When the problem isn't distance...

[LadyEcstsasy]

I posted this in my blog but was really looking for some help coping with this. Anyone with any advice on getting through this, thank you.

It's not the distance. I mean, 160 miles isn't so bad. And even with college starting and him leaving and being busy again... it wouldn't be so bad were it not for this one thing.

His parents.

I've always had a hard time with parents, even just friends' parents. I have a lot of issues and bad relations with my own parents, so it's hard for me to know what to say to someone else's parents.

When I first met them I thought things were ok. His dad spoke to me, his mom and I "hung out" (she's the kind of mom who tries to be young) and talked about a lot of frivilous things but also some serious things, like my plans for the future, my desire to get back into college, my desire to see M succeed and my fear of being blamed if he has trouble in school. Things seemed ok and I thought I had done well.

Now I'm not so sure at all. I question myself constantly, am doubtful, and wonder what on earth I did wrong to make them suddenly hate me so much, to make them want to do everything in their power to prevent me from seeing their son, the man I love with all my heart.

I know his mom said that she wouldn't blame me no matter what happened at school. But after last semester and grades showing that he struggled, suddenly I'm a piriah. His dad speaks to me even less, barely looks at me. And constantly brings up school to M, my bf, if I'm in the room. His mom still tries to appear nice but makes me uncomfortable in the way that I feel like I'm a burden, I can sense that she's being insincere and she bad mouths me behind my back any time my name comes up. The last couple times I visited him, I flatly refused to eat around his parents and hesitated to even get a soda to drink. I just feel so unwanted. I just keep my head down, speak when spoken to, and avoid having to spend too much time around them, because I feel that's what they want me to do. It's sickening and not what I wanted. Half the time I feel just like I do at my own home. And the thing is, I shouldn't have to take this kind of b.s. from people who aren't my parents.

She keeps saying she doesn't blame me, but I can tell by the way she acts that that can't be true. Any time he mentions my name she completely blows up. They've made it perfectly clear to him (and myself, not realizing I was able to hear), that they don't want me to help him, they want to. But when he asks for help from them they're over-controlling and rarely give much help. Not only that, but my skills and M's skills are complimentary.

On top of that, now they're saying that they won't help him at all and that he can't come home for spring break if I go up to visit the college without their permission. This is completely outrageous. I am intending to re-apply to the school (I used to go there last year, but left for personal reasons involving an abusing now ex-boyfriend.) and have many friends that go there, as well as an advisor who wants to meet with me in person to further discuss my plans. She's also said now that there's no way that I can come see him this semester and it's looking like we may have to wait all summer too. The soonest right now could be August, and that's IF I get accepted back into college. Her final words were "She can go take a lump" (whatever that means), and hung up on him after telling him to keep it between her and him - again, not realizing that he and I had skype running and I could hear her screaming.

She's called me a distraction, stupid, a burden, I just can't take it any more. I care so much about him, I wish his parents could see how much I love him that I would do anything for him but this situation with his parents is causing so many problems between M and I. I know he loves his parents, but I can also see how badly they're hurting him right now. I worry so much that it could be the end of our relationship, even though both of us are so serious about each other and want to stay together.

[LadyMarchHare]

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. Second, it sounds like his parents have always been this way and it's nothing you've done. Some people you can make the world's best impression to and they'll still call you names or think you're the spawn of a demon. I can't quite put my finger on what their problem is exactly aside from wanting control over their son and seeing him with either no one or someone they believe deserves him, which who knows what their insane standards are. Does M have a problem with this treatment of either you or him at all, or is he taking it all with a grain of salt? Because to me it sounds like he needs to lay down the law with them and make them understand that he's an adult and perfectly capable of dating someone with a brain and personality and they need to back off. That's entirely my opinion though, but if they're an element that could break you two then something, either family counseling or distancing, needs to be done for your sanity and his.

I usually tell people with SO-parent problems that they're just icing on the cake, it can be scraped off or ignored altogether, but I think in this instance they're more like powdered sugar on your shirt--a pain in the ass and no matter how many times you swipe at it it's not going away. Again I'm sorry you're going through this and that it's affecting you so badly. I know I'd feel horrible if my SO's mom suddenly turned on me with no rhyme or reason beyond some inane ideal or what have you.

[Silviar]

Well, first off, I think it's great that you realize that you're not to blame here. Repeat ad nauseum. She's the one with the problem, and anyone who blames someone else for a person's problems is in denial. Your SO is responsible for his successes and failures.

Sometimes parents though say really, REALLY stupid things. My best friend in high school/college had a mom very similar. This doesn't mean that she necessarily hates you at all - from her perspective, she's probably freaking out that her kid is being a lazy brat in college after she's been putting all this money into his secondary education, and she's blaming anything and everything so the money isn't 'lost'.

I suspect it's more to do with spouting off and being unable to handle her real feelings about the situation. Be polite to her, and limit contact. You and your boyfriend do what you want to do, and enjoy your love. It's his mom's problem, and if she wants to have a fit of the screaming mimi's, unfortunately he has to deal with it.

I do think that's part of it. The other part with the name calling concerns me. It could go one of two ways - either she's one of those crazy mums who cannot handle her shit and she's an overprotective crazy mom, or again - situational. Don't hang your head. Be yourself, Smile. Live life and don't be afraid to look them in the eye. A very wise woman once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't give her that consent.

As a long-term thing... my ex's mom did not like me at ALL, and was almost as bad as your SO's mom. We ended up not working out for other reasons, but by the time we divorced, she really liked me. My point is that crazy people have their own ball of yarn to bat around, but they can and do eventually unravel it sometimes. You'll want to keep an eye on her if you guys start discussing marriage and forever, and how you want to handle her if she's still crazy pants. Because like it or not, you do marry into each other's families.

[neowneow]

I went through (and kinda still am) a situation just like yours, except the amount of hostility in your case seems to be a little more, which is awful. Basically, her parents resented me coming into her life because they worried that she would drop everything (ie, school) and move up to live with me. I'm sure they were also worried that I would break her heart, naturally since they hardly knew me. Well, a couple semesters and a handful of visits later, I've definitely noticed a huge amount of the hostility relieved, and I didn't really do anything in particular to try and earn it. I think all the parents really need is to have what they suspect disproven. Help motivate your SO to get amazing marks. Show his parents that even with you in his life, or better yet, because you're in his life, his marks can be great. Once they realize they have nothing to resent about you, they should stop.

Obviously until then it's exhausting for you both. I don't want to convince you to do something that can make things worse, but if you REALLY need it, you can always visit and mutually keep it a secret, or have him visit you (which isn't technically breaking their little rule).

[LadyEcstsasy]

Thank you guys so much for your responses. You've given me some things to think about and discuss with him later.

In answer to some of LadyMarchHare's questions - Part of the problem for me is in fact that he doesn't stick up for me. On one hand I can understand, on the other I feel betrayed and hurt. My family situation is much different than his and I was a highly rebellious teenager (who later became a rebellious adult lol). If the situation was reversed and it was my mother getting up in arms, I'd basically tell her to stfu and ignore her until she got off her butt and apologized. (She and I know this because I've done it before. It wasn't pretty). I'm not afraid of my parents, and I'm definitely not afraid of standing up for myself.

M on the other hand, not so much. For lack of a better term, he's been his parents lapdog basically since he was born. Any chance that he might've had any signs of sticking up for himself or arguing his rights, he got shot down so fast he didn't know what hit him. He's deathly afraid of making the situation worse, so when his mom starts yelling at him about me, he gets upset and basically freezes. He knows I'm hurt, but he's too afraid to say anything. I understand that he doesn't want to make the situation worse and wants to hold on to the hope that she'll calm down and I can come see him during the semster (whereas if he argues, there's no hope at all). I honestly can't say which I'd prefer but what I do know, is that what he's doing and how he's handling it, isn't working for me and I really don't think it's working for him either. Unfortunately I can't really do much to help him either. He's afraid if I do what I do best and open my mouth and be frank with his parents that it'll make things worse.

To Neowneow - I get where you're coming from completely. I thought that was the problem too, only we seem to be moving in the complete opposite direction lol. I have visited him a few times and we have been together for a semester (unfortunately a semester which M didn't do so hot in college. But he's never been the scholarly type either). So I can understand to a degree why they'd freak out. But after telling me to my face, swearing that they understood it was their son not me, and then to have her call me these things? After telling him that he'd still get to see me once in a while, and then suddenly out of the blue changing their mind? They do this to me alot, say that I can see him and then last minute, "oh, this came up. He's leaving again." He's had to cancel on me a lot because of them. And the worst thing we could probably do would be to visit in secret. It's right up my ally, but I'm afraid M is too paranoid and fearful to do it. And he most certainly can't come see me. I don't want to be a distraction, and I know his parents would nose into his finances to find out if he bought an Amtrak ticket.

The thing that really bugs me is that I'm worried his grades will suffer this semester because we can't be together. With his mom constantly saying things, him being unable to stop her, knowing it's hurting me, and knowing we can't see each other, is putting a lot of pressure on him. We've talked about 'taking a break' until the situation clears up so he can focus. But I don't think that's the road to go either. His parents don't see how much I ride his butt to do his schoolwork, to get to class on time, to talk to his profs... they take everything I do for him and twist into some negative impact. It's hard not to take it personal sometimes, not to get really down about it (since my last relationship was actually ruined by my now ex's parents AFTER I had left college for HIM. But M's parents don't know that), I stick up for myself now but I've never really had much self-esteem. Hearing all this is a tough pill to swallow. But I know I'd be worse off if I didn't know the truth of how she feels about me, if he tried to hide it from me.

[stacyrose]

I absolutely agree that it isn't your fault.

I've had issues with my SO's parents in the past as well. I'm generally a shy person, especially when I first meet people, and in my SO's parents case, we didn't exactly meet on the best of terms. Because when I first went to visit him he would go out and meet me and hang out until late at night, and when asked by his parents he told them he was with friends, and eventually they caught him, so when I first went to formally meet them, it was awkward from the get go. His stepmother is obnoxiously loud and opinionated, and apparently my cool and shy reserve around her was "disrespect". His father also thinks my behavior is "disrespectful", when really I'm not doing anything to them other than loving their son, and just because I'm not loud and outspoken and have a million things to say to them, they label that as disrespect. They used to complain to him alot about me too, and that always hurt my feelings.

A big thing to remember is that people aren't going to change who they are, and you just need to accept it's their problem, not yours. And also it's best to not point fingers at your SO's parents, because if you make him take sides, that will cause fights in the long run, and while you should express your concerns to him, I tend to stay quiet for the sake of peace, and usually that has helped me out, and they've gotten considerably better towards me since we first entered the relationship. Just give it time, hang in there! =]

[delhommefan]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through that! (((HUGS))) While I personally haven't experienced problems with a guy's parents, my ex-husbands older sister used to try to sabotage our relationship a lot (after we got married ironically...it was all good before...). I agree with the previous poster however that people generally don't change. My SO always says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result because we both deal with a lot of drama from our baby daddy/baby mama and its like we have to accept how they are if we are going to have any kind of relationship with our children. I guess this is somewhat similar because if you are going to continue your relationship with your SO, his family comes with it, kwim? That being said, I would be pretty offended if my SO's parents treated me like that and he never tried to at least state his position to them or stand up for me. I know it can be hard with the people we love (especially parents...I'm 32 and I still care what mine think!) but at the same time if they are dogging you, he needs to explain how he feels and that he is an adult. They may not change their position unfortunately but its still important that he say something. Also, I have struggled with feelings of being "less than" when I was younger around other adults, managers at work, etc. The older you get the less you care. I mean I know my worth and you need to know yours too. My parents sometimes thought my ex-husband was a distraction from my school work because we met when I was 20 and I ended up dropping out of college to marry him. But ya know what? That was 100% MY choice! There's some negative things I can say about the guy, but he never discouraged my school work when we met. I just chose what I chose and even he discouraged it, but I was an adult and I made my choices. Ultimately, its up to your SO to man up and do well. If you were really trying to sabotage his efforts that would be one thing, but it doesn't sound like the case at all. (((BIG HUGS))) to you!!!