I just barely deffered his thoughts about ending our 2 year relationship...

[asianbarbie0917]

Okay well my bf just graduated from AF basic on sat. and I got a phone call from him today and we were able to talk for an hour, and it was going well, but then i asked him about us, and where we were going and about plans for the future. He said he didnt know because he didnt know what was going to happen with the AF. But I pushed it and I kept asking questions about us extending our relationship and other stuff.
And then he started tearing up and said "I dont know if this is going to work out... I'm in love with you, but look at where we are. I'm in the AF and you have every oppurtunity open to you! I cant hold you back anymore" and so forth he goes on. Then I stopped him, saying tht he wasn't doubting the relationship, he was doubting the situation.
He was crying and he ended the phone call saying that "ok fine I'll talk to you later, this is too much right now, I love you, good night"... then he hung up
Okay.. now what do I do from here? How do i reassure him? He's very skeptical of everything and he's scared of it not working out. I'm not gonna be able to see him again for another 3-4 months while he's in Tech school. I know that if I just keep it going long enough to get into this groove of this situation then everything will be okay...

But what can i say or do now?

[Mio]

I think he is just going trough rough patches right now. We all have doubting moments, fears and pains. It seems like he loves you a lot, he is only scared. But you gotta be there for him, tell him with words and actions that you don't think he is holding you up and that you will stick by him because you love him, and love goes above all things.

Best wishes!

[PurpleDreamer]

I agree with Mio, it sounds like your SO is going through a difficult patch right now, something most of us go through at times. All you can really do is reassure him that he is not holding you back and reiterate your feelings for him. Make sure it is very clear to him that you have absolute faith in the love that the two of you share and that you know that the two of you can get through this and anything else thrown your way. Just keep reiterating the fact that you want a future with HIM.

It really does sound like he loves you a lot and cares very deeply for you. I really hope that he gets out of this funk that he seems to be in right now very soon!

[punkpain]

Everyone is differnt on how they can be comforted and reassured. I think you just have to keep telling him that you arent giving up and let him know that you dont want to end things. He sounds like he needs to hear that you arent letting go either as hard as it is for you two to be away from each other. LDRs are a constant battle of reassuring each other that things will be ok and bidding time. Keep your head up. He doesnt sound like he is trying to break up with you, just unsure of how you are holding up and not wanting to holding you back if you arent on the same page. Again reassure him of your feelings and make sure he knows that you are both in the same place. Though I would advise not pushing to see where things are going. It makes things really hard on the relationship by adding extra pressure. If you are in it for the long haul and love him, focus on the present.

[asianbarbie0917]

Yea I know you're right, but our situations makes it difficult to have time to talk, and we havent seen each other for so long. We were in a CDR up until January so the sudden transition is depressing and i think we both keep on having spats about how we're gonna make this possible. It seems as if the world is against us and that we just aren't sure of anything

[ErinKristine]

Well the world isn't against you, the military just has a way of complicating things at times. My SO is in the Army and we've been in an LDR for 2 years, in that time we've probably only seen each other 8 months (combining all the time we've spent together). Did you write letters to each other while he was in basic? Do you plan to write and send care packages while he's in tech school? Even though the two of you can't always talk on the phone, you can still communicate through letters.
Probably pushing about where your relationship is going right after he graduated basic put more stress on him. Basic is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining to many. He may have friends from basic who had relationships fail and he may be frightened the same will happen to your relationship. I know many people in the military who talk about how they feel bad their SOs are waiting for them at home, when many times it's hard to say when the next time you'll see each other is.
It sounds like he does love you and really is just scared the military will get in the way and that you may not want to wait for him (although since you're looking for advice obviously you want this relationship to work). To reassure him just send him letters and stuff, let him know that you want this work and that you will wait for him.
Feel free to contact me if you want anymore insight into other military related things, I know of a few other people here who are in relationships with members of the military.

[asianbarbie0917]

But its so hard to figure out what he needs to here, shouls I confront the issues we're having, or just let them kinda die away and move past them?

[ErinKristine]

I just let my SO know that I'll always be there for him no matter what and that he's not holding me back from achieving any of my dreams. I would just confront the issue by reassuring him that you are in this for the long run and that he has nothing to be afraid. Did he happen to mention why he was feeling the way he was? That could help me come up with a better answer, but overall yes I think the issue should be confronted because it's not healthy for either of you to constantly worry that your relationship isn't going to last because of the situation.

[asianbarbie0917]

He said that it was because we both had different ways of life. I'm being accepted to some of the top colleges in the US while he didn't have much academic success and he ended up joing the AF. He keeps saying tht I'm the princess and tht he's the foot soldier and he doesnt believe its fair

[ErinKristine]

Last year when I was applying to graduate schools I told my SO that I wanted to somewhere to close to where ever he ended up getting stationed. He felt bad that I was going to base my decision off of where he was because he didn't want me to miss out on an opportunity. I'm now going to a school that's just six hours from him, I could have gone to one that was only an hour from where he is stationed, but I chose this school because it's still pretty close to him and I'm close to our families.
When we talked about all the different factors going into my decision his main concern was that I was going to go to a school that I would regret going to just because of him. I told him the only thing I would ever regret is not being with him and that's why I was willing to go where ever he was because I know that if I let him go it would be a big mistake.
What he really needs to think about is if it's fair to either of you to end a relationship you both seem to want just because the situation you're both in isn't "fair."
My SO went to college and is an officer, so while we both went to college we both still have different ways of life, differences are what make many relationships so great. You two must have some similarities otherwise you probably wouldn't have made it two years already.

[asianbarbie0917]

Thats actually one of the biggest worries he has I personally dont have a preference towards a particular college, however I feel that I want to be by him more than anything else. I do worry about the rationality of it seeing the fact that we're both young, but I've always been a risk taker (he's conservative) and I just need to go to college, bottom line and if i had a choice to do it by him or not then it should be obvious. I think relationships are about whats better for both, and I honestly believe that tht would be close to him. But I know that he's scared that we're gonna make the worng choice and that something bad will happen, I just dont know how to make that go away

[ErinKristine]

Now I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just offering my insight on this situation. Should you pick a school you're not entirely thrilled about just because it's close to him, no. I know for my undergraduate school I ended up transferring because I didn't like the school, would you transfer to school that was further away just because you felt like it was better fit. I know the feeling of wanting to be close to my SO, but I also know the importance of making rational decisions. If you honestly don't have a preference right now then you should consider picking a school that's relatively close to him. Do you know where his first "permanent" duty station is going to be?
As for making the feeling of being scared go away, that's hard to answer, I think getting rid of that feeling is going to take some time to go away and it may not go away until you are both settled where ever it is you're going to end up (you at college and he at his first duty station).

[asianbarbie0917]

I just wish it'd be soon, I dont know, I'm finishing up my junior year (enough credits to graduate early). And he'll be at tech school till august. So that means we wouldnt be "together" until next summer. Part of me worries about how that length of time and the stress would affect our relationship. There's alot to overcome and he gets discouraged very easily.... I'm a fighter in everything I do so i see this as something to conquer, he however doesnt want to challenge the order of things and lets life go wherever and that can mean giving up when thngs get bad.