you don't pry TOO much (;

[melissab22]

Oh sweetie, don't worry! Whether it's been 3 months or 3 years...YOU KNOW. Love doesn't understand the meaning of time, distance or separation. When you know, you just know. My SO and I told each other we loved one another before we technically started dating. Granted, we were friends first, but not for THAT long. We just knew. Don't worry that it's "only" been 3 months. You're in love, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! (:

And yes...ask him direct questions about why he's feeling what he's feeling. There's nothing wrong with a bit of prying, as long as you don't pry TOO much (;

I know. It's just frustrating sometimes. I wish I could know for certain that everything would be okay, I'm struggling for a bit of stability here haha. It's one of my flaws. :j
It's the same way with my SO and I! We were only friends for a short time before dating and then 5 days into dating we said we loved each other. We just knew.
I keep trying to bring things up, and I'm tired of not getting a satisfying answer so I don't want to keep bugging him but I also don't want to not address the issue, you know? Ahh if only relationships were much much simpler. Haha.

[nic&matt]

I completely understand, and I feel it's really hard to first start out a long distance as you guys are doing. I completely agree with Joshsgirl92 though, and I think it rings true to any tune. Love is love. It's not age, distance, time, location, career options, ANYTHING! I think when it just works, it just works. After 4-5 months of dating my SO, I just knew it was going to work. He completed me in so many ways that I didn't think possible. I was the type of girl who didn't want to date until way into college with my life ready. I'm still in high school, stressed, completely unsure about anything. And yet, I still fell in love.

To keep it going is a matter of commitment and yes, communication. It's ok to feel sad and to have feelings of "falling out of love", for both of you. You need those to balance the good times and the great feelings. If you had only those good times, you wouldn't know how special of a person you got. If it's worth it and meant to be, it'll happen, both through good times and bad. Advice: Stick it out. Don't get to discouraged and find help in the RIGHT places.
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