Jealousy issues : Need different points of view

[Cucaratcha]

Hi there !

I've just finished calling my SO, and I felt jealous about something, but I think it's because I'm not used to it.

I explain you the situation.
She has just started university, there she found a friend (boy) with who she was friend at college during 3 years. When we were speaking, I could hear the BlackBerry Messenger alert, so I asked her "with who are u chating ?". I know who are her close friends, and he's not, she had never spoken about him before. So she told me it was him and that they were at college before together and blabla... I got kind of annoyed and started saying like "yeah a friend of cooooourse" and things like that, but in a "funny" way to not upset her, but inside of me I was like "oh stfu stupid bast..."

But I think I'm jealous because I'm not like her about friends. She has thousands of people she calls friends. I have barely 2 people I could call friends, the rest are "people I speak with" and that I don't really care. And secondly I don't really believe in real friendship with someone of the opposite sex, for me it gets everytime to a point of ambiguity. I say that as my own experience.

So I'd like to know, if for you girls, this situation is kind of common. I trust her, but I don't like much her to speak with guys that I don't really know about... specially when we are speaking on the phone...

How do you manage your jealousy ?

[Rugger]

When I get jealous, I tell myself "He loves you! He's with you. It doesn't matter if he's friends with her, because I trust him and he loves me and only me" I also talk with a friend to vent and after than I'm usually okay.

[lucybelle]

I know I have been "just friends" with guys before, and they have ended up asking me out. Over many, many years of thinking I have finally concluded that it is impossible for heterosexual opposite sexes (if one is single) to be friends. This guy friend might have feelings for your SO, but you have to trust her enough to know that she'll make the right decision. You can't bug her about this guy or she's going to feel like you don't trust her, and can that lead to a ton of problems.

Also, my SO doesn't necessarily have more friends than I do, but they all live near him (mine spread through the state). He is constantly going to all of these parties and drinking LOTS. I'm usually home reading Harry Potter... He now is going to even more parties since he's moving here with me and his friends want to hang out one last time. I know how flirty he is, hell that's how he met me! But I trust him. You really have to be okay with yourself, your SO and your relationship. Do not sit and ponder about what she's doing at one moment. She is staying with you despite the distance, and that shows a lot.

[Stephanieeee]

I just realize that if I had a reason to be jelouse, we wouldn't be together. Trust her, eh

[dinorider88]

I know you don't believe that men and women can be friends but trust me they totally can be without it getting sexual or "ambiguous" as you put it.

[snow_girl]

I have always told any boyfriends that If we are going to be together we need to both be faithful to each other. If at anytime one of us feels the need to stray instead of going behind the others back and cheating we've promised to break it off then and there instead of making a fool out of the other person.
That being said, I can feel very confident that there is nothing to worry about. I know that he wants to be with me and just because he hangs out in a group that contains girls doesn't mean he wants to hook up with them. I always try to put myself in the same shoes. If I am going out with some guy friends I never feel tempted to cheat and I know that that is probably how he feels as well.

I skyped with my SO this morning and there was a test of trust when I told him that I am planning to go skiing over night with some friends. There will be four of us two girls and two guys sharing a room. Two of them are dating so it leaves me and my friend which is a guy. He asked if we would be sharing a bed. I told him I was not sure. But then I told him that he also has a girlfriend. He said that although he'd rather me not sleep in the bed with my guy friend he is not worried if I do.

I am really glad to know we have such a strong trust. I think it helps that we are so honest with each other. I think you can be friends with the opposite sex without there being any sexual tension. I have always had many guy friends and it had never led to anything more.

[Silviar]

I've had many male friends who I'm friends with and who have no sexual interest in me whatsoever - and the feeling is reciprocal. We love each other the way brothers and sisters love one another.

Now, TBH I don't think a little twinge of jealousy is necessarily a bad thing. I think it can keep the brain going and reminding a person of what a good thing they've got in their partner. On the other hand, if it's affecting your attitude, how you talk and interact, that's a problem. Even though she calls them all friends, they may still register to her as people you would consider "people I speak with" - women and men often interpret friends differently.

I guess what I'm saying here is that jealousy makes us blow stuff out of proportion - and I think the best way to manage that is cold logic. No one keeps an LDR as a side fling. IF she wasn't serious about being with you, she's break it off. Trust in the strength of your relationship.

[Lunar Snow]

I am someone who is frequently in communication with the green-eyed monster (I'm trying to get better about it, though) and I can identify with how you are feeling. I was actually going to make the first response to your post right when you posted it, but I wanted to take some time to think about it (particularly since I am having problems with jealousy, I often gravitate to reading all sorts of articles and posts about it...which is not always good and needed to step aside to give you a better comment) and it also brought to mind a jealousy issue of late for me (ultimately, I decided that I was better off making a blog entry first and giving good, balanced thought to your situation. Please do check out my blog entry, though--I would love to have a guy's opinion).

Feeding in from what I just said, one of the things that has really helped me is to come here and either write a post about how I am feeling or make a blog entry before I get too worked up over it in my communication with him. Sometimes, the venting is all I need and other times it helps if I have further advice or at least people confirm that I am not crazy or bad for feeling the way I do. It doesn't always work, but I have also tried to apply some of the more optimistic philosophies proposed in this community, like repeating mantras that he loves me, he chose me, he is with me.

Aside from coming here, I try and do something I really like to do that is distracting, like vegging out watching Smallville or dancing really freely to fun music.

However, if all of my methods fail and I still find that I am thinking on feelings of jealousy and I have tried to look at the situation as logically as I can, then I usually talk to him about it. Have you ever talked to her about your feelings of jealousy? I think, sometimes, that open, genuine, non-accusatory conversations can actually help the situation--in this, though, your partner must also be able to recognise your feelings as real feelings and wish to help you move away from feelings of jealousy in a productive way.

Which leads me to something that hasn't really been said here. For all that jealousy is a nasty feeling born within us, sometimes jealousy can be sparked or exacerbated by our partners being inconsiderate. I'm not saying that this is always the case, but I do believe that partners can sometimes have a hand in unwittingly causing the other to feel jealous through inconsiderate actions or statements and further not providing reassurance that jealousy is unnecessary. (No one jump on me for this...I'm just pointing out that our partners and we, as well, aren't always saints and entirely without fault). For me, and this is just me (and my SO, too), if my SO was unexpectedly and inexplicably texting away to someone while we were talking (he has the rest of the day to text his friends and we only spend a fraction of each day actually talking or doing something together), I would be pretty annoyed whether it was a girl or guy friend...or even his mom! Yeah, I would feel jealous if he also announced that it was some girl I had never heard of before.

I really liked what Silviar acknowledged, in that jealous is natural, but that we have to manage jealousy so it is not too impacting on our relationships (by using logic).

As an aside for male and female friends...hmmmn. I guess maybe I am in the minority here, but I have always found that I have had had a lot more female than male friends and when I do have male friends, there has always been some sort of sexual or romantic tension there (at some point, and on my part, or their part or even both). For friendships, I get what you mean. I have quite a few strata in my definitions of friendships and consider most acquaintances, rather than true friends.

[NaNi]

I'm having some jealousy issues myself. Not all the time, but they do randomly pop up. I hate it when that happens though. I just try to avoid negative thoughts then. Because there's nothing to worry about anyway.

[sabby64]

I couldn't be with a guy who was jealous of me having guy friends, because 99% of my friends are guys. I just don't like girls very much. I just started University and I have tried making some girlfriends and it's no use, I can't STAND them. I know that guys and girls can only be friends because I have a ton of guy friends that are nothing more then friends, and who have never even tried flirting with me. It's rare, but it does happen.

Brandon doesn't really hang out with many girls, but when he does, I try my best to keep my jealously down, because I know that I wouldn't like it if he started getting mad at me about who I was friends with. When it's really bugging me, I write a blog of call up a friend for a good long chat, or play Halo or Call of Duty for a few hours to get my mind off it. It usually works, and if you can get past the worst of it over time it gets easier to deal with. Don't worry so much about it, you gotta have a little trust to get by

[Cucaratcha]

Thanks a lot for your (big!) answers, I really appreciate.
That's what I was thinking/hoping.
Sometimes I worry too much for nothing. Silviar has right, if she didn't want to be with me, I'd know it... you can't be in a LDR if you don't really love your partner.
Anyway, I still don't feel confortable with that friend, I think it's more because I don't know much about him. Her best friend is a guy, but I met him this summer, and I know he's a good person, so it's fine... I guess it's more a fear of the unknown (does that make sense in english ? :o). I hope I can meet him in april. I won't say anything because she basically hasn't done anything bad at all. POSITIVE POSITIVE !

LunarSnow : I will read your blog entry right now, thanks a lot for your involvement