Feeling SO Down!

[delhommefan]

I know I haven't posted here much so I feel a little bad asking for sympathy... But wow...I am just feeling so freakin down about this whole situation right now! A little background, Joe and I were long distance (seeing each other every other weekend) for 16 months. In July he landed a job in my city so we moved in together. Unfortunately his job didn't really deliver what was promised. He has 4 kids in another state and he needed to make enough money to cover child support and travel back to the kids every other weekend as he had always done with his road job (and that job paid enough for him to do all that...). He looked around more here for something else but the job he ended up getting put him permanantly 10 hours away (but thankfully only a few hours from his kids). We've been through a lot and we love each other very much. we've both been through a divorce, we both had kids. The reason I cannot move to where he is is because my ex would never allow me to move out of state with our daughter, AND I couldn't ever take her from her Dad. They are very close.

I guess I'm just having a hard time because we had 6 months of living together, we got along great, it brought us even closer, and now its over and I have NO idea when it will ever end. At this point he's doing what he needs to do with his job. He's on a mission to make money and spend all the time with his kids that he can. I completely understand this so I don't mean to sound selfish in any way. Bottom line is that its only been two weeks since he's been gone and every night I am home alone without my daughter (like tonight, shes with her Dad) I am a complete wreck. I hate being alone and I don't know whats wrong with me. I've always been a confident, independent woman so I really hate this feeling. It makes me question the whole relationship, it makes me question decisions I've made in the past (like getting divorced...although I KNOW that was a good decision...its just that any time you go through that, you will always wonder what could've been sometimes). He's staying with his parents right now also. They are elderly and they needed some help so this is another reason he chose this other job which is great. He has a wonderful family. But I guess I feel selfish sometimes. He calls me after work and he's so upbeat about the job, the conversations he had with his parents, the great weather (hes in south Florida...I'm in NC...weather kinda sucks here now...). And even though I love him and WANT the best for him, sometimes it just gets to me because I feel stuck here alone. Of course when I have my daughter the feelings aren't so much like that, but when I'm alone it just sucks. I want to reach out to my friends for some support but I just don't feel like they get it. And I hate burdoning people with my problems. I shouldn't be so negative like this because he does all he can to make me feel better. We see each other as much as we can, he calls me all the time, I don't really have any trust issues with him or anything. Its just the fact that I loved that feeling of coming home to him at night and now its gone. If I had some idea of when we'd have that again it would make this whole thing easier but it realistically could be 10+ years before we could. I love him so much but I just don't know how to deal with the emptiness I'm feeling right now...

[Miramaid]

wow that sounds like a lot of things at once but more than anything that you feel lonely. I wish your man was closer and I am not familiar with laws, but how come you can not move out of state? What if you get a better job in another state? That just makes no sense to me. I understand that if you do you probably would have to send your daughter to spend time with her dad on holidays and in the summer, but since him and her get along well may be that would not be so bad? I also think that you should not feel afraid to reach our for friends, even though I know how taht feels sometimes coz I am the same way and I do not always feel like calling them and talking about my problems.
I used to have a hobby: photography. That used to help me a lot. I even won a competition once. May be having a hobby would help and would help you meet new people. Like go to a dance class when you are not with your daughter.
And of course all of us are here for you

[murphfan51]

Awww its ok! I am sure it will all work out for the best!
Just keep your head up and keep optimistic and you can do anything!
When your alone keep going, don't soak yourself in loneliness, like Tissa says get a hobby or somthing entertaining to do during these times!
Don't feel bad!!! We are here to listen and help each other through times like these!

[BabyGund]

Get busy! Find a new hobby or resurrect your love for an old one.

I have BTDT - I think that loneliness and neediness came out in December and forced the break between us. Luckily for me, I started school 2 weeks ago and now I've been too busy to pine away and think about what ifs. And he sees that too, and came back, especially since he knew I'd be on campus, meeting new people! ;-)

Honestly, on these nights when you don't have your daughter, can you volunteer? Join the Junior League? Take a community extension class? Go to the gym?

[delhommefan]

I generally do go to the gym on nights I don't have her. Today was just a BAD day. I'm addicted to the gym but I just wasn't able to pull myself up today. I should say too that I'm typically a pretty positive person so I know this shall pass but I hate, hate, hate these negative thoughts going through my head! As for moving out of state, it won't work because we share 50/50 custody so if I left with my daughter that would be kidnapping. It also would be very selfish since we agreed to this arrangement so she could have equal time with each of us and she does well on that schedule. Its possible that after I graduate in December (I lost my job last year and I'm in school now) that I could land a job somewhere else that paid more and at that time I may need to bring it up to my ex. But for now I don't see it happening. He's not my biggest fan. However I have job alerts set up for my SO's area and my area and there are way more down there and they pay way better. So when the time comes, it is possible that we may have to make adjustments. Bottom line though is that I'm not giving up custody (and to leave the state thats what I would have to do right now) and I've got to get through school anyway and see what happens. He and I were talking tonight and he said he's gonna talk to some attorneys down there about jobs (I'm a paralegal & he sells to attorneys) and see what kind of feedback he gets. I know most of the jobs there pay about $15-$20K more than in Charlotte so we shall see...

[skinbyrd85]

It could be that he's forcing himself to sound upbeat because he doesn't want to worry you - my SO has been known to do that. And yeah I definitely agree with what others have said, that keeping yourself busy when your daughter isn't there will help. I do Muay Thai kickboxing, which I take my daughter with me to during the week, and also train in the weekends when she's not with me. And in the weekends I try and go see bands a lot with my friends so I'm not sitting at home dwelling on things.

[BabyGund]

I certainly understand having that occasional bad day. We all do. Those are the nights I buy a single slice of red velvet cake at the store and indulge!

ETA: If it helps, eventually I'll have to make some similar decisions. I'm in school PT and working 3/4 time. Once I finish my MBA, I'll more than likely have to move out of state though not necessarily to The Boy's state. At that point, a decision is going to have to be made regarding custody of my daughter with my ex. But I've also made it clear that leaving her with her father is an option. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. But I also know he would try to fight for custody. If I defuse him ahead of time, he may take me up on it or he may decide the fight is not worth it.