Not sure what to do.

[BoogleBee]

Hey everyone,
So I arrived back from Germany a week ago today after spending a wonderful 7.5 weeks with my SO. It was heaven, so perfect and amazing. And yet within a week of being home I have already upset her and everything.

So what happened is that she sent me an email invitation for a date night this friday night her time so tomorrow morning my time. I accepted and was really excited for it. Like well and truly really looking forward to it.
Until we both realised that we had forgotten that I had a breakfast with my friends that morning. The breakfast has been planned for over a month and that whole time I have said I was going to be coming.
I said we could move the date night to sunday morning my time/sat night hers but she is stubborn and said no even though it is possible.

So now my SO is really upset with me if I go to the breakfast. I tell myself well it was organised first and it is both of our faults that we forgot about the breakfast with my friends. She says I need to put her first and doesn't know if she can handle this LDR if I am going to be like this.

I said I will make sure when we plan our date nights in future we will make sure they don't clash but it isn't making anything better. We have been arguing about this for nearly 3 days. I keep trying to stop it but it doesn't help. It continues.
If I don't go to the breakfast our date is already ruined anyway as neither of us are in the mood anymore.

I just don't know what to do...any advice as to who is right..or wrong? I'm so upset, and disappointed...and everything. We had a perfect time together. Why can we just be happy.
I miss her so much..this doesn't help..

Also we have spoken since I have been back. And had a video chat last week when everything was good. but every time we talk now I end up feeling like crap.

[lucybelle]

I think she's mostly upset that you're gone, and these feelings are being combined and making her unusually upset. It's very important to go and hang out with your friends and she should understand that. Go to the breakfast with your friends but before you leave, send her an email saying how much you wish she was there with you. Tell her you're sorry that you messed up the date but keep the email very upbeat (not sorrowful). And tell her you really hope that you will see her at the other time because you are really excited about your date.

Good luck.

[KiwiLove]

Yes just as lucybelle said, write her an email before you go to the breakfast. And GO there!
Because it was planned before you agreed having a date night with your SO.
I think no one is right or wrong. It was a silly missunderstanding and due to the feelings of missing each other it have gotten worse than it should be.

When you get back from your breakfast, tell her how it was and that you liked it (if so) but now you are so so much looking forward to have a date with her very soon!!

*Good luck*

[nicole]

I've been in your SO's situation. I know soon after I left my SO mixed some dates up for one of our anniversaries. It ended with me getting very upset and I wouldn't let him do an alternate night. I canceled it altogether and we both suffered more because I was too stubborn to let him make it up to me. I guess I was sort of punishing him for forgeting and not being there in person as stupid and irrational as that sounds. I knew full well it was just a silly mistake. Seems to be the same thing here. I know what you mean though, if he canceled on his friend to be with me, neither of us would have been in the mood anymore.

To go from spending so much time together back to LD (especially with the time difference between you two), it must be hard, and she just wants to spend time with you. Emotions are running high right now, I think you should have a final sit-down and sort it out. It's good you can have it on an alternate night so go from there. Maybe try to do something to make the alternate night extra special?

[NaNi]

I didn't want to post on this, but you going to the breakfast would be okay if you wouldn't have canceled other dates in the past to just be with your friends. Even when our date was planned way in advance for a change.

I just don't think that things will really change. Since you already made it clear that your friends are just as important as me.

Also the fact that you left Germany earlier than you had to, to, surprise surprise, be with your friend for her birthday.

[Caitlin2009]

I didn't want to post on this, but you going to the breakfast would be okay if you wouldn't have canceled other dates in the past to just be with your friends. Even when our date was planned way in advance for a change.

I just don't think that things will really change. Since you already made it clear that your friends are just as important as me.

Also the fact that you left Germany earlier than you had to, to, surprise surprise, be with your friend for her birthday.

:/ your being a bit selfish dont you think? she spent 7.5 weeks with you thats more then was originally planned. She has to spend time with her friends too, yeah sure you are a big priority in her life but she has to live her life too! its not like she intentionally forgot she had other things planned, things happen!

[garnet]

My ex husband used to put his friends as a very high priority in his life, always equal to, or higher than me (not to say BoogleBee does or doesn't do this). We had this type of thing happen too, a date planned for a long time, and then he would suddenly remember something with one of those friends, and our date was quickly discarded.
I can see this isn't the popular answer here, but I think sometimes the SO has to come first. LDRs are so hard anyway, and time spent together online is never as much as we would like it to be, so those dates are that much more important. I don't know, I would just think that a date that was especially important to my SO could come first, even if it meant breaking other plans. You guys just had to say goodbye, so it's especially difficult right now, a special date could help keep you connected.
This is JMO, but to me, SO > friends.

[Silviar]

I can see why both of you are upset. Having been through the pain of separating after a long time together, it's extra hard. It doesn't matter if things are back to normal, there's still a bit of a sting as you adjust from living with someone to living solo again. And yet, not going out with friends once you return is hard; I think it's a necessary part of the reintegration process of where you're at.

Flexbility from both parties, and an understanding that these scheduling conflicts happen sometime, is important. And I think understanding the balance of time in hanging out with friends versus hanging out with an SO is important. Both relationships are important and deserve respect - and time to interact.

[Silviar]

I can see why both of you are upset. Having been through the pain of separating after a long time together, it's extra hard. It doesn't matter if things are back to normal, there's still a bit of a sting as you adjust from living with someone to living solo again. And yet, not going out with friends once you return is hard; I think it's a necessary part of the reintegration process of where you're at.

Flexbility from both parties, and an understanding that these scheduling conflicts happen sometime, is important. And I think understanding the balance of time in hanging out with friends versus hanging out with an SO is important. Both relationships are important and deserve respect - and time to interact.

[Riyko]

I've been in both positions before so i understand where you are both coming from, it's a hard situation. What my ex and i always did was we canceled both of the plans we made and rescheduled both of them at different times so we'd be in the mood for doing both, our friends understood the reasoning for it and were fine with it. The reason we did that was because we always forgot about one of the plans or the other and it helped make neither of us feel guilty.

i honestly don't think either of you are wrong, you both miss each other and especially so soon after a visit fights tend to be worse because you still want to be with each other, what is happening will pass it'll just take some time

[Silviar]

My ex husband used to put his friends as a very high priority in his life, always equal to, or higher than me (not to say BoogleBee does or doesn't do this). We had this type of thing happen too, a date planned for a long time, and then he would suddenly remember something with one of those friends, and our date was quickly discarded.
I can see this isn't the popular answer here, but I think sometimes the SO has to come first. LDRs are so hard anyway, and time spent together online is never as much as we would like it to be, so those dates are that much more important. I don't know, I would just think that a date that was especially important to my SO could come first, even if it meant breaking other plans. You guys just had to say goodbye, so it's especially difficult right now, a special date could help keep you connected.
This is JMO, but to me, SO > friends.

Actually, I tend to agree for me, personally. If there's a scheduling conflict, given our limited contact, my SO has priority. Luckily, my SO feels the same way, too. So when he does pick his friends over me, I say "Ok, have a good time." because I want him to have a good life/me balance. But that is how we worked things out.

BB and Nani, I hope you two can come to an agreement that makes you both happy. I know how hard scheduling time is. And you two love each other very much, it's so obvious. Good luck.

[toggle]

Is there a way you could make a compromise? For example, meeting up with your friends a bit later for the breakfast, or leaving a bit early so you could do both?

[Zephii]

I read some of the responses but not all of them, so I might have missed something, but here goes.

Your SO needs to come first. Always. The only thing in your life that could challenge for that position would be your children when you have them. If both people in a relationship give 50% more than they expect to recieve, and always put their partner's needs above their own, most of these things can be avoided.

I get the feeling the real reason Nat is having a spack is because you could have spent more time with her and you chose not to. I know I'd hold a grudge about something like that I know it's hard to balance friends and you SO, and you do need friends! but there must be a way around this. I hear you on the forgetting thing. Obi has a terrible memory. In fact I chewed him out about it just last night If you often have problems like this, get a day planner and don't agree to anything until you check back to it.

I don't think it's one person is right and the other is wrong at all. I think Nat has some serious hurt feelings and needs to be shown that she's your number one, and that this little time fumble is kinda the straw that broke the camel's back. The thing is you have a massive time difference and limits on broadband, so when you can be with her you should. Your friends likely understand how hard LD is for you and that you have unique needs when it comes to time management.

Personally, I'd cancel the breakfast. It seems to me that you're always pretty good to your mates so this one time wont matter. You could even fib and say you don't feel well if you're worried about peer pressure. (Note, I don't advocate lying generally!). You've got plenty of time to spend with them while Nat is sleeping, because hell, most of the time you're awake she's probably sleeping.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you for wanting to be good to your friends. Nothing at all. But generally good friends don't mind taking a back seat to SOs on occasion and understand that they will get the short end of the stick when their friends get coupled up. (Ever notice how when your single you have lots of fun with your single friends, whist most people in couples tend to spend time with coupled up friends? (Wow, this sounds a bit like a how I met your mother episode o.O) )

NaNi - Can you forgive her just this one time? Just once more. Holding onto that anger will not let your relationship grow. It's a great thing that your saying "these are my needs", but if you let go of that anger a compromise of some kind might be easier to reach. And well, if not being number 1 is a dealbreaker for you, she needs to know that too. Often love is a bit like a work contract, you's need to figure out your trade-offs and "do your job" correctly. If that makes sense.

Hang in there ok? I know you're both hurt and angry now, but you have something special, and that's worth working for!

[BoogleBee]

Well I'm not going to the races pancake breakfast now (it was a special breakfast only on this day as it is the day of the horse races) as I am not in the mood. I just told my friend I wasn't in the mood to be around people.
Nani however has already gone to bed.
Also just to clarify I didn't leave Germany earlier than inteneded, I actually stayed longer than I was originally meant to.
I don't think she will forgive me though Zephii. She will always remember it.

Thank you everyone for your opinions.

[Zephii]

Well, you's have the rest of your lives together. She can't stay mad all that time, it's nearly impossible. Glass half full
She might always remember, but it'll be at the times she'll be telling your kids when they are dating as teens, "Don't worry honey, he/she does love you. It's just hard to balance these things when you first start dating. Your mum and I used to fight about this all the time, but now we're still together 30 years later and it doesn't even cross our minds."
You can imagine it, I'm sure.

Give it time. Talk lots. Share chocolate. Apologise. Have make up phone sex. This too will pass.