Seeking advice on closing the distance.

[MrsExPrez]

Hello everyone. Well first off I'm new - so hi ladies and gentlemen!
I guess I am just at a loss with my current situation with my SO and would appreciate any words of advice or encouragement.

Well, I will start off by giving some background information. He is currently 30 years old and living 2,500 miles from me. We have never met in person but I'm sure you all know how it is.. Hours and hours of talking a day can spark magic. Pictures, phone calls, webcam chats, etc. etc. We have been together 7 months on Friday, yay!
Now, my issue is really getting him out here. He has firmly expressed his interest and dedication to moving here, so this isn't a new idea, nor is it unwelcomed by him. But the problem, which seems to be a horrible one in this economy, is the money it will take to get him here.

I am fully aware of the time and patience it takes to save up the money to make such a big move like that, but what I am having trouble with is keeping him grounded and committed to working towards it. I told him I would have no problem working too and doing what I can to pitch in.

He is in a difficult position, and is currently unemployed (because of a lay off) but actively looking for work. He has told me before that he just does not make enough to pay rent where he currently lives, among all other bills, and save up for the move. I have heard and seen many people do just that, and this website is firm proof.

I guess what I am trying to sort out is what can I do to help him work towards this goal? How can I be helpful? Have any of you had to save up to make an actual move across country and was it a longer wait than you expected?

Keep in mind he must find a new job here (obviously) and rent a place of his own, along with the travel expenses out here. ..Pretty hefty.

If this is not informative enough, I will gladly answer more questions. I just really need support and help right now. Thank you guys so much.

[Silviar]

Hey, welcome to the site.

So, I was in the same situation as you - I had a job and my SO was unemployed right out of school. Really, what you can do is be supportive, but there's nothing else you can do while he looks for a job. Once he has a job, if you want to help him write a budget, if you're good with that - and don't be afraid to talk about money - that could be of use. Or ask him since he's moving there, offer to pay for maybe the rental truck or something, since he's moving to you. I think it's fair to pay for something when closing the distance.

I've had to save up to move to Australia. It has taken longer than I'd like, because living considerations have to come first. My SO is paying for my ticket since I'm paying for the visa, the other moving costs, and so on. I personally don't think it's a good idea to move without an emergency fund, and my visa requires me to have at least $5k anyways, so in my case I have to have some either way, but still, I wouldn't do it without the money either way.

What he can do to plan for that is start making a list of things he needs to do and costs he'll have. All sorts of things will come under consideration. Here's a blog post I wrote about it:

https://members.lovingfromadistance....r-the-Big-Move

The point is that there's all sorts of things you have to pay for when moving that you might not consider, like turning off utilities can sometimes cost. That sort of thinking, if he isn't already, may be why he's hesitating, and that's smart. You want to bless your future, not have him struggle out only to have to move away.

[Silviar]

Damn double post. >.<;;

[mllebamako]

Silviar gave some great advice there. You guys will have to be patient, saving up for a move takes a long time especially if you want to save up enough to have extra emergency money (which I highly recommend). There are so many hidden costs to moving so it's good that you guys are thinking about this now. Especially in this economy where finding a minimum wage job within a month isn't even certain anymore.

Call me 'Conservative Cathy' if you want, but are you guys going to meet before he makes such a big move like that? I just think it's a huge step to take when you haven't met someone in person.

[lucybelle]

Agree with the above posts. But thought I would also add, is it possible for him to actually move in with you? That way you all could split a lot of costs. My SO is moving in with me and I'm actually planning on paying all the bills as I have a full time job, and he won't have a job at all. I don't suggest paying his rent for him, but if you live together you could continue paying the rent until he has a job to help out.

And I agree with mllebamako, you sure you don't want to meet first? Maybe split the plane ticket for whoever flies to see the other?

[Silviar]

Silviar gave some great advice there. You guys will have to be patient, saving up for a move takes a long time especially if you want to save up enough to have extra emergency money (which I highly recommend). There are so many hidden costs to moving so it's good that you guys are thinking about this now. Especially in this economy where finding a minimum wage job within a month isn't even certain anymore.

Call me 'Conservative Cathy' if you want, but are you guys going to meet before he makes such a big move like that? I just think it's a huge step to take when you haven't met someone in person.

Oh, I missed that! Adding my voice to the make sure you meet and spend at least a weekend, preferably a week together before anyone moves anywhere! You don't want to be stuck with a roommate that ends up not working out as your SO for some reason that you never had a chance to address.

[MrsExPrez]

Thank you all for the replies!
I actually think meeting first for a week or so would be a good idea, but he doesn't want to have to leave and go back home without me, and doesn't want to spend the money that he could be saving just to stay here. I think he is kind of sold on moving here, but then doesn't take the initiative once I actually embrace the idea and get really excited about it! What is a girl to do? Haha.
I think his mindset is he is very miserable where he is to begin with, and has packed up his life and went wherever the wind has taken him before. So I don't necessarily think he is afraid. We're talking about a tough cookie here.
That is why his own place is a good idea in my opinion, establish his independence as a resident here in my city. Branch out and connect. Conquer.
But I do agree that living together could be more helpful. I dunno.. I guess I will have to just bring it up in a calm manner and try to be open about his responses and give him LOVING nudges in the right direction.