Completely numb...
I spent 3 wonderful weeks with Ryan over the holidays. I was so happy and everything was just perfect in my eyes. I felt at home with him. I didn't want to leave. We had our conversations and moments and each one was special and each time I felt closer to him...then I returned and he ended it the next day.
I am still in a disbelief and it takes all I have to even type this. For the first time in my life I let my guard down and this is what happens. I had so many walls up but Ryan made me see and feel that I didn't need them. I felt secure and safe with him. I also knew he had his own issues with relationships and I knew his fears and accepted them. He has been burned so bad previously and from what he sees his coworkers go through he is so worried I will resent him later on and leave. He is in the military and I have told him many times I will go wherever he wants me to. I support him 100% and I am very proud of him and it breaks my heart even more that I know he doesn't really want this. He is running from his feelings, fears and issues he knows he has and he knows I see it and still want him. I want him to know I am here for him and he has nothing to worry about...In a sense I know he knows that and that is what scares him. I asked him if he was happy and his response was "do you think I want to do this? Do you think I like doing this," and my reply was "Then why." He said nothing but that is was for the best because it would only just happen years down the road and I would resent him and that he sees this happen all the time. I know dating someone in the military isn't easy and I know that both get bad raps for cheating. He sees this a lot apparently with the men he works with. Even while I was there they always talked about someone new whose wife or gf was leaving and or cheating or unhappy there. I could tell at certain times he pushed away and then almost immediately came back. It's hard to explain but it was like his feelings for me were scaring him and he was getting use to me being there. It was so many things coupled with what he said while I was there and before..none of what happened after I returned makes sense. I don't even make sense. We were planning my next visit in the car on the way to the airport and he decides in a day he can't do this because he will only hurt me later on and I will resent him. He is talking crazy talk. I spoke to his family and his parents validated all the feelings and thoughts I had, he is running. He has also cut me off. I spoke to him the two days after and then I havent heard from him, its been two weeks. His parents told me that this is what he will do, run from his feelings for me so he doesn't get hurt. I thought I was going nuts with those thoughts til I spoke to his parents about it. I felt bad going to them but they were always very nice to me and made me feel comfortable and welcome. His mother said to let him have his cold feet and then contact him. I am going back at the end of the month (Feb) for a few days to talk to him. He is not going to do this without a face to face answer. I told his parents I wanted to go right away and they suggested to wait and let him think. His mother told me to message him every now and then to say hi or something, just to let him know I am still there..which I have. I am in no way mad or angry at him. I can't be angry at him, I know he really does love me and the fact that his feelings for me scare him says something so I can't be mad at him. I have been there, had those thoughts with him, but I didn't run. I stayed and I want to show him he has nothing to fear and I feel like me going there shows him I am serious. I know how he thinks and me going there will show him what he needs to see. I told him I would be coming and he said nothing. He didn't say not to or anything. He couldn't answer questions he knew I was right about, he was just quiet but I could tell the sadness in his voice. I wish I was able to be there right now...
This has been really hard on me. I can't sleep or really do anything. I sit in my room and hide out from people. All anyone does is ask about my trip when I see them and it's too uspetting to talk about because I either end up lying and sayig it was great or I tell what happened and Im crying.
I have never loved or trusted anyone this much in my life. I just feel like an idiot for believing him but then I feel bad for thinking like that because I know he meant what he said. I think that is why I am more upset with him. I know he doesn't mean it and that hurts. We talked about so much for the future and he always reassured me I was his and wasn't going anywhere. I mean he said things and this just contradicts everything he has ever said.
I just don't know what to do. I will be there in a month and I feel that it is the right thing to do either way. If I dont go I will regret and always think "what if." I have to try, he is everything I have ever looked for and as he tells me I am everything he has ever wanted so I am not letting him get away that easily. Sometimes I think you have to fight for the one you love even when it's a horrible time and they are the cause of your pain. I don't expect people to understand me going back over to Europe but I have to do it. Most tell me it's a bad idea but if he were here I would do the same thing, he just happens to be in Europe right now so that is where I shall go.....
I am still in a disbelief and it takes all I have to even type this. For the first time in my life I let my guard down and this is what happens. I had so many walls up but Ryan made me see and feel that I didn't need them. I felt secure and safe with him. I also knew he had his own issues with relationships and I knew his fears and accepted them. He has been burned so bad previously and from what he sees his coworkers go through he is so worried I will resent him later on and leave. He is in the military and I have told him many times I will go wherever he wants me to. I support him 100% and I am very proud of him and it breaks my heart even more that I know he doesn't really want this. He is running from his feelings, fears and issues he knows he has and he knows I see it and still want him. I want him to know I am here for him and he has nothing to worry about...In a sense I know he knows that and that is what scares him. I asked him if he was happy and his response was "do you think I want to do this? Do you think I like doing this," and my reply was "Then why." He said nothing but that is was for the best because it would only just happen years down the road and I would resent him and that he sees this happen all the time. I know dating someone in the military isn't easy and I know that both get bad raps for cheating. He sees this a lot apparently with the men he works with. Even while I was there they always talked about someone new whose wife or gf was leaving and or cheating or unhappy there. I could tell at certain times he pushed away and then almost immediately came back. It's hard to explain but it was like his feelings for me were scaring him and he was getting use to me being there. It was so many things coupled with what he said while I was there and before..none of what happened after I returned makes sense. I don't even make sense. We were planning my next visit in the car on the way to the airport and he decides in a day he can't do this because he will only hurt me later on and I will resent him. He is talking crazy talk. I spoke to his family and his parents validated all the feelings and thoughts I had, he is running. He has also cut me off. I spoke to him the two days after and then I havent heard from him, its been two weeks. His parents told me that this is what he will do, run from his feelings for me so he doesn't get hurt. I thought I was going nuts with those thoughts til I spoke to his parents about it. I felt bad going to them but they were always very nice to me and made me feel comfortable and welcome. His mother said to let him have his cold feet and then contact him. I am going back at the end of the month (Feb) for a few days to talk to him. He is not going to do this without a face to face answer. I told his parents I wanted to go right away and they suggested to wait and let him think. His mother told me to message him every now and then to say hi or something, just to let him know I am still there..which I have. I am in no way mad or angry at him. I can't be angry at him, I know he really does love me and the fact that his feelings for me scare him says something so I can't be mad at him. I have been there, had those thoughts with him, but I didn't run. I stayed and I want to show him he has nothing to fear and I feel like me going there shows him I am serious. I know how he thinks and me going there will show him what he needs to see. I told him I would be coming and he said nothing. He didn't say not to or anything. He couldn't answer questions he knew I was right about, he was just quiet but I could tell the sadness in his voice. I wish I was able to be there right now...
This has been really hard on me. I can't sleep or really do anything. I sit in my room and hide out from people. All anyone does is ask about my trip when I see them and it's too uspetting to talk about because I either end up lying and sayig it was great or I tell what happened and Im crying.
I have never loved or trusted anyone this much in my life. I just feel like an idiot for believing him but then I feel bad for thinking like that because I know he meant what he said. I think that is why I am more upset with him. I know he doesn't mean it and that hurts. We talked about so much for the future and he always reassured me I was his and wasn't going anywhere. I mean he said things and this just contradicts everything he has ever said.
I just don't know what to do. I will be there in a month and I feel that it is the right thing to do either way. If I dont go I will regret and always think "what if." I have to try, he is everything I have ever looked for and as he tells me I am everything he has ever wanted so I am not letting him get away that easily. Sometimes I think you have to fight for the one you love even when it's a horrible time and they are the cause of your pain. I don't expect people to understand me going back over to Europe but I have to do it. Most tell me it's a bad idea but if he were here I would do the same thing, he just happens to be in Europe right now so that is where I shall go.....
He seems like a great guy, and what he is doing is out of his love for you, I think he just might be a bit overwhelmed at the moment. In time, he will think on this I am sure. It must be hard when he can see other people's relationships breaking down, but hopefully he will realise, just because other people's have ended, it doesn't mean your relationship will end that way too. 
The Day we went long distance: 08.08.2010
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